Tuesday, 1 November 2011

DAMN!!!! I LOST AGAIN???!!!!!???

A recent pic of the horse Crack bet on in the 2011 running of the Melbourne Cup

Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid horses.

I hate The Melbourne Cup.

I hate it so much.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Read Him The Riot Act Again!

I’m not sure if I can do anything today as I am still laughing at what I heard on the radio this morning. I laughed for nine hours when I heard it, and every time I think about it I laugh for nine hours more. I had to check The Rag to see if it was true.

In relation to a meeting planned for today between Toddles and Gallop:

"The meeting (today) is a chance to remind Todd that his reputation, whether he likes it or not, is a very poor one," Gallop told The Rag last night. "He can't afford to breach his contract - any clear misconduct will be the end of the road for him in most people's eyes.

"He needs to work out how he plans to handle alcohol and a starting point will be to only make promises of not drinking if he intends to keep his side of the deal.  If he does drink in high-profile places late at night then he is running a big risk that something will go wrong.  If that happens it will quite probably be curtains and a great shame for him, as we all enjoy watching what he does on the field."

That is gold, comedy gold. Give him another chance, read him the riot act again, beat him over the head with that same limp lettuce leaf. It’s hand shandies all round again as Toddles faces the disciplinary might that is the NRL.  Hell Toddles could recite that 'riot act' by heart now, he's heard it often enough.

When will the NRL just get serious and stop treating us like idiots.  Admit you will never do anything to Carney if he mucks up and we can all just move on.  This charade is insulting to everyone who loves the game and a waste of every ones time. 

Get on the cans Toddles, agree to nothing, and have fun at The Sharks.  They have a great leagues club you will enjoy and Northies goes off in the summer.  Get down there and get amongst it!

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Get In The Cannon

I have this much brain cells

This man is an idiot, so we can show you his face in this forum.  Say hello to Liam Warriner, a man who was charged with mooning the Queen. 

He lined up, probably for quite some time, and waited for the queen.  When she did show up, and waved the royal hand at him he thought it would be the height of comedy to drop the strides and expose his rear, apparently with the Australian flag between his cheeks.  Classy.  His workmates dared him to do it.

His defence is gold, if you consider the rantings of the socially mal-adjusted gold....
"Everybody's seen someone's butt, come on. You see it on TV all the time, you see it in movies, it's accepted in PG rated programming these days, but yet it's an offence to the Queen."

Listen to me champ, come in close, cos this might save you some trouble in the future; if you were to expose yourself in my presence you might find a size 10 planted firmly up your freckle, with a large shaven headed man, ie me, attached to the end of that size 10.  And that would be for starters.

I have said before that I may be out of touch with the younguns, I may be getting old (the beard I am trying to grow being all grey might be a good sign) but when did that become funny and cool?

And if you were in any doubt about his credentials as an idiot, well let me have the microphone to this dolt so he can prove to you in his own words what a wally he really is...
Warriner said he is also part of the Occupy anti-elite protest movement and had taken part in the protest in Sydney.
"I'd like to say we are the 99 percent, human need over corporate greed and we won't accept this any longer," he said.

And he said this wearing a Hurley t-shirt.....an international company........owned by Nike....a massive international corporate entity in anyones language.

Put away the books folks, I think we have a winner for buffoon of the year.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Dont ask...

I dont know if any of you know, but I love gambling.

I will bet on most things. Thats a lie, I will bet on anything. Rugby league, boxing, elections, womens hockey, how many Cruisers Crack drinks before he 'has an accident', hell I will even bet on the AFL.

But most of all I like to bet on the horses. I have accounts with major TAB agencies in three different states and an account with a bookie. I also know a bookie who will take most any bet from me, however he and I dont see eye to eye anymore since the unpleasantness. I read all the racing news, I subscribe to newsletters, I watch races and replays of races, and I read all the form guides I can. I have systems which I follow and I am always altering these systems when they dont work only to watch my previous systems win.

Now, all this does not make me a good punter. I have had some good wins, but I have also lost 2 or 30000 times.

But what this does mean is that people know I like the horses and know a little more about the game than the average person. Which brings out this question "Got any tips Maca?". This question generally comes out around this time of year. Melbourne freakin Cup time.

I was walking into the TAB the other day when I hear a voice call out to me. It was a guy I used to play cricket with a while ago. We chatted for a few minutes (all the while in the back of my mind I was wondering whether I was going to miss the next at Geelong) and then he pipes up with this...

"You going in for a bet?"

I wanted to say

"No mate, this is where I do my groceries. The missus just asked me to pop down and grab a kilo of trifecta tickets."

But I didnt.

I nodded and he asked

"Got any tips?"

I said no. Which is true. I hadnt looked at the form, I planned to do this when I walked in.

He said,

"Fair enough, your tips are always shit anyway."

Now he may have a point. However I never proclaimed to be a tipster, but generally speaking if a mate asks me for a tip I will always be happy to talk about my thoughts and tell them the name of the horse/ horses which will be burdened under the weight of my hard earned. But I dont ask for anything in return, no cash changed hands, no contracts signed. Therefore no right of reply.

So from now on, if you run into me at the TAB and you ask me for a tip I will tell you, no I dont have one and you can shove your tips in a sack as well.

By the way Black Caviar by less than 4 lengths all up the All Blacks to win by less than 16.5

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

What A Grub

When I was younger, so much younger than today, I dreamt of wearing the Australian colours onto the sporting field and taste the glory that sometimes falls over Australian sporting teams.  I would watch Alan Border and co and think one day I will do that.  I would set up games in the back yard and imagine that I was captaining the Australian side.  When I would play for the local under 11's there was a commentary track of Richie Benaud playing in my mind and it was only a complete lack of talent that held me back from realising my dream.

As I grew older and more bitter the dream faded, but I always held those that wore the baggy green in some esteem.

Not.  Any.  More.

It seems that some who have worn the colours don't appreciate that honour, and some again who fail to understand that if you play sport, you may become injured.

From The Rag:
"FORMER Australian cricketer Nathan Bracken has launched legal action against the sport's governing body, claiming a knee injury he sustained during his career has robbed him of hundreds of thousands of dollars in earnings.

The Rag understands Bracken is suing Cricket Australia claiming 'professional negligence', arguing the sport's body failed in their duty of care to protect him from serious long-term damage resulting from injury during his career."

So Bracken is surprised that sports cause injuries, and that is CA's fault?  I think they showed great duty of care for not selecting him.  But hang on, what is this from yesterdays edition of The Rag?

"FORMER Australian fast bowler Nathan Bracken is considering legal action after being named during a match fixing trial."

Seems there is a pattern here.

And is Bracken neglecting his own duty of care to himself by signing up for and partaking in Dancing With The Stars?  Maybe he can sue them too.  And whoever it was that told him hairbands are for men.

The gender reassignment surgery went well, but unfortunately they were never going to be able do much for the patients' Adam's apple.

Saturday, 8 October 2011


That's right, vindication.  It's not just the name of a trotter, it's what I am experiencing right now.

Look back to a few days ago where I said Des "Hairy Head" Hasler was signing for the dirty blue and white cheaters, known by some as the Bulldogs.  People laughed at me, not an uncommon experience I will grant you that but did you see the news today.  Did you see what Todd "Goldberg"Greenberg announced?  That's right, that Des had scrawled an X on the parchment and signed on as coach for 2013.  Sure, I said 2012, and sure even I doubted my mail, but it turns out I was right all along, despite being a year off.

It's not very often I get things right, and some would argue that I didn't even get this 100% right, but for me and my dodgy 'put some duct tape on it and some silicone, it will be right' half arsed way of doing things, this is a victory.
It's nice to be right (OK, nearly right) sometimes.
After ditching the glasses for contacts and discovering the power of the comb, young Des Hasler went onto a successful football career.

Thursday, 6 October 2011

An Apology

I received a very terse phone call this morning from the legal firm that handles all of Maca's legal matters (A.Jones and G.Michael and Partners, they specialise in the defence of public indecency charges) with a firm cease and desist, and a request for an apology.  Apparently my last posting to this great forum was taken with some offence by certain members of the public.  They claimed it could be implied that Messers Mac and Chov are both very happy men, so happy they were gay.

That was never my intention and I apologise for any hurt caused.

I managed to keep the person from Jones and Michael on the line and found out what was keeping Maca so busy these days.  They explained he was now obsessed with something else, something that had Maca in such a tight grasp it was almost cult-like, that sucked away hours of his time and had him on a new life path.  Just before the line cut out she uttered a cryptic one word answer, and it left me puzzled, but I had the monkeys here at Vandalay right onto it and in search of what this one word meant.

And whilst I have never seen the program I am sure that 'Glee' is a fine production and a valid reason as to why Maca is unable to partake in this forum any more. 

Jazz-hands specialist Richard Simmons:  'I'm super! Thanks for asking!!'

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Don't Ask Me, I Don't Know Where They Are Either

I have been asked many many times over the past year what happened to the Golden Trio, once a formidible force of serious intellect and scathing opinion, whether there was a Yoko that split the Trio asunder, were the artistic differences that explosive, what of the rumours of missing millions and a pirate named Sid and who really is Mike Oxwollen.  And I have batted off the queries but it time to say some thing on the matter, and hopefully quell the rumours once and for all.

It began in a blaze of glory many moons ago as a trio, and the idea was that it is supposed to remain a trio, but as we all know, Maca and Chov, or as I refer to them now, the other two, have gone missing.  But from the recent photo of them above would indicate, they are having a good time.

There have been rumours and theories as to why they have been so quiet..... 

I suppose they have been quiet on commentary of the NRL season 2011 as their football teams finished second last and third last this year, something that brought me as a Tiges supporter much joy even though we were unsuccessful in winning the comp again... 
I heard that Chov has been struck down with a particularly virulent form of Beider-fever, leaving him unable to perform any manly tasks..... 
I heard that Maca turned his hand to home renovations and managed to build himself into the rear extension to his palatial abode, and no-one wants to be the one to break him out....
And I also heard that they are trapped in Costco, ensconced in giant forts made of cheap poo tickets, fighting with cheese bombs....

But to level with you dear reader I don't know where they are.  I don't know why they stopped sharing their opinions on modern events, and I don't know if or even when they will be back.  Wherever they are I hope it is a place that the special love and bond they share is a lifestyle choice that is accepted, where they can walk around in their rainbow coloured clothing with pride, where they can be themselves and hold hands without shame.  Most of all I hope they are OK.

Maca and Chov: They always fight when they are on holidays.


How long now?  Seriously, how long until season 2012 of the NRL starts.  The grand final is done for another year and already I miss it.  And please don't tell me there are all the rep games coming up, that is nothing to get excited about.  So we can beat England, wow.  It is like beating your dog at chess, not very difficult at all.

Some of my season highlights:
*When all the colour ran out of Gus Gould's body.  It was like one week he was a ranga, next he was a grey ghost!
*Joey Johns shaking like a leaf at each post match interview.  Was he nervous or has there been some self medicating?
*Melbourne booing Vahzin Gallop.  OK I am not a fan of the Vazhin, in fact I have been quite critical, but all of those TERRORISTS in Melbourne need to build a small easily hidden IED and move on.
*The Melbourne/Manly stink.  It was a good stink, you have to admit that.
*Origin.  So NSW lost, but the crazy that Stuart brought to the coaching roll made it for mine one of the more entertaining series on record.
*Toddles.  In fact Toddles alone is my hands down winner for highlight of season 2011.  A thousand second chances, a thousand promises of never doing it again, and still the kid goes and gets on the cans.  And not just at home, but in some of the busiest areas of Sydney.  Sure he is a fool and a buffoon, but he is our fool and buffoon.

I am looking forward to The Bulldogs kissing and making up with Sonny Bill "I Will Do What's Best For Sonny Bill Williams" Williams.  It's my red hot tip for 2012.  Remember where you read it first.  (Then again the source of that rumour told me that Dazzling Des "How's The Hair?" Hasler had signed with the Bulldogs for 2012, so I wouldn't be putting any money on it just yet.)

Monday, 19 September 2011

O' Zapft Is!

Of all the fests on offer this is the bestest one.  Oktoberfest.  It's on again, and I for one say hooray. 

The knowledge that once a year, somewhere in the world, there is a festival where fit young ladies dressed in attractive dirndl and massive steins of beer are combined is one of the few things that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other and trudging on through life, no matter how dull it can be. 

When I see pics from Oktoberfest all I can say is horray.  Hoo-bloody-ray for everything. 

Friday, 16 September 2011

Toddles The Shark

Toddles:You reckon Joel Monaghan was crook, wait until you hear what me and Daisy just got up to!  They taught me so much in the Ragedrs.
Daisy: And he said he loved me.  Why can't he just respect me?

It may be an uncomfortable position to be in but our wiley sports reporter Mike Oxwollen who has an ear to the ground, a foot in all camps and his finger on the pulse of rugby league filed this report early this morning…

Talks are ongoing with Toddles Carney looking set to sign on to play for the Curranulla Sharks next year. The Sharks had a disappointing 2011 and they are hoping that the signing of Toddles will help them for 2012. Captain Paul Gallen said yesterday “I hope Todd decides to come over and play with us next year. When it all goes bad again we can blame him. Hell, we have blamed everyone from the CEO to the bloke who cleans the sprigs on the boots over the past few years, it would be nice to get some new blood in the camp to blame things on.”

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Nearly Won By

OK, I realise that the Origin circus has been and gone, but I miss it.  I think that it is the funniest time of the season, and should be expanded to a best of five.  Lucky for me I was clearing out the cupboard at Vandalay Industries yesterday and came across this missive by our esteemed sports reporter Mick Oxwollen from the last Origin series.  Over to you Mike...

"Mal Meninga said in the press conference that he was proud of the way his team played, they made some mistakes and paid the price, and that he would not be offering any excuses for the loss.

In his press conference Ricky Stewart heralded the win as the start of a new era for NSW in Origin showing none of the delusions of grandeur we expected from the supercoach.
He also revealed that he wants his players to stand down from regular season games for the next origin, thus preparing the way for his excuse why he lost game 3.
And I hope you are sitting down cos I am going to let Ricky share with you a revelation (via Gus “biased commentary, what biased commentary?” Gould) that will blow your mind! Blow it clean out of your skull and change the way you see the world. I’ll hand over to Foxsports and the great man as I don’t think I can do it justice

Ricky had also told his players of a remark former NSW coach Phil Gould had delivered to him during the week.
"Gus told me they don't put on the trophy that NSW nearly won it, they put the winner," Stuart said.

Either that is the most ridiculous line ever or it’s been that long since Ricky has seen the trophy that he had to ask Gus what the trophy looked like.

Mike Oxwollen

Thanks for that Mike, great work as usual.  And I think you will find that Gus is right about that one, as it clearly says QUEENSLAND 2011 VICTORS on the Origin cup.

Monday, 5 September 2011

I Will Return

Listen up, I dont have time to really let rip at the moment but...LET ME SAY THIS!!!  Peter Peter Peters Peters who was a shiny bum seat warmer at the Manly Seagulls Franchise until last week should not have been sacked.  He paid the young lady a compliment, when is someone saying you look good offensive?  The world has gone mad.

As I said, I am busy but I will be back to expand upon this idea later.

Friday, 12 August 2011


The roars are almost deafening as King Crack takes to the podium….

Well thankyou one and all for attending today. To quote my comrade, the one they call Maca; let's make this quick, I know we all want to get home to our families.

I stand before you today not only as your reigning despot and King for life, but as a proud Australian. Today we mark the 100th post to this great forum. We have laughed, we have cried. There have been defeats, and there have been victories. But through it all there has been an undeniable pushing back of the boundaries of public opinion, of tireless work in the hope that this little site can make a difference and change the way the world is seen. And most importantly, we have turned Toddles Carney around, and put him back on the cans, where we know he should be.

It was early in the morning, in the wee small hours earlier this week, when I was awoken by an unexpected phone call. It was Toddles who admittedly was ranting a bit, that will happen at 2am, who was out and about, kicking up his heels and cutting a rug no doubt.  He had called to extend a hearty congrats and thanks Crack. He knew the 100th was imminent and was unable to contain his excitement and was out early to celebrate. In tow he had Nate “The Crown Plaza Pooper” Myles and a Polynesian gent with as many letters in his name as he had functioning brain cells. They were toasting the great success that this forum is, and the good work it has done. Thanks Toddles, have one for me, and three for yourself.

I would like to thank my fellow participants who must still be on their fact finding mission in the bars and dancing halls of south east Asia, as we have heard nothing from them for an age. Hopefully both are well and hopefully they will pull the finger out and get some thoughts down soon as the burden of responsibility weighs heavily on my shoulders, and despite appearances, I cannot do this on my own.

And I thank you for reading. And I hope that this forum has helped you get through the daily grind, has opened your mind, and gave you something to read while you have lunch.

And I will leave you with this; keep left, buy your own beer, wash regularly and fly right. Good luck to the Wests Tigers for this years Winfield Cup and I’ll see you in church!! Bye bye!!!

Monday, 11 July 2011

Am I Three?

I had to watch it.  I had to.  And as soon as I did I wish I hadn't, as I was angry, damn angry.
Our PM Miss Gillard was on the TV last night, speaking to us like we were three year olds in her dull nasal monotone, telling us the science is in, and that Australia has decided that the only way to save the world was with a whopping big tax, which you would get back anyway. 
Damn these commies!!  They will not be happy until we produce nothing here and import everything, thus reducing our pollution output.  And the often used argument that everyone is setting up their own scheme is only proof that politicians the world over love a tax.
News for you red, we haven't decided, in fact we didn't even pick you!  If you had any gumption you would put this to the electorate and truly let us decide.  If you have nothing to worry about it should be an easy call to make comrade.

Thursday, 7 July 2011


After setting the controls for the heart of the sun, Ricky insisted on driving the team bus home

So they lost.  All the hoopla over for another year.  And we will have to put up with another year of listening to Queenslanders gloat about the win.  Another year spent with dreams unfulfilled.  This must be what it sounds like, when doves cry.

But let us not forget the lighter side of Origin, and I think it's time to call the doctor, for the coach may have truly lost the plot.

Before the big game NSW Origin ubercoach Ricky Stewart thought he would be a bit sneaky, and organise a training session away from the media, away from the public and away from the spies that the Queensland government and the QRL have running all over Brisbane stealing Ricky's thoughts.

So the team were issued their Ricky approved tin-foil hats, donned the Ricky approved cloaking devices and climbed aboard the Blues bus headed for parts unknown.  The location for the secret training session turned out to be the second biggest ground in Brisneyland, Ballymore, home ground and training centre for the SuperDuper 15 rugby team The Reds who are lining up for a game in the finals this weekend.

And the Reds captain James Horwill (or hor won't, depending on how many drinks were consumed) had the hide to call a press conference at the ground when Ricky and his alfoil army arrived.  Luckily Ricky was on hand to sort it out, and asked all media not to look out at the field and watch his team train.  Seriously.  They were also asked not to look Ricky in the eye, bow as he passed, and lick clean his boots.  Maybe.  As we now know it doesnt't matter if you train in the middle of Pitt Street, or in an underground lead lined bunker (which was Ricky's preferred training location) if you are shite, you are shite and you will lose.  And we did.

So if in the next few weeks as you wander around this wide brown crazy land and you see a short man living it a cardboard box ranting about how the refs cost him the game throw him a dollar.  It could be the NSW Origin coach.

Thursday, 30 June 2011

What Hasn't He Done?

Drugs are bad, mkay?

Wow, a real scoop in the papers today:

"Charlie Sheen has admitted he used steroids to prepare him for the role of baseball pitcher Ricky Wild Thing Vaughn in the 1989 comedy Major League."

You could devote pages and pages to the type of crazy Charlie Sheen peddles, and frankly, I like it. The world needs his type of sex and drugs and rock n roll craziness, with his porn star girlfriends, buckets of pharmaceuticals and endless cash, and doing it all without a care in the world.

But to report he did steroids? I would be disappointed if he didn't give them a try as well. If they want a truly amazing headline why didn't they report "Charlie Sheen has admitted to not trying Guatemalan chilli peyote in an interview today. 'You keep away from that stuff, that will kill you!"

THAT Is Your God?

CHARGES ... Great grandmother, Noelene Edwards, 74 has been charged with drug supply after being detected by sniffer on George Street, Sydney. Pictured with her god, Digger. Picture: Brad Hunter Source: The Daily Telegraph

This is from today's Rag.

Amazing what passes for a deity these days...

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Rare Sighting!

Citizens of Canberra were treated to a sighting of awesomeness rarely seen but often spoken about last weekend in and around the Civic area.
All round good guys Cracka and Maca were spotted at various Canberra hotspots last Saturday living it up and investing heavily in ACTAB and the local hospitality industry, before finishing off the night at a 'goldmine' coffee shop with a pot of green tea accompanied by their three lettered ones. Local residents were agog at the rare sighting and laughing with the comsdy duo at their witty commentry through the evening.
Chov was expected to join in for a while but the visit of an interstate dignantry and a date with the losing Parramatta Eels prevented him from attending.

Mike Oxwollen

Friday, 17 June 2011

Hooray! We Won One!!

NSW celebrates a win. Doctors fear the excitement levels if they win two could cause injury.

Congrats to the NSW Origin team on an outstandingly brave performance and win against the odds last Wednesday night that I knew they had in them from the start. Some naysayers and ne'er-do-wells have been death riding coach Ricky Stewart of late and I for one am proud of his efforts and have always believed he had the makings of a great coach, and with a display of courage rarely seen in the modern game our captain Paul Gallen (who I have been a passionate fan of for many years) led our boys from the front and cemented the victory with a lesson in professional football.

It’s a victory for the true believers.

Yes, there is a bandwagon passing by and I am getting on it.

And I look forward to acknowledgement from our brave and inspirational captain, that's right, I'm looking right at you Paul Gallen, that the touch up you received in this very forum a little while ago was the impetus that propelled you to greatness. We don't deserve the glory, but we appreciate the thanks.

That reminds me that while we are on the subject of touch ups and sprays that result in better footballers, this just in from the news services:

Todd Carney will be playing for the Newtown Jets tomorrow.
High profile Sydney Roosters player Todd Carney will be playing with the Newtown Jets in their Round 15 NSW Cup match against Manly-Warringah at Brookvale Oval tomorrow.
The Sydney Roosters have a bye in the NRL competition so this is a perfect opportunity for Todd to gain some more game time following his recent lay-off from playing duties.
This is of course Todd's debut in the famous Royal Blue colours of the Newtown Jets. He played against Newtown on several occasions some years ago when he was playing for the Canberra Raiders in the NSWRL Premier League, a predecessor of the current NSW Cup competition.

So Toddles is going to play for the Bluebags. Wow. I don't know quite how to take that news......either our encouragement has pushed him back onto the right path or this is just another sign of the impending apocalypse.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Oktoberfest 2011!!

Listen, I know Oktoberfest is still a little while away but I have got to say, I love Oktoberfest. I love it so much.

I am not 100% sure why but I know love it.

It is tops.

Someone Makes Something Up! Nothing Found As A Result!!

This is from the news today. The world has gone mad....

A PSYCHIC launched a search for bodies in Texas on Tuesday evening, but a search of property in a rural area turned up no evidence of any homicides, authorities said.
Police were searching for evidence of a possible mass grave after being tipped off that up to 30 dismembered bodies were buried on a rural property.
"We have no indication there are in fact any bodies in the residence or on the property," Liberty County Sheriff's Office Capt. Rex Evans told reporters.
Officials came with a search warrant to look at the property near the town of Hardin.
Aerial footage showed officers standing outside a single-story residence in a rural area.
Evans said authorities now will try to locate and speak with the unidentified female caller.

The unidentified female caller may not be able to answer the phone as she will be too busy laughing her head off that someone took her seriously.

The good folk at the Liberty County Sheriff's Office are also patiently awaiting the money as part of an unexpected UK lottery win, the deposit in the bank of $459 gajillion dollars from a recently passed african prince and the delivery of one Sydney Harbour Bridge.

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

More False Advertising

A picture taken over the weekend of what apparently now passes for kangaroos in the modern age...I blame global warming.

I was away last weekend, and visited a lovely little village called Kangaroo Valley. My two and a half year old was beside herself with glee at the thought of heading to a town called Kangaroo Valley.

But woe how disappointed she was at the end of the trip.

In a blatant and shameless act of false advertising no one kangaroo was seen. Not one! There was a bloated wombat laying by the side of the road, having a very long rest but no kangaroos. Plenty of cows, but kangaroos? Nada!

I will be speaking with the local tourist authorities on my little ones behalf and demanding a name change to the village post haste. A simple 'No' in the front should see things straight.

They Are Stealing My Thoughts!

NSW coach Ricky Stuart's new right hand man for Origin 2

Ricky Stuart, NSW coach, now wants to discuss the refereeing in Origin with Bill Harrigan because he feels a duty to “everyone in the state”.

Thanks Ricky for standing up for us. It will save me a phone call.

Is the bloke serious? He really needs to think about what he is saying before he opens his pie hole sometimes. Ricky has a long history of blaming everyone but himself for lack of talent and success in the modern game, and true to form he is blaming the refs for a few bad calls in Origin One for the loss. Spare me days! The team was outplayed on the park on the night! The conspiracy theory world that Ricky lives in has everyone against everything he does, led by the NSW Referees Association, or who Ricky calls The Illuminati.

But Ricky, mate, please don't stop. Your rantings are entertainment gold. I look forward to your next spray after Origin Two and do us a favour and try and give the pie sellers a mention in your next excuse for the teams failings. I know they would love a showing.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

How Could He Have Gotten It Wrong???

What a disappointment, and what a hectic few days it has been.

I walked out of the offices of Vandalay Industries on Friday afternoon in a blaze of glory and smelling of smoke after I set the office ablaze, yelling insults and vulgarities at everyone I passed on the way out and leaving a small token of appreciation on the bonnet of the bosses car.

When I arose on Saturday morning I went to the Seebach Room, settled into my favorite chair with a beer and awaited the rapture. And waited, and waited. I had a few beers to pass the time and lo I was so excited I became very tired and slept through the 6pm deadline.

But when I awoke Sunday morning I was as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market. Everything looked the same! There was no Rapture. And boy, was there was some explaining to be done when I returned to work.

What happened Harry? Did the Lord look down and decide that no-one was worthy, did he cast his eyes down upon high and say, bah, I don't want those idiots up here with me? I could understand if he did, just a quick troll through the pages of this illustrious blog will show you that there are a heap of idiots here. Or were you just wrong, and delusional, and making huge amounts of cashola from the whole venture.

My trust in modern religion has been sorely tested, but I will be back front and centre when the next nut job says "Follow me! We are setting the controls for the heart of the sun! Redemption awaits! Just bring cash!!" I'm a sucker for a bit of religious lunacy.

Friday, 20 May 2011

Well, It's Been Fun.

This will be the last post here on this illustrious blog, as I have just had some shocking and upsetting news cross my desk. I am still reeling at the news and am very surprised that it isnt being covered by the mainstream media.

The end of the world is nigh.

In fact the end of the world starts tomorrow.

The Family Radio Christian Network, in particular, this bloke

the esteemed and not at all delusional Harold Camping reckons The Rapture starts tomorrow, which means that all the people that God likes get called up to heaven. Naturally I will be skyward bound having done so much good throughout my life, and am in a constant state of repentfulness for any indiscretions I may have done.

So what else is there to say? It's been fun, and hopefully we will be sipping beer at the Heaven Hotel with the big JC and his crew soon.

And to those naysayers who say that they have heard all this doomsday BS before, in particular:
1844 when Will Miller predicted Christ would return between March 21, 1843 and March 21, 1914, 1918, 1925, 1942 when the Jehovah's Witnesses said we were done for
1981 when Chuck Smith predicted that Jesus would probably return by 1981. Probably
1988 when Edgar C. Whisenaut published 88 Reasons why the Rapture is in 1988 and 1989 when Eddie was back again when he published The Final Shout: Rapture report 1989. More predictions by this author appeared for 1992, 1995, and other years. He is didnt get it right and gave up after that.
1992 when those crazy Koreans can out with "Mission for the Coming Days" predicted October 28, 1992 as the date for the rapture.
and 1994 when Pastor John Hinkle of Christ Church in Los Angeles predicted June 9, 1994.

I say phooey. Look at Harry. He wouldnt lie to you.

Sure Harry already had a shot at this and predicted September 6, 1994 but his calcs were out a bit, and this time he counted not only on his fingers but on his toes as well so it's a cert this time, THIS TIME FOR SURE!

Wednesday, 18 May 2011


This man is a fool.

Don't let his dull doe eyed appearance fool you. He is as dangerous as any man ever to besmirch this great land.

He wants to get rid of the coal industry, a brave and very silly call, but when asked how he will replace the millions that the government earns every year from that industry what does he propose? By increasing the tax on the industry he has just closed down.

Here is another buffoon.

Mr Combet said the Government would decide a carbon price by early July.

But he said: "Whatever the starting price, from the Government's stand point, it's going to be well south of $40 a tonne." Mr Combet said, whatever the price, there would be "generous household assistance" to help households cope.

So he will take with one hand and hand out with the other? Just don't tax us in the first place! IDIOT!

There is something seriously wrong when idiots like these are in charge, and people listen to them.

No wonder Toddles drinks so much.

Friday, 6 May 2011

Can someone get this kid an AVO?

I love this picture, from today's Rag.

Piggy Riddell, noted drinker and diet dodger arm around Toddles, recovering alcomaholic, who is on his very-last-no-more-chances-this-time-we-are-serious-by-gum chance. Can you imagine the conversation? Would they be discussing set plays? New positional changes? New ways to lace up the Gilbert's?

"Well done mate, you beat them again."
"Piggy, it's easy. You just say sorry, promise never to do it again, spend some time with Davey Gallop, maybe pump out a tear or two saying how troubled you are and she's apples!"
"Geez mate, you have this caper sewn up. Maybe I'll give Timmy Smith a call. Might work for him."
"Listen, He could rob a nun, and I guarantee I could get him off the charge."

Don't laugh. It is closer to the truth than you imagine.

Thursday, 5 May 2011

From this mornings SMH

Matt Orford and car, in happier times.

Raiders 'boofhead' vandalises Orford's car
Mike Oxwollen
May 5, 2011
Having already been buggered with a Steeden, hung by his jocks from the southern goal posts, and been the 'central participant' in a recent club bun, Matt Orford's rough initiation to Canberra has hit a new low, with a frustrated fan vandalising the star halfback's high-priced Audi.
Witnesses reported a semi naked person dressed only in a Raiders jersey attacked the former Dally M Medallist's car with a meat safe in the Canberra Stadium car park in an ugly aftermath to last Sunday's soul destroying and humiliating 49-12 loss to the Wests Tigers. The gender of the offender could not be ascertained.
Raiders' ball-boys, cheerleaders and the players' life partners and families, officials, pie sellers and the bloke who sells the programs were also subject to verbal abuse after the shellacking.
It was Canberra's seventh straight defeat and left the club pinned at the bottom of the NRL ladder gasping for air in a season that will see them lucky to win a school fete raffle.
Orford's vehicle - dirty lucre as it was included as part of a third-party deal - was parked in the section of the car park reserved for players.
Raiders chairman John McIntyre was absolutely appalled by the incident.
''I'm absolutely appalled by the incident,'' McIntyre said.
Orford was crying too hard to comment.
Raiders chief executive Don Furner told ABC Radio he was embarrassed to be a Canberran.
''I'm embarrassed to be a Canberran,'' Furner said, "but not for the usual reasons, this is a fresh coat of shame I have to wear."
‘‘I would hope that our fans wouldn’t go vandalising somebody’s car after a game, but they have. They are idiots. I blame Toddles’’
Furner continued. ‘‘It is gutless. Apart from the fact it’s not very brave, it is a crime to go around vandalising things.’’ reminding all that the outlawing of vandalisming was part of the massive overhaul of Canberra laws that included the banning of fireworks, the banning of the Melbourne Cup public holiday and the banning of the right to be intimate with an animal.
Raiders players were also heckled by their own families and coaching staff after they completed their pre-game warm-ups.
"It is conditioning for the treatment they will receive for the remainder of the season" coach 'Little Don' Furner said. "We go from verbal abuse to an hour of having bottles thrown at them. No point running drills, these blokes are hopeless!"


Chris Sandow, average footballer, terrible swimmer.

Another smashed window, another note tied to a brick and another missive from the one they call The Chov, who I think is a bit upset that his beloved Eels have signed Chris Sandow.....

No i can’t take it any more i have to burst i must vent I mean seriously WTF!? $550k a year!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! For this Sandow peanut!?!? Geezus, what would a good halfback be worth!? You know, like one that actually plays for a good team in the top 8? Or one who actually wins more games than it loses? Or heavens above actually wins grand finals? Or a half who plays rep footy?! He’s not even a speed bump in defence my friends, because even speed bumps occasionally slow down the odd driver, this pinhead can’t f***ing tackle to save his life! He can’t control a game, he is a one trick pony playing a bit of touch footy to break the line every now and then and THAT’S IT!? And you get paid $550k a year for THAT!??? Can he take control like a Lockyer, or a Cronk, or even a Scott Prince? F*** NO! And you know how hard I am trying to avoid the obvious reasons I dislike him and you know what that is and it has to do with the general profile of Souths as a club but let’s not go there no this is worse than Orford at least that pinhead somehow won a grand final I only just said to my Dad the other week, we were watching Dragons vs Souths and laughing at how putrid Sandow is and I said “no team with Sandow at half will EVER win a grand final” and now look where that has got me my friends look at what I have done WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY and you know my lovely wife only just bought me a new Eels jersey for my birthday this year and now I won’t even wear it as my “mow the lawn” top i want to smash something in fact i want to smash many things starting with chris sandow’s ape-like face

Just as I was catching my breath, this-

No no no I’m not finished yet I can’t let it go yet Chris Sandow, I say the name again CHRIS SANDOW
This makes Mick Appleby look like the greatest signing in the history of rugby league
And not only that, but what do people f***ing think that the Eels are going to ‘rebuild’??!!??
With what money!!?
Think of how much salary cap is now eaten up between the contracts of Hayne and Sandow and let’s not forget how much we paid Mortimer on his last contract to stop the Bulldogs poaching him
Sweet geezus Christ we have just flushed the next 5 years down the toilet
Kearney the moron talks about watching Eels juniors playing for other teams
Well what does he think is going to happen now? We’re broke, so we’re going to rely on juniors coming through
And then when they get good, how are we going to re-sign them? With what, scotch f***ing mist in a jar? So we get to keep CHRIS F***ING SANDOW and those same juniors are going to go and play for Manly and C*nterbury and Souths.

WHHHHOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! What a spray!

I don't know where he sends his missives from, but I am sure it is a very angry place.

Monday, 28 February 2011

I Love This Photo, For So Many Reasons

Toddles, at the fan day, just TOUNGING for a beer.
"If that photographer would just rack off for a second I could finish my beer and pick up my smokes."

We Did It!!

Toddles leaving the fan day, having quickly necked two schooners as a show to fans of his returning form.

I don't care what anyone else thinks but I for one am glad Toddles is back on the cans. It means that the world is the way it is supposed to be.
God has smote us in recent times with fires, floods and earthquakes. Expect to see an end to these as God smiles upon the earth knowing that we are back on track, and not holding Toddles back from what God put him on earth to do -- getting rat arsed drunk, canning on like a mongrel, making a fool of himself and ruining everyones expectations of what they think he should be.
And I would like to think we three wise men had something to do with it, as it is well noted that the members of this forum were always against a tee totalling Toddles. I think, through some quirk of nature, that our encouragement lit a spark in the mind of Toddles, that had him heading off to the bottle shop in search of a slab, a few rumbos or a cheap bottle of port. Or maybe all three at once. Remember it is Toddles we are talking about, I wouldn't put it past him.
More power to you Toddles, it's good to see you back!
And by the way, mines a VB, and get one for yourself.