Thursday, 17 December 2009

Oh Santa!

Santa obviously needs to relieve himself through his journey, but even if I did sip every drink offered during the course of my rounds I would be a tad concerned about an illuminated stream emanating from my person.

To a doctor Santa! Post haste!!!!!

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Crack's Travel Advice

Oh and another thing while I am here....just some travel advice for those of you interested in travelling to the country some refer to as 'The Land of Smiles', Thailand and specifically Bangkok (Krung Thep as the locals know it) and surrounds--if you get crook head over to BNH Hospital on Convent Road in Silom. They have some of the nicest nurses in the world and the care there is second to none.

Just avoid using the terms 'pooing like a pigeon', 'sh**ting through the eye of a needle', 'got a case of the squirts' or "got the trots' when describing such ailments. It only confuses them and embarrasses you as you try and explain what you mean. They are professionals. Just say diarrhoea and be done with it.

Don't ask me how I know this, but just trust me on it OK?

Kev, You Have Made A Very Dangerous Enemy Now......

KRudd, if you are truly serious about the enviroment stop bloody flying everywhere in a private jet!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whilst I was overseas on a study tour of Bangkok's outer suburbs which included my much lauded visit to the fine institution that is the BNH Hospital (or Benson and Hedges Hospital as I liked to call it) Kev Rudd decided to come out and pick a fight. With me. While I was away. The spineless little Maoist.

In his speech to the Lowy Institute he said "these do nothing climate change sceptics are prepared to destroy our children's future." End quote.

I will ask that members of my family and those offended by harsh language not read the next paragraph...

Kev, you pustulous giggly little nancy boy. Get your freakin hands up. You are about to meet my two friends, pain and misery! You are an alarmist chicken little of the highest order who has earned my undying contempt. A pox on your village of idiots and all who reside within its walls. May locusts destroy your crops and may wild goats dine on your nether regions.

I don't want a tax based on a theory, a theory which is discredited by recently leaked emails from the institute that issued the theory. I would like balanced debate and evidence of the claims. I would like those that believe the theory to cease labelling those that don't child haters, destroyers of the future, infidels and fools. I would like to see why taxing us on one hand and then subsidising the effects of the tax is a solution. I would like to know what we will do when the manufacturers move to China, to Africa, to India where these exploitive taxes and policies will not stop them producing, where the government is more realistic about things.

To say that I want to harm the most precious thing in my life, my first born, The Kamolchonok, is insulting and absurd.

We are a tiny nation, we contribute four fifths of three eighths of bugger all to the worlds pollution. We pass this policy and we will be the laughing stock of the world. The only job fit for Kev in the UN after this is as court jester.

Kev, you can pick on me, laugh at me and call me names. But do not tell me I am willing to harm my child. That is alarmist, it is a losers last retort and it is as false as the science you base your climate change ideology on.

Monday, 26 October 2009

A Good Judge of Character

I have nothing to really say except I liked the picture.
What a guy...GO KEV!!!

New Contender For Father of the Year

What happens when country cousins kiss.......

Wayne Carey, former VFL great has released a book about why he is to be pitied rather than laughed at for being the fool he is. Apparently not everyone is too happy about it.

From todays Herald Sun....

'THE father of fallen AFL star Wayne Carey has furiously denied his son's claims that he was a violent alcoholic who beat his wife and children and threatened to kill them. The former boxer and rugby league player said he was penning his own book that would expose his son as a liar. "I know all about it. I don't care what he says," Kevin Carey said. "I'll be coming back against all that. I'm writing a book of me (sic) own. So f**k off," he said. '

What is he writing it with, a thumbnail dipped in tar? The foul language is nothing to be shocked at, apparently that's how he signs off all conversation.
With such command of the English language it is sure to be an enlightening read and a book I can heartily recommend sight unseen. Look at the man!! How could his opinions not be worth listening to?

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

I am not saying a thing....

Elton John: Keen on Ukrainian baby boys

From yesterdays Rag.....

"ELTON John wants to adopt a 14-month-old boy from the Ukraine, saying the toddler has 'stolen my heart' after meeting him at an orphanage."

I am not even going to comment. Elton is a very rich man who could sue me into a debt that would not be covered by a life times worth of overtime. I am just going to let that hang there and let you, the reader make up your own mind about the ridiculousness or otherwise of this turn of events.

Monday, 14 September 2009

Why Why Why???

This has been getting on my goat for a while, and I have stewed over it all weekend looking for an answer.... Why do apparently tough men playing what some call the toughest game in the world insist on dressing up like women? There is a long line of nufties who seem to think it is the height of humour to get dolled up, tuck the toys between the legs and prance around like a woman. Why? Is there some unexplained pent up and unrealised pressure for these 'tough men' to be cross dressers? Is there some latent homosexuality within the ranks of the NRL? Is packing a scrum with a bunch of blokes only a pathway to packing fudge with them? Is a 'bun' as they affectionately call it as perpetrated by Curranulla and the Bulldogs amongst others merely a smoke screen for an excuse to bat off in company and spray your team mates with baby batter? Don't get me wrong here, I love a laugh as much as the next bloke if not more so but this is not funny. This a long and loud cry for help from some very confused young men searching for some sexual chocolate in their preferred flavour.

For former Panther and footballing media commentator Mark Geyer, the latest in a long line of skirt wearing footballers, it puts into order a lot of his life issues--the suspensions, the violent outbursts, the positive drug test, the failure to make training for Balmain, the season with Umina on the Central was all a cry for help.

I had respect for Mark Geyer, but now I just wish that Wally had snotted him good back in the 1991 Origin and maybe whacked some sense into him.

Watch Your Back Kama!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was disappointed to hear that the world's oldest person, 115-year-old African-American woman Gertrude Baines, has died.

Baines, whose epic life encompassed 21 US presidents, two World Wars, the Wright Brothers' maiden flight in 1903 and Neil Armstrong's first steps on the Moon, died at the WesternConvalescent Hospital on Friday, hospital officials said.

According to the Los Angeles-based Gerontology Research Group, the world's oldest living person is now a 114-year-old Japanese woman, Kama Chinen of Okinawa, but if I were Kama I would not be too happy about it as it would appear that the title is cursed, with all of it's recipients having died soon after receiving the award. Me thinks that the Gerontology Group should be investigated for harm brought unto our senior citizens.

It is digraceful what some people try and perpetrate on the elder members of society.

Wednesday, 9 September 2009

"I Didn't See it, I Was Texting"

Can you be a sailor if you can't sail???
I had to laugh. In fact when I heard the story I did laugh. And it was a four or five lard laugh. Pretty good laughing.
It was all over the news yesterday and after a year of preparation the nation wished her well as she set off. Jessica Watson, at age 16, was off attempting to become the youngest person to circumnavigate the world. Her first leg was from the Sunshine Coast in Queensland down the coast to Sydney where she would just make sure everything on the boat was OK. But it wasn't OK. Oh no-ni-no.
She hit another boat--A CONTAINER SHIP--last night--OFF STRADBROKE ISLAND--not far from her departure site and less than 24 hours into the voyage.
A spokesman for the Australian Maritime Safety Authority, who should know better, said her yacht collided with a bulk carrier shortly before 2.30am.
"The bulk carrier is believed to be heading north up the east coast and has allegedly failed to stop," said the spokesman, who should know that the that stopping a bulk carrier is not a matter of simply pulling on the handbrake.
But she is still keen to go and vows to try again after fixing her boat. From her website "Jessica’s positive attitude and quiet determination leave no doubt that the challenge of sailing alone around the world will be readily achieved." Positive attitudes and quiet determination will only get you so far if you can't avoid ships the size of buildings on the open waters. Let's hope the whales keep out of her way...

Friday, 21 August 2009

Destiny? Spare Me!!!!!!!!!

The NRL, and in particular chief vazhin Gallop, whom I have long suspected of suffering from a major bout of plot loss have finally gone and proven that when it comes to ridiculousness, they are the kings. What is a DESTINY ROUND? I wish you could hear me say it because I sound like I am an announcer for a bad 70s game show......

"Hahaha, yes yes and welcome back. We are here with Mary Smith, a housewife and mother of four from Croydon. Congratulations Mary, you have just won the Black and Decker kitchen mixer, now with two speeds and linoleum cover. Now we move to the DESTINY ROUND where you will play for a new house built with James Hardies finest asbestos sheeting! As an expectant mother you can rest easy knowing you are being protected from the elements by asbestos. Remember folks, the DESTINY ROUND is sponsored by Craven A's, the cigarette most favoured by doctors!"

What is a DESTINY ROUND? Is it double points? Are the games played backwards? Is there an egg and spoon component to the game, no kicks for goal this weekend, DESTINY ROUND dictates that such things are predecided, Hollywood Harrigan will let you know once he reviews some footage. Will there be tarot card readers on the half way? Clairvoyants in the crowds ruining the odds on the market by revealing the winner? Will the teams have philosophical discussions at half time about what exactly constitutes a persons destiny, and whether there is such a thing a fate, before moving onto a discussion on free will and man's ability to alter the path of his life? Destiny refers to a predetermined course of events so why are we playing this round at all? If it is all predetermined why bother showing up? It is a concept based on the belief that there is a fixed natural order to the cosmos. So if you are destined to win you should be able to do that from home, feet up on the lounge with a cold one in hand. Stay home!!

DESTINY ROUND....what a crock. The name is so ridiculous we should rename the upcoming get together the Destiny Drink. And I can see our destiny, and we will be drunk as sailors on shore leave and laughing our heads off.

Wednesday, 12 August 2009


Well, its true I haven't blogged for a while, so I am a little rusty and actually a little unsure whether my entry is blog-worthy in this amazing sanctum. Anyway f*ck it, you have read this far so I guess you must be interested in my thoughts or all of the satellites have fallen out of the sky and there is nothing on the box.

I was listening to the news today and apart from the news about Greg 'I love fisting women, and not in the good way' Inglis I heard two news stories which pricked my interest. Well, they actually p*ssed me off. Here they are;

  1. Someone Kennedy died. Boo f*cking hoo. Someone related to a dead president of a country on the other side of our globally warming planet died and that makes our news???? Give me a f*cking break. I would rather listen to a seminar by Greg Bird and the aforementioned Mr Inglis on how to 'Keep Your Bitches In Line'.
  2. When did we start pronouncing Papua New Guinea properley? When I was at school we pronounced it PAP-YOU-A New Guinea, not as it is now PARPWA New Guinea. Maybe its now said correctly but I dont give a toss I like the old version. Say it with me PAP YOU A New Guinea. Takes you back too doesn't it? Dont even get me started on the f*ckers at Nestles/Nestle.

Thats all for now, I know it wasnt great, but hey you got it for free.

Friday, 10 July 2009

Run Forrest Run!!!!!

Maca, (at right) posing for a photo with the fun run winner during post race presentations and celebrations

Due to the lack of contributions from my fellow board members I have gone through the archives of University ChovMacCrack and found this gem from last November. Maca had a brief foray back into the world of running and related the tale below with fellow sports fans Chov and Crack providing comments at the end, back in the days when humorous emails were the order of the day and working was not as much a priority. I hand the microphone over to Maca at this point, and let him regale you with tales of sporting glory….

Maca: I know you have probably been worried all weekend, wondering how my running comeback went so without further ado......

I lined up with the other participants (estimated 700-800) at 9am Sunday morning. The track was good to fast (it was bitumen) and the weather was cloudy. I knew I was no chance to finish in the top 40 so I had set my sights on finishing in the top 100 and trying to crack the magic 30 minute mark. My plan was to run patiently somewhere in the area of the leading pack (or at least not too far back) for the first 4.5 km and then pick up my pace a little for a sustained run for the last 1.5km.

The gun was fired and there was chaos but everything was sorted out at about the 400m mark. I had kept up with the Ragedrs and some dudes wearing triathlon shirts so I knew I was in a pack that would set a good pace and hopefully drag me into the race. At the 1km mark they started to move away from me and my apprentice jockey (my brain) decided to throw the trainers instructions out the window and make his move now and I went with the Ragedrs pack. By 2km I was f***ed.

I had however burnt off most of the Ragedrs with my blistering pace. I passed the first drinks station like a professional, grabbing drinks from the young ladies and casting my used cups with aggression to the side of the road.

The second drink station was a different matter. It was at the 4km mark and I had barely enough energy to remember who I was let alone grab a drink. This station was different to the first as well; they didn't stand the young ladies by the road holding the cups out for the elite athletes pounding the pavement. Oh no my friends, their error, one I am sure will be fixed for next year’s event, was to fill all the cups up and have them on a table for the runners to grab as they went past.

By this stage I was running on my own as the triathletes were now about 50m in front and the Ragedrs about 20m behind. I could see the table well as I drew closer, but as I went to reach out to grab a cup my exhaustion took over and I stumbled and knocked over all of the drinks except the one in my hand. As I ran off I could hear the runners behind me swearing and carrying on but I did not let them put me off and carried on running.

At about the 5km mark I tried to accelerate but I had nothing left, so I just continued at the same pace and eventually ran through the finishing arch placed 105th in a time of 33 minutes and 52 seconds. I hadn’t beaten the time I had set or finished in the top 100 but I had beaten most of the Ragedrs squad home except for a few reserve graders, but they don't count.

All in all it was an interesting experience which I am today paying for as I cannot walk.

Chov: Gold. I believe it’s jogging or yogging, it might be a silent J. I’m not sure what it is but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It’s going to be wild.

Crack: Was there some training done in the lead up to the marathon? Listening to the theme from Chariots Of Fire over and over does not constitute training.

Maca: No running training. But I have been riding the exercise bike.
I also watched Gallipoli with made me think my legs were steel springs which were going to hurl me down the track. However it also made me think I was going to get shot as I crossed the finish line.

Crack: No running training or even walking training. But I have been standing in close proximity to an exercise bike I picked up off the side of the road from a council clean up.

Chov: Maca loves those. He calls them “Bargain Fridays” and swears they are the best source for all your possible Xmas shopping needs.

Maca: This year I am ‘buying’ you both a fridge and some shoes for Xmas.
Also a 2006 Diary for you Crack, and as a special ‘early-bird’ bonus, the lady at number 24 has already filled out most of your appointments for that year, and written about your holiday already.
And your holiday was a little racy.

Chov: And I will try to act surprised when I open my Commodore 64.

Crack: I hope I get an Amstrad!

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Cry? I Never Thought I'd Start

From this mornings Rag

"About 100 people, some carrying posters and wearing trademark Michael Jackson hats sat quietly and watched the tributes to Jackson, many in tears.
Jason Jackson an avid fan and Jackson impersonator was among those who attended the gathering.
The 35-year-old who lives with his parents in Narellan Vale was devastated by the King of Pop's death and has vowed to carry on his legacy through his work as a professional tribute artist.
Dressed in full costume he was visibly moved during the memorial service, shedding a few tears and miming the words to many of the songs. "

Good lord. That says it all. Maybe he should consider moving into normal life now that Jackson is dead, joining regular society, moving out of his parents and getting a real job, one involving hard physical effort hopefully and MAN UP A BIT!!!

OK, he is dead, we have had the memorial service can we now let it go?

Call me crazy, and many do, but does the death of Michael Jackson prove that in death a man's sins are automatically washed away, and that in life a man's sins can be washed away (or at the very least paid off to go away) with money?

I wonder if the world will be as forgiving of Gary Glitter when he dies?

Monday, 29 June 2009

Tongue Licks Melbourne


A public holiday has been declared in Canberra today to kick off a week of celebrations following the Ragedrs win over the Inclement Weather 26 to 16 at Brooooooooooce Stadium yesterday. The Ragedrs have not beaten the Weather in anything since 2002.

Canberra were always more hungry as they are being paid in pies for a win nowadays than Melbourne in an 80-minute effort the rangey ranger footballing journeyman Jowl Monaghan described as "one of the few wins I've been involved with that I was sober for, it has been a while."

"The personnel has changed, the game is still a game of two halves and 80 minutes long but it's great to get the monkey off our backs against The Weather, which in hindsight was a pretty ridiculous way to play against them. Have you ever tried to run with a bonobo monkey frotting away on your back looking for a opening. It can be distracting" he said.

As for retaining his Origin spot for game three, Monaghan said: "I'm not sure if I'll be there. After today's win I think I will be on the cans for a while. I have heard Toddles Carney, the patron saint of celebrations is in town so the phone may be turned off for a while. I've said the whole time that the only thing I can effectively control is my bladder, I haven't seen any replays of the game yet but I thought I did that today, so fingers crossed I keep that up. You can go broke buying adult nappies."

-Mike Oxwollen

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Give us a push, I don't think I can go any further....

It's so unbelievably underwhelming but we have limped over the line with fifty posts.

I wish we could have charged over the line, hands held high like an Olympic sprinter hopped up on the latest performance enhancers. Instead we stumble our way to the line, coughing and spluttering, with all the vim and vigour of a sloth shot by a poacher, hanging on but refusing to fall.

It was a promising start but unfortunately the monkeys that usually bang out blogs like ours went out for a smoke and never returned. And I think we are all poorer for it.

I will blog again soon when I feel a little more human. I started work at 6am Tuesday and finished at 1am Wednesday, returning to work eight hours later for more punishment and am not feeling quite right just yet. Hopefully I can blog about how great the State of Origin game was, how it was a hard fought battle, with at least two big dust ups that don't result in the sin binning of everyone and are seen as part of a full contact sport between fit young angry men.

But I doubt it.

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Swine Flu Comedy Gold

Below is a transcript of a conversation shared by the three Sanctum members regarding the swine flu. Sit down, buckle up and ready yourself for COMEDIC GENIUS!!!!

Crack: I thought I had contracted swine flu so I called the hotline, but I couldn't hear anything because there was too much CRACKLING on the line! Boom tish!

I thought I had swine flu but I'm OK now that I used a little OINKment. BAHAHAHAHAA!!
The Centre for Disease Control said the symptoms of swine flu include fever, coughing, aches, and an uncontrollable desire to roll in the mud and a break out of RASHERS.

That's all I've got. Honest.

OK, OK, one more...My doctor just called me and told me to get to the hospital and get checked out for swine flu. He said he knows I have never been to Mexico but he does know that I have been with some real pigs in my time.

Maca: You are HOGging all of the good jokes Crack
Chov: No need to go off like a PORK CHOP, though.

Maca: With so many pig jokes can we start to call him Crack-ling?
Chov: Nah, that is SNOUT good enough. Something with more STYle. Something less BOARing

As I said....GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, 30 April 2009

Run To The Hills!! It's a Sure Sign of Global Warm......Oh, Winter Must Be Coming

Al Gore has disconnected his phone and Penny Wong is denying everything she has EVER SAID as Melbourne set new records for cold weather this week. Melbourne had its coldest April morning -- 2.9C -- in over 50 years, while a number of suburbs had temperatures of between 0C and 2C. Mt Hotham had the morning’s lowest temperature of 4.4C – a day after the mountain recorded the lowest ever April minimum temperature of -8.2C. Melbourne set another record yesterday when it recorded four days in a row below 15C for the first time since 1949, signalling calls of a new ice age being upon us, rather than global warming.

"Sometimes when the temperatures go up and start melting everything and dooming us it is also a sign that the world may be heading for an Ice Age where thousands will freeze to death in their beds while they sleep" Penny Wong said at a press conference today.

Al Gore is said to be none too concerned with the coming ice age as he will simply resort to burning some of the millions of dollars he has made through perpetrating the global warming scare.

According to the weather bureau the cold conditions were the result of a low pressure system, and amazingly something called winter. The Rudd Gu'mment is forming a task force to investigate the impending colder weather and it's potential for more ridiculous and unfounded taxation policies based on nothing but a far from thoroughly researched theory.

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Swine Flu

They say AIDS was started when men began having relations with monkeys.
Does this photo show how Swine Flu began?

Is anyone really surprised that we are facing down death via Swine Flu, possibly the greatest threat to our existence after Global Warming. The increasing popularity of vegamaterianism, which has been allowed to prosper right under the Gu'mments nose and championed by organisations like PETA have doomed us all. All these vegans and vegematerians who think by not eating meat they will save the world have placed us in peril, never before seen. As my learned colleague Maca pointed out to me this afternoon bird flu, spread by chooks, mad cow disease spread by cattle and now swine flu spread by pigs. We need to up our quotient of dead animal flesh eaten so we don't face sheep flu, roo flu and deer flu in the near future. By not eating animals we are letting them get a foothold. Before long these animals will be our overlords in a world that would make Planet Of The Apes look like a holiday camp. We have already seen here in Sydney this past summer sharks attempting to commence their takeover of the world with a few violent assaults of people swimming in the water!! How long is the Gu'mment going to allow this? We need kiddies in school to learn this food pyramid;See whats on the bottom? MEAT and lots of it. Hook in kids because if you don't Mr Cow will soon be knocking on your door, and taking all the toys from your room. Don't give him that chance!!!!

On the plus side of all of this hopefully pork prices will plummet and guess who will be there stocking up on yummy bacon and legs of pork while all the scaredy cats run for cover? ME!! I heard on talk back radio today people saying they would not be eating pork until 'the crisis was over'. Great, hopefully this signals the start of more plentiful and cheap supplies of pig meat for the rest of us.

Pigs will never take over. I am top of the food chain and keeping those numbers down by doing my bit. I am only one man but I am one man making a difference.

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

They Grow Up So Quick

Four months old and already a full head of hair....

But it does make me a bit worried. Makes me think that Guy Sebastian wasn't around at our humble abode a year ago to clean the pool at all. I must admit I was suspicious at the time as we don't even have a pool but being the trusting soul I am I let him in anyway.

I will be ready for him next time he comes to clean the pool....I'm onto you Sebastian you god bothering fuzzy headed freak!!!!

Monday, 27 April 2009

We Are Making A Difference!

Indian readers of the Sanctum celebrating another victory for your favorite despot in waiting, Cracka.

It has been said that blogging and the whole blogging experience is a waste of effort and energy that it may as well be done by monkeys, trained to mash the keyboard with their fists and post for a banana reward. Some have said that 95% of all blogs are done by monkeys. I don't know the facts and figures but I KNOW I'm not a monkey and that here at the Sanctum, we are making a difference.

You my recall my post from a while ago about the University of Sydney offering "barister" coffee at one of the eating establishments there. Go back through the archives and check, I'll wait here for you....

OK, now when I was out there last week I noticed they have a new sign! And the spelling is fixed!!

Sometimes my very good friends, sometimes life gets me down and I think I can't keep up the fight and struggle any longer, it is all too hard and there is too much for this one little black duck to do. It can get me down as I'm only one man and there is so much wrong in the world that needs fixing, and then you get a result, a great result, and spelling is amended and it was all because of ME!! Makes a bloke feel pretty damn good.

No need to thank me, Just doing my job.

Thursday, 9 April 2009

Things Crack Would Like To See: Number 2

People who would prefer to drive below the speed limit move to the left hand lane, or alternatively, not drive at all. Buses are slow, get on one of them. That's why they are on the road, so slow pokes don't clog up the public thoroughfares with their annoying driving habits.
Anyone who is caught driving 10 kilometers per hour below the posted speed limit should have their car confiscated and sold for scrap. The money will be used to fund the public transport system so dopes who drive slowly or have trouble with the concept of driving keep out of my way.
Oh and if you cannot park the car you own you will not be allowed to drive the car you own and your motor will be scrapped. On the bus with you too!!!!

Monday, 6 April 2009

Things Crack Would Like To See: Number 1

A blood delivery vehicle with a sticker on it stating "Not so urgent blood delivery. Please don't alter the velocity of your travel around me"

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Doing Time...

Anyone who knows me well knows I am loathe to spread rumours and scuttlebutt but tales such as the one below need--in the interests of truth, honesty and helping out a mate--to be brought out into the open, into the light of truth, so that any stigma is released and reduced by the harsh light of criticism, and so that we may all learn from one of our mistakes together.

I have a very strong suspicion that one of the Trio has been in some legal trouble of late, maybe for public drunkenness, maybe for indecent exposure, and as such has been given some kind of community service order to fulfill. Why do I think this?

1. The person in question has been working days and nights at his "cooking job" when it used to be a purely evening gig.

2. He is incommunicado for most of the week, and you never hear from him on weekends.

3. He has been helping out in various 'canteens' throughout Canberra.

4. I received a text from him saying he had fed 110 kids from Bankstown of a Islamic religious leaning.

5. I saw him recently and I could have sworn I saw the outline of a tear drop tatt under his eye (OK, maybe I made that one up)

I hope that when he has finished serving his time he will again be able to rejoin normal society. I won't embarrass him by naming him here but let me say thing; Hang in there Mr M_ca. We are all behind you 100%.

Friday, 27 March 2009

Bang Bang!!

I awoke this morning and listened to the 5.00am news and was astounded to hear no reports of drive-by shootings in Sydney! I was amazed.

By 8am the reports changed and there had in fact been one at Roselands.

And how is spending one billion dollars on the Opera House going to help things Mr Rees?

We are being run by idiots, pure and simple. Bring on the revolution. It cannot come soon enough.

Monday, 9 March 2009

Would You Like A Dictionary With That??

I spotted this sign the other day whilst working at the University of Sydney.
I don't drink coffee but would love to know what "barister" coffee is.
Funny thing on the other side of that sign they offer barista coffee.
And you want me to pay your uni fees too?
And it was "O" Week at the Uni last week, and I noticed all the new students were given a brick to carry. I had to ask why. This was the future of this great nation, I had to know what it was all about! Were they building a new science lab, maybe a new retaining wall for the dance teachers car park? Turns out as part of the initiation to the uni the first years have to carry the brick for a week.
I was gobsmacked and screamed with great gusto--SPARE ME DAYS!!!!!!!!!!
You would hope that someone who is to pursue a path of higher learning would flat out refuse and say no to the peanut that handed them a brick and said "carry this for a week". I know I would, and I am not at uni!
Maybe that's what they will teach them, first lesson, first month, an intensive course on how-not-to-be-hoodwinked-into-doing-stupid-stuff-by-others-under-the-guise-of-fitting-in 101.

Friday, 6 March 2009

Australia’s Dopiest Man Found!

THE man who wants to give Todd Carney another chance and insists Carney working in a bottle shop can be his path to a new future has been named Australia’s Dopiest Bugger in a glittering awards show hosted by King of The Wombats, Eddy McGuire.
Michael Nasser says the former Raider is a "zero risk" and wants Carney to play for his club in north Queensland, The Atherton Fruits, while working in the Nasser family's hotel. Nasser says Carney will be working for him from Tuesday, and they would make the rest up from there.
Nasser won the title following the following statements
"We have three bottle shops and he'll be working there in the day. His afternoons will be full-on working in the gym and training with the local team.
"It's not about him getting on the grog - he'll be doing a couple of courses, Responsible Service of Alcohol and Responsible Management of Licensed Venues. The boy's really keen to learn.
"If you did a risk assessment it would come out at zero. The man's not an alcoholic."
"I've been president of a football club for 19 years and employing people for over 30 years, I'm a pretty good judge of character,"
King of The Wombats McGuire admitted that even he would have trouble topping Nasser’s efforts. “Not only is he dopey, he is truly delusional! If Ben Cousins gets on the pipe again Nasser will have him working in the Atherton chemist. Greg Bird shouldn’t be going to France—Nasser will get him a job at the Atherton Women’s Refuge. It’s an award he truly deserves.”

Toddles Carney, in better times dressed in his Canberra playing strip (L) and in his best suit, ready for another court appearance (R).

Friday, 27 February 2009

Gallen----Footy Hurts!!!

Photo of Paul Gallen relaxing on the NSW South Coast during the 2008/2009 off season.

FACING six weeks out with injury, Cronulla's world champion whinging dog Paul Gallen has called for all NRL trial games to be banned, because he got hurt, the poor diddums.

Gallen will learn today if a twinge in his knee is in fact a serious knee injury as he is telling everyone. The news it was a serious injury was surprising as no-one knew he was a doctor until now.

Teammates Maitua (ankle), Tupou (neck) and Jacob Selmes (collarbone) also collected injuries during the trial match. This reporter thinks they should collect something safer, like stamps or shells. Injuries are a bad hobby to get onto collecting.

Maitua, like Gallen, will have scans today but could be out for up to 12 weeks or maybe forever, or maybe a week, we don't know, but 12 weeks sounds good.

Gallen super duper hyper extended his knee and is looking at a recovery of between two and six weeks, with Curranulla's forward depth already stretched after losing Greg "I'm so hard I glass girls" Bird and Fraser "Mr $400,000" Anderson.

"Personally I would like it (trial matches banned)," Gallen sobbed yesterday. "I think if everyone agrees to it, it would save injuries and everyone would be on the same level. In 2002, I did an ankle in trials, in '04 I hurt my hamstring. In '06 it was my back and in '07 I injured my ankle and missed nine games. Sounds like you are crap Gallen and are not ready for the season!
"It probably sounds like I'm whingeing NOOOOOO!!!! Reeeeeeeeeallyy???? and I know there are games like the Charity Shield, but trial games can give clubs a heap of injuries. As opposed to regular season games where you run through injury free Everyone holds their breath in trial games. Maybe you should try and breathe more, maybe you wouldn't get injured so much

Trial matches should be banned but would that reduce the risk of injury? Not bloody likely. It would only push the injuries into the first few rounds WHERE THE WEAK WOULD BE ELIMINATED!! This is Darwinism in effect. This is where the blokes who are not ready for contact sports are eliminated and taken out before the season proper begins.
It was great to see Gallens own coach, Tricky Stuart, contradict him and say that "... trials are a necessary evil." Speak to your coach about your complaint Gallen so you don't look like a uninformed brain dead invertebrate when you sob to the media, hang on, there is NOTHING you could do to not come off as anuninformed brain dead invertebrate!!
Roosters coach Brad Fittler said trials "serve a purpose" while Bulldogs coach Kevin Moore said injuries simply happen in rugby league.
It is nice to know that the Bulldogs might actually have someone with half a brain on board this year.

Reporter--Mike Oxwollen

NRL News: Toddles Carney

Part of the service offered here at the Sanctum is the news, the real news, the news you won't find anywhere else. We have sources, contacts and reporters stationed at all points of the world ready to send it the straight dope, uncensored and unaltered.

With the NRL season soon to begin we take this story from our sports correspondent deep in the bowels of NRL HQ


BANNED public urinator Toddles Carney yesterday walked into the NRL and offered David Gallop oral pleasure for life if he let him play again in 2009, but was sent away crying like a baby.
With his manager Delusional David Riolo, Carney held a one-hour meeting with the NRL chief vazhin about the possibility of the former Canberra halfback playing again.
But for the first time in his career, and surprising everyone and even himself, Gallop did not back down telling the troubled player any contract would not be registered.
Riolo claimed Carney should be given a "second chance, or maybe even a third, fourth or fifth chance, even I have lost count", despite a series of off-field peccadilloes.
Sacked by Canberra last year, Carney could not get a visa to play in the UK due to the incredibly difficult paperwork and effort required and faces 2009 stuck in Goulburn Workers. "Why shouldn't he be allowed to play?" Riolo said.
"He has paid a hefty price in public embarrassment. How long can we kick someone when they are down? Sure he has a wrap sheet, haven’t we all.”
Delusional Dave also wants a contract for Bilal Skaf and Ivan Milat to line up for season 2009 in some capacity.
"Toddles has lost hundreds of thousands of dollars at the TAB and pub and been picked on in the press and by the influential and mysterious think tank known as The Golden Trio. He cries himself to sleep, he has worn out his last two teddy bears, it’s a sad state of affairs.”
"He has gone through a tough time, which through no fault of his own he has brought on himself. But Toddy would like to get his life back on track, be able to pay off his Liquorland account, renew his Goulburn Workers membership and we hope Canberra support that."
Canberra chairman John McIntyre said his club would not budge and give Carney a clearance.
"We are firm on this – Todd can root a boot. If he can’t play with us, he will play with no-one and we expect the NRL to back us," McIntyre said.
Gallop said he listened to Riolo but had not altered his view.
"From our point of view nothing has changed," Gallop said. Asked if the NRL would still ban Carney if a club asked for his services, Gallop yet again showed his true colors and said: "Maybe, maybe not. Sometimes punishment has to be tough. But I might change my mind again yet, it’s what I do. And oral pleasure for life is a pretty good offer"
From our man on the scene--------Mike Oxwollen

Never mind Toddles, there is always your current driving job to fall back on......

Thursday, 26 February 2009

The Golden Trio Prediction List or Eat $hit Nostradamus Part Two

I would first like to thank my learned colleague for reminding us of something we said we would do back in December but have wisely waited until March to do.

I know I have personally fielded many calls from frantic folk asking me "Crack, where are your predictions? I cant wait for events to occur, tell me whats going to happen now!!"

And whilst I mean no disrespect to my canine racing campadre, his predictions are rubbish. So get Centerbet on the blower, get to the pub to lay on the bets, because here is whats going to happen in 2009.

  • Dead: Kev "Super Kev: Chairman Mao Zerudd" Rudd (and to any secret service types out there, and I know you are watching, I am in no way wishing ill on our illustrious if not delusional leader). Well he won't actually die, he will fake his own death when he runs out of money to throw away and live incognito in a small South American hillside town supplementing his income as a song and dance man named Hardwood Panel.
    Bert Newton however will die, poisoned by his own hair hat glue.
  • NRL Winner: The mighty West Tigers. With that boat anchor they have been carrying for many years and ex captain (aka Hodgo) gone, the Tiges can finally rise above all. Benji Marshall is now 85% titanium so his injury concerns are a thing of the past and Keith "Mad Bloodnut" Galloway is on double the angry pills he was on last year. He is like a bunger looking for a letterbox, fuse lit and ready to explode!!
  • NRL Wooden Spooner: Coming from the "Emerald City" also known as Sid-in-ee I have to say Canberra. It's in our constitution. But I think that North Queensland will struggle this year, not only to win games but to actually turn up due to the continued flooding in the north of the state.
  • Expected Headline: While The Rag has already amazed and astounded with some great reportage (yesterdays "Sharks In The Harbour!" was genius; next week I hope to see "Gravity:Makes Sh_t Fall Down!") I look forward to seeing "King Crack Takes Over! People Rejoice And Cheer 'About Time!!'" sometime around November.
  • Unexpected Headline: 'Bindi Irwin: Not from Outer Space As First Thought!'

I can give you more but I think there should be some surprises right? And I know you want me to use my powers to help you win lotto so, for our loyal readers (Hi Dad!!) I will leave you with this lotto prediction.

22, 4, 39, 43, 1 and 19 supps 32 and 3

will be numbers that will roll up in lotto draw at some stage through the year. (numbers may not fall in the same draw together or on the same week or any combination thereof)

Punt high and follow on!!

The Golden Trio Prediction List or Eat $hit Nostradamus

Its that time of year well akually its passt that time of year that the Golden Trio will bless the public with their predelictions for 2009

But Maca I here you ask its nearly March

Yes it is my punctual freind but thats how awesum the trio is. we dont need a full year

So without further ado and wiff no need for Huh Jackman to sing about it I presant to you Maca's predelictions...

  1. Dead: Patrick Swayzee is to eezy I am goin out on a lim and saying Madonna
  2. NRL Winner: Dragens
  3. NRL Wooden Spooner: Penriff
  4. Expected Headline: 'Rudd Rolls Out Next Stimyoulis Pakage, $10,000 for everyone with a name'
  5. Unexpected Headline: 'Beer Companyies anounce huge profit, slash price of all beer'

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

You Are Not Impressing Anyone You Fairy

I have to get serious for a minute…

I had reason to visit one of Sydney’s larger hospitals on Monday night to visit a family member who had taken a turn. When we were at the hospital there were police and TV cameras everywhere, as there had been yet another shooting in Sydney. The bloke who was shot--who was in good spirits and being escorted through emergency with two cops and was attended to straight away while we waited for someone to come and speak with us--had all his mates hanging around out the front. Them on one side and the cops on the other, both sides watching each other. All these wannabe tough guys, all these posers, all these W@NKERS should learn that if you keep your nose clean, keep to yourself and live a good clean life you won't get shot, won't be hassled by the police, won't have society looking down their nose at you. They made me furious. Standing around blocking entrances, posing and posturing for the cameras, eyeballing the police, who are they kidding? Why would you want to be a despised wombat all your life? Did they think that by trying to intimidate everyone around they were going to prove anything? I am no tough guy but I am not going to be intimidated by such weak willed, spineless, cowardly pathetic excuses for life.

Guns don’t make you tough you idiots. Intimidating people with your tattoos and nasty stares don’t make you tough either. Getting on with life through good times and bad and dealing with adverse situations that life throws up makes you tough.

It's a shame for them and society at large that they don’t understand this.

Monday, 23 February 2009

Things we never could have seen coming...

I am SHOCKED by the following headline from this morning's Daily Rag newspaper...

"Ryles may miss Super League season"
"FORMER St George Illawarra prop Jason Ryles could miss the remainder of the Super League season after suffering a shoulder injury in his Catalans Dragons debut."

How can this be?

What’s next? An equally shocking headline like...

"Pope a suspected Catholic"

As Rex Mossop would say...."spare me days..."...

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

And One More Thing

And might I add that the rules as listed below are so good, they go to eleven. Other rules go to ten but these ones go to eleven, a sure sign of excellence in anyones book.

A Timely Reminder

I fished this off Wikipedia yesterday to remind myself of the rules prior to the Prestige Worldwide organised extravaganza that is coming up on the 28th. It’s a timely reminder for all of us.

Cracksberry rules for the sport of drinking.
This code of rules superseded the Revised London Prize Drinking rules (1853), which had themselves replaced the original London Prize Drinking rules (1743) written by Mike Oxwollen. This version persuaded drinkers that "you must not drink simply for fun; no holds barred is not the way; you must win by the rules" (17, sect. 5, pt. 1).
1. To be a fair stand-up (or sit down) drink must occur in a pub, hotel, loungeroom, backyard etc, in other words some where conducive to happy times.
2. No hugging or effeminate gesturing allowed.
3. The rounds to be of one drink each and no more than fifteen minute's time between rounds.
4. If either man falls through weakness or otherwise, he must get up unassisted, 10 seconds to be allowed him to do so, the other man meanwhile to remain in position ready to assist, and when the fallen man is on his legs the round is to be resumed and continued. If one man fails to get up in the 10 seconds allowed, the other man must help his fallen mate.
5. A man hanging onto the bar or table in a helpless state shall be considered finished for the evening.
6. No seconds or any other person to be allowed to sup anyone elses drink during the round.
7. Should the contest be stopped by any unavoidable interference, the participants are to name the time and place as soon as possible for finishing the drink; so that the shout must be completed, unless the wives or girlfriends of both men agree that it is unsafe to continue and revoke leave passes.
8. The drinks are to be fair-sized and of the best quality affordable at the time.
9. Should a drink be spilt, dropped, or misplaced, questions of the participants’ manhood will be raised.
10. A man on one knee is considered down and in dire need for a steak or kebab.
11. No shoes or boots with springs allowed. Or rocket boots.

And beer, it's good for everyone, as this ad shows


The news of my esteemed colleague Craig 'Half Digits' Nash, is off to watch a Pink concert has shocked some (not me, I always knew he was a bit 'that way'), but not quite as shocking as my next statement.

Michael McDonald, maker of babies, lover of ladies and drinker of beer and rum, is going to watch a game of AFL.

Shocking isnt it. But now its out there I feel better.

Technically I am going as a Teacher, well pretending to be a teacher as a representative of the school. I believe there will be some drinks and food involved and maybe a talk from some tosser about promoting AFL in the school. I plan to be drunk by the speech.

Whilst I am on the blog (and because I am too lazy to start a new post) here are some things that are on my goat right now;
  1. People who use their fingers to signal quotation marks, you know the people who speak and find it necessary to emphasise certain words by sticking their digits up near their ears and looking like a total tool. Stop it you "look" like a "fu(kwit".
  2. The friend of mine, who shall remain nameless in the 1 in 16,000,000,000,000 chance that he reads this Blog, who starts most conversations with "Can I be honest with you?". Is that a question that needs to be asked? Does that mean everything you said previously was a lie?
  3. To the w@nker whose wallet I found last week. Have you ever heard of the turn 'REWARD'????? Your wallet had a Gold Visa, American Express Card and some other credit card, a drivers licence, a maritime licence, and an TV station ID, PLUS a wad of $50 notes. Try cancelling those cards and getting those licences reissued, see how much that costs you chump and then get back to me with one of those neatly pressed pineapples. And before all of you whining bleeding heart p00fs get on my case about helping your fellow man out and 'your reward should be that it will make you feel good' BS, I am here to tell you that it did not make me feel good, $50 would have made me feel good.

Thats better.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

The First Ever Official Sanctum Spot the Difference Competition!

We're big on audience involvement here at the Sanctum.

That's why we've decided to hold a competition for our ones of readers!

There might even be a prize (if we can be bothered, which isn't likely, but don't let that put you off).

Can you spot TEN DIFFERENCES between picture A and picture B below?

Picture A - A Mitsubishi Triton (His Royal Highness King Cracka may have broken his pinky whilst hurling a Triton and killing a man with it recently)

Picture B - A trident, King Neptune's weapon of choice, and a remarkably good Scrabble score if King Cracka has the letters to spell it out.

Call our competition phone-in line 1800 CRACKSMART with your entries!!

Sunday, 15 February 2009


God has smote me for being stupid. I have broken a knuckle on my right hand, on my pinkie finger, as the accompanying x-ray shows (not very well).

And it hurts!

Thursday, 12 February 2009


There are many things I would like to change and some things I would like to institute when my coronation as your king and ruler comes about, which surely cannot be too far away. The four day working week, the abolition of inane media reporting, institution of sensible haircuts and clothing for the youth… but last night I thought of something else. It hit me like a freight train, and it would improve the mental well being and happiness of the nation.

A government backed MAN REGISTER (patent pending, patent pending).

The MAN REGISTER would only be open to men, obviously, and would be a service funded through the treasury where you would register important dates with the MAN REGISTER such as birthdays and important anniversaries (which is all of them apparently, but more on that later). On the day before the important date you would receive a call, a reminder of the important event coming up. Additionally, for a nominal subscription fee, the MAN REGISTER would also be able to provide a gift on the day, delivered to your door just before you arrive home from another day at the coal face, so you are prepared when you walk in the door to meet your beloved.

“A MAN REGISTER! Another great idea Crack!” I hear you say, “How do you come up with these tops ideas?” Well my very good friends, most of my ideas are garnered through experience and as was with this idea, pain.

Three years ago yesterday was the day I first went out on a date with my three lettered one. Three years later we are happily married, in a nice house, with a nice house, with a great dog and with our new bundle of joy, Jaeda The Jungle Girl, all of which was placed in peril at approximately 5.45pm when I returned from a particularly trying day at work, in a particularly testy mood, and with no card, flowers, chocolate or present to commemorate the big third anniversary. I won't go into too much detail here, but I will say that I will never forget that date again, nor do I think will I ever taste anything from the box of Darrell Lee’s finest that my three lettered one bought for me.

First date anniversaries. As important as wedding anniversaries apparently.

Thursday, 5 February 2009

Brilliant Return To Form

My heart was gladdened to see that our good friend Maca is back. I was concerned that his recent forays into the world of greyhounds may have seen him hiding out for a while due to a bad debt. But lo he has returned!

And what a striking return to form. I have it on good authority the team from Backyard Blitz—and in particular Scott Cam—is presently running around paying off with cash or favours all and sundry, so scared are they of the new kid on the landscaping block, Maca. His revolutionary way of laying pavers using plastic tools is sure to revolutionise the gardening world.

And that hair cut! The Budgie should be allowed to finish school early and get herself straight to the hairdressing classroom at the local TAFE, not as a student but as an INSTRUCTOR. Everyone should have a haircut like that (Cal, are you listening...).

But I was a little saddened to see that our pants dodging, drum playing, feline loving mate is still wearing the same shirt he wore to the karaoke appearance from last year. Maca, take it off, have a tub. That shirt is DONE.

I look forward to more posts from this Australian hero.

Monday, 2 February 2009

No Turning Back--HEADING FOR THE PINK!!!

My three lettered one, bless 'er, has bought the tickets for Pink. I asked her to take care of this onerous task in the hope that we would miss out. But she proved me wrong and I am Pink bound.

Even better she has bought tickets on the dance floor.... so that, in her words......"We can have a dance".

I am sure you can feel the dread that is running through my veins from wherever you are.

Maybe I should look at this as a social experiment, seeing how the other half--those that may wear a Motorhead shirt but have never listened to Lemmy--entertain themselves. I am hoping that there will be a few other blokes there who are also chaperoning their beloved ones to have a beer with.

I will keep you informed.

Thursday, 29 January 2009

A Rocker Eroded

It has slowly been happening, but in a few weeks I think it will be official.

I am no longer the rocker I thought I was.

I am as shocked as you are, maybe more so. I enjoyed the dizzy highs of the rock star lifestyle with my early days in Odium, and later, Lethal. I have attended countless concerts, have been privileged to see some great bands, and have accumulated quite an impressive collection of music spanning most genres, but focusing on the heavier side of things. I was at one time able to sprout on about all the music played on 2JJJ, and knew most of the tunes on the radio.

But it is all over.

I listened to the hottest 100 on JJJ last weekend and knew none of the tunes, and the ones I heard sounded like they were made by cardigan wearing, fop haired girly men wearing ladies jeans who would wilt like a daffodil in the sun at the mere sound of the opening chords of Ace Of Spades.

But I am afraid I may soon be growing my hair out and letting it hang over one eye, slipping into a pair of ladies jeans and casting my eyes downward.

I have been asked to attend a concert by American music artist Pink by my three lettered one whose interest in music in the past has been limited to whatever I play or some obscure Thai love songs.

And I agreed to go.

As soon as I said yes and she ran off excitedly to check ticket availability I had visions of Lemmy nutting me, Danzig and Doyle walking away from me in disgust, Sabbath era Ozzy breaking into uncontrollable laughter......I was despondent. And still am.

Is this the end of my rockerdom???

I won't confirm it here, but if you soon see a whole heap of quality music music being offered for sale on EBay by someone named "oncewasarocker37645" you will know my friends, that the end has come.

Thursday, 22 January 2009

Save The World?? SPARE ME DAYS!!!!!!!!!

The Rag is a grand source for things to get the blood boiling and yesterdays edition, a souvenir edition mind you (following on from other memorable souvenir editions, Andrew Johns "I am a drugtaker" souvenir edition for one), was no exception. Front page a pic of Obama and then below that in large type:

"Barack Obama's first task: Saving the world"



How does one, "Save the world"? What is he saving us from? Are we about to be attacked by aliens? Is there something the good folk at The Rag know and are not telling us? Saving the world...I hope he does, I hope he saves the world from MORONS LIKE THOSE AT THE DAILY TELEGRAPH.

In the word of the mighty Rex Mossop, spare me days!!!

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Who'd Have Thunk It!!

Along with the usual visit by the big red bearded one over the summer months we have had other visitors to our fair shores over the festive season, visitors that hurt and bite and cause damage---SHARKS!!

A few people have been hit by sharks of late, some surviving to telll the tale, some not. Those that lost the fight with Mr Toothy I feel sorry for. But sharks, in the water, in the OCEAN!!! What is the world coming to! It must be global warming! RUN TO THE HILLS!!!

Thats where sharks live people, in the ocean. If you decide to go spearfishing and leave a trail of burley behind you, or surf where seals are known to frequent, or swim late at night then Jaws might pay you a visit because thats where he lives. Simple. Much like if you enter my backyard if you are a cat or dressed as a cat, then Bally "The Caterminator" may bite you, sometimes to death, because thats what he does. He is a wild animal whose mortal enimal is the feline. Its common sense.

Those that call for the culling of the shark can go jump. Thats where sharks live, we are visitors in their domain. Get over it.

And to those that have called the recent king tides and warm weather a sure sign of global warming, WAKE UP!! The king tide is a twice yearly event. The past few have been smaller and nature, in its infinite wisdom and dedication to balance made up for it this year. And the warmer weather is because it is SUMMER.

The world is full of dolts. We are here for public re-education, a public service provided free of charge. No need to thank me. I'm only one man but I am doing my bit.

Monday, 19 January 2009

While it may be important to you, I DON"T CARE!!!

If I was to tell you how much beer I drank during my holidays you wouldn't believe me. I had a few yesterday and it tasted like water. I have become immune to beer.

While I have mentioned Mr Obama in a previous post, which was more Lemmy (God) related than anything, I wonder if we need the coverage that the upcoming presidential inaugaration is getting here in Oz. I am happy he has the job and has removed Mr Bush from power but are we the 52nd state of America? Full live TV coverage of the inaugaration? Here in Australia? What is going on!! Our own swearing in ceremony when a new PM comes to power is barely mentioned but here we follow the presidental inaugaration like it was the second coming of Jesus.

We should have some pride in our own ceremonies and such and not be looking overseas for things such as this to watch.

Oh lordy........first day back at work and I am feeling it BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!