Wednesday, 31 December 2008

And now some men who need no introduction...

On the last day of 2008 I feel it is my duty to do a few things

  1. Drink my weight in beer
  2. Make no resolutions
  3. Introduce my fellow Golden Trioists
  4. Make some prediction for 2009 (in another post)

So without further ado (and because it is frowned upon to drink at 8.34am) I would like to introduce the other two members of the Golden Trio....

Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome to the stage Cracka (loud applause and one masculine sounding wolf whistle)

Cracka was born sometime in the 70's to Jan and Wayne founders of the famous couple who introduced crack cocaine to Australia. Craig was their first child but Jan soon popped out two sisters and a boy simply known as Piggy. Cracka had a happy childhood spending most of his time packaging Mum and Dads special 'fluffy powder' and playing Run Yourself Ragged with Piggy and his collection of Mutant Barbie dolls which he called his 'Army'.

At high school Crack's superior intellect and muscular body made him a target for school bullies and often meant he would get picked second last (just before the dude who smelt like arse) for Bullrush. Crack pushed his anger way down under his spleen as he knew that one day he would be great, or explode in a clocktower shooting rage.

And great he became, after leading his band to the dizzying heights of the St Lukes Hall Festival (now known as The Big Day Out), Crack left the band to concentrate on his Rugby League career. Unfortunatley this career was cut short when a freak barbed wire accident severed his heartstring.

Whilst the future seemed bleak for Crack, no Rugby League career, no band and an inability to brush his hair due to a sensitive scalp, it was now that his life found full direction. Whilst experimenting in his dungeon one day, Crack accidently invented the internet. Crack sold the internet to some computer nerds for a tragazillion dollars and went travelling.

Not much was heard from Cracka for the next couple of years and there are no official records of his travels. Some fans say he spent most of this time writing showtunes whilst others argue that he spent most of these years living in New Zealand where he married three sheep named Mildred, Francesca and Dave. Whatever he was doing didnt matter because when he exploded back on the scene with his book 'F*ck Off' everyone new that this dark period was behind him.

Cracka now lives a comfotable life with one wife, one daughter, one dog, and no sheep.

I will introduce Chov when my fingers stop bleeding.

Maca Out

Monday, 15 December 2008

Lemmy Told Them To!!

And while I am on it, listen to Motorhead's classic track "Bomber" from the 1979 release of the same name. Did Lemmy have a crystal ball, some divine inspiration?

Well how do you explain this...when Lemmy kicks into the chorus is he saying "Is Obama" or what!!! The man is a progressive thinker, and this explains why America voted him in, BECAUSE LEMMY TOLD THEM TO nearly 30 bloody years ago!! He never sang "Is Bush" did he.

Oh Lemmy, we are forever in your debt.

Is It Me Or Is It Cold Here?

Currently listening to Motorhead, Ace Of Spades. Lemmy is God.

Crazy Captain Kev has announced his climate change paper. What a crock. It used to be called Global Warming (remember those good old days...) but they realised that it didn't fit in with the plan as the warming could be possibly explained by other causes, so now it is climate change, like when the weather changes from cold in June to hot in December....RUN TO THE HILLS!!!!!! WE ARE ALL DOOMED TO DIE!!!!!!!!!

It is a crock. There are scientists who support the idea, and as many who say it is bunk, but the people who make the most noise, the great unwashed as I have heard them described, prefer to believe the former and refuse to see anything else. You can almost hear the words blaring directly from their brains... "Research? By experts? Who needs that? We BELIEVE! It's like everything else Greens do - it's all about who they can vilify and how they feel. Facts never enter the picture. Don't get me wrong, I love the environment and think that we should not be burning rubber tyres in the middle of the Great Barrier Reef, but seriously, lets get some perspective here. So many dissenting voices asking for more research into the subject....maybe some are old and are ready to go and are too lazy to do anything about it but surely they can't all want to die in an environmental catastrophe.

I lived overseas in 1999 and was told by the company I was working for that we had to fly out by December 20th to avoid the Y2K bug meltdown that was about to hit. It sure did hit. A few very smart people made a lot of money off that. Those same people are now reaching into our pockets under the banner of climate change.

If I be so bold check out this:
I did and I loved it.

My dream for 2009 is for Lemmy to front Al Gore on his own front lawn and kick him square in the kegs, and then get on a plane, fly to Tasmania, drinking and smoking the whole flight surrounded by nubile young lasses, go to Bob Brown's place (wont be too hard to find, its the grass thatch hut with no power or water attached) and nut him square across the bridge of the nose. And then come to my place for a beer....I am now the best mood I have been in all day just thinking about it.

Lemmy. Is there anything he cant do?

Friday, 12 December 2008

Chov's 30 Second Solutions for Big Problems #1: The Gummint and the Internet

Over at somewhere, the Federal Finance Minister Lindsay "My "Any" Key Is Missing" Tanner has started a "blog".

Mostly because he saw this one and realised how cool the Golden Trio are.

F*cken bandwagon jumper.

But Lindsay "It's NOT a girl's name, dammit!" Tanner and the Gummint want to hear precisely what internet users think of the Gummint's imbecile-ideas for the "Digital Revolution".

But only between 8.30am and 4.30pm, weekdays. Lindsay must think the "internet" (that thing the crazy cool kids these days talk about)(whatever it actually is), is closed the rest of the time.

So here is The Chov to give you the correct answers in 30 seconds, saving you time which you can put toward P2P sharing of new release DVDs instead. Before the Gummint f*cks it up.

* Q: What do you think of the Gummint's mandatory internet filtering proposal?
A: F*cking cortex-snappingly stupid. A f*cking chimpanzee with syphilis would say "that's a f*cking stupid idea". George W. Bush, who never met a stupid idea he didn't like, just did. While part of me is intrigued as to whether the Golden Trio's magnificent blog would make the secret blacklist, this moronic idea would not only slow down, if not eliminate, our pornography downloads from East Germany, it wouldn't speed up our illegal music downloading one megabyte as a result. So f*ck that.

* Q: What do you think of the Gummint's planned national broadband network?
A: F*cking useless pipe-dream. What's the f*cking point, when all you're going to do is SLOW IT DOWN with your stupid mandatory internet filter, you morons? It's like buying a Ferrari, then putting a 25km/h speed limiter on it. And painting it brown.

* Q: What do you think of everything else the Gummint is trying to do with the internet that the crazy cool kids are all talking about these days?
A: Who f*cken cares. Your first idea was so gigantically stupid it reduced my IQ by 5 points just by reading it. If any of the other ideas are even in the same ballpark, the internet will be an abacus and some numbered blocks within 2 months.

* Q: What can Australia do to participate fully in the "Digital Economy", besides showing You Tube clips of Wayne Swan reading "Economics for Deadshits" in his office, LIVE STREAMING(!)? A: F*ck you idiots off and put the Golden Trio in charge.

End of.

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Summing up everything that is f*cken wrong with the Eels.

Here is a quote from the esteemed Daily Rag newspaper that perfectly illustrates my point (coming as it does from a perpetually pained Eels fan). It comes from Chris Turd *ahem* JURD, a current board member of the Eels and official nob-polisher (on Tuesdays) of Mr Fitzgerald, Club President:

"Solicitor Chris Jurd, a current board member, expects a tight election this Sunday. "I'd be surprised if they won but you never can tell,'' Jurd said. "I just don't know what the real reason is for why people are becoming so agitated. The Parramatta junior league is being run very well.""


NO idea why Eels fans are unhappy? Not a f*cken clue in the world? It must be nice living in the same MORONIC BLISS that Mr Jurd inhabits. He must also think that rash on his ball-sack will disappear on its own soon enough.

But the clincher in the insane ravings of Mr Jurd? The very ACME of IDIOT?

Zero first grade premierships since 1986, but f*ck me dead AT LEAST THE JUNIORS ARE GOING ALRIGHT. Well f*cken hallelujah.

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Nothing In Life Is For Free.

I would like to combine and comment on the two most recent posts from ChovMan and Maca. Whilst I am happy that the good breeding folk of this wide brown crazy land won some money from the gubberment for having chilluns is that the smartest thing that Ruddy could have done?

I can see that the thousand will help the local smoke shop and the bottlo but will it kick along the economy? For a little while maybe but when the tank is dry everyone will be running back to the gubberment and saying "WELL YOU HELPED US BEFORE, YOU CAN HELP US AGAIN!!" It's irresponsible to just be handing out money like that. Set up some infrastructure projects and create some jobs with the money, don't give it out to everyone who is lucky enough to be able to breed. And considering the shallow and tepid water in the gene pool in some parts giving money away like that is stupid and will create more harm than good.

Greed is what caused this economic problem and greed will make the problem worse. Everyone needs to learn you need to SAVE MONEY and NOT LIVE ON CREDIT and that if you don't have foxtel, a big screen, choice clothes, some bling and a flash car YOU WILL BE OK!!!
This handout will only make the pain that is coming harder to handle. I am no expert but free money is NOT the answer.

And now a quick word from a REAL expert.

The next time I hear some moron use the word "expert" in any way, shape or form associated with "finance", "financial", "monetary", "fiscal", "economic", "pecuniary", "fiduciary" etc etc, I swear my f*cken ventricles will explode in rage.

Here is a free piece of wisdom for the World and everyone who lives in it:

If there were such beings as "financial experts" then we WOULDN'T HAVE A F*CKEN GLOBAL FINANCIAL "CRISIS" YOU F*CKWITS.

End of.

A Taste for Colon

This is a tasty choccy treat from Thailand.
I have eaten it.
It tastes good.

I like to eat Collon.
Collon is delicious.
Collon on my tongue is the best.


If it is so bad why does everyone keep doing it?

The cigars and champagne are at the ready at my humble abode with the birth of my first child imminent. Its an exciting time and from the moment my beloved told me that she was with child I have been a ball of eager anticipation. Its a great thing, the embodiment of a miracle, and one that I have had a direct hand in producing. Sure, I have had a hand in some other miracles (how the golden trio made it home after the last visit to "The 'quarie" without being arrested or having had a heart attack...that was a miracle) but this, this is something to truly marvel at.

But I am troubled my friends, troubled by the constant bad vibes and harshing of mellow from other parents who have nothing but bad things to say about parenthood and raising kidlets. Tales of dirty nappies, of vomit, of sleepless nights, of lack of freedom, of pain and unending suffering are being related to me at every angle as soon as people hear I am soon to be a dad.

I have to ask, is it really that bad? Surely not as I don't see the world in danger of under population any time soon. And these whingers and whiners aren't trying to trade in these, as one person described it to me, "screaming vomiting excrement machines" for a new TV are they. Everyone should be thankful that we live in a country where we can have healthy kidlets and bring these freakin MIRACLES (can I have a HALLELUJAH!!!!) into the world to enrich our lives.

I can't wait for the dirty nappies, the vomit, the excreta, the lack of sleep and the rest. Because the trade off for that is the greatest gift of all, your own spawn which you can mould to take over the world! That or just fetch beers for you. The choices are limitless.

I will keep you up to date with the arrival. Check the papers, it will surely be front page news.


I dont often like to express my political opinion, and even when I do it would rarely be an opinion which one would consider positive.

But as the naked guy holding the vaccum cleaner would say "Dont knock it until you've tried it"

So here goes...

I would like to thank the Australian Government for finally paying me for a job I have been doing for a while now. Making children. Kev's 'Economic Stimulus' package pays eligible parents a bonus of $1000 per child. As fate would have it, I am an eligible parent.

Go Maca, I hear you chant.

Go Maca indeed.

Its like winning a sex jackpot, nay, a sex trifecta (well thats if you have three little ones, if you have six thats like winning a sex sexfecta), and you didnt even know you had a ticket.

Fan-bloody-tastic Kev. I am a big fan of your work, this week.

Friday, 5 December 2008


I am sick of people who have something to say but dont say it. Actually no, not those people, I am sick of people who have something to say, dont say it, wait until their private little theories/ wishes/fantasies come true and THEN decide to sprout forth their magnificent opinion for us all to bask in their glory.

Here are some phrases I never want to hear again...

"I was going to say that but..."
"I was going to tell you bet on that horse but..."
"I almost told you not to..."

Screw your 'was' and 'almosts', shove them up your fucking clacker, grow some nads, give us your opinion when it is fucking appropriate or sit on it and fester like the rest of us.

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Rewarding failure. That’s the problem with the world! Life is supposed to be tough!!

Missives from the Heart Of Darkness....

They are talking about building a youth centre down the road from my humble abode, to which I am sure I don't need to tell you I am vehemently opposed, and the bloke in charge, Father Chris Riley was on the TV the other night complaining that young disadvantaged kids are racking up huge debts with the state government from fines from acts such as graffiti, feet on the seats on trains, not buying a train ticket etc, minor offences but offences that are fine worthy none the less.

A tip for Fr Riley…......


There are no fines issued for being a good citizen so these poor disadvantaged should look at trying THAT for a change.

When I get the cannon I have been bugging my three lettered one for he will be one of the first people shot out of it into outer space where his ridiculous ideas won't bother me.

Impromptu concert stuns fan, scares children

Iconic karaoke champion Michael 'Maca' McDonald entertained a local Canberra Christmas party crowd recently with an impromptu concert. Maca belted out some old favourites such as Marvin Gaye's 'Heard it Through the Grapevine' and The Jackson Five's 'I Want You Back' before working some more recent tunes into his set for the younger crowd.

As this photo shows Maca put everything into his performance despite recovering from recent surgery.

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

How Many Years To Learn The Freaking Obvious?????

All right.

So I was severely berated by persons who will remain nameless for not getting on here and throwing my hat in the ring and saying in a loud and steady voice, "Oi Captain!! I am ready!!" so here I am to commence spouting forth opinions, ideas and theories that will make you think and hopefully change the way the world appears before you.

(I am new at this and throw myself at the mercy of the court and ask for their forgiveness and hope they will give me some time for me to really open up and spew forth truth and opinions of fact)

I want to start off with something that has bothered me for some time, and that is the medical profession.

I recently had cause to attend a medical practitioner. Just for a check up mind you, nothing too serious. As your potential head of state it is important to me that I remain in peak physical condition ready to leap into action should, hang on, let me rephrase that, WHEN I am called into action.

I wont mince my words here, I am a big guy. Not that big. I am not bed bound, not living in a house with extra wide doors, not booking two seats when I fly or shopping at specialty stores just yet. I am a healthy red meat eating beer and rum drinking bloke. Sure I could lose a few kegs but like Samson and his locks, I am worried about losing my incredible strength.

So I rock up, tell the mostly disinterested receptionist I have arrived and am ushered into the room to meet the doc. Chit chat is made, measurements and blood taken. He says I am OK but should cut back on the drinking, lose some weight and steer well clear of the gaspers.

I was dumbfounded, genuinely speechless.

This wasn't the first time the "learned" professional that ids the local quack has given me this advice. In fact I have heard that little gem each and every time I have been to see him. How many years at uni do these dolts have to do to tell me something I already know all too well? I would like, just for a change, him to tell me "Keep up the bacon and beer, you look great!!" Don't tell me the bleeding obvious, tell me something new. Idiot.

I passed the physical and got out of there before any of his university stupid rubbed off on me.

Saturday, 29 November 2008

Mr Fella Must Hang by King Crack

Oh me oh my, what is going on here. I would like to thank my learned colleague Chov for not only opening this blog for the betterment of mankind and kicking us off here. But seriously, how can you defend a man named Mr Fella.

I will be brief.

Is the name even real? Why not call him Mr Bloke, or Mr Man. Mr Fella just sounds like something made up as you sign your name onto a register as you enter a leagues club (and then try and destroy the machine when you have finished signing, but that's a story for another time).

This Fella may be a man from simpler times and I am all for that. Simpler times when asbestos was good for everything, your local quack smoked more than anyone and you could ride your malvern star without your melon encumbered with a ice cream container AND you could enjoy a Mars bar without any guilt.

But he over stepped the line of decency and good sense when he decided that 10 a day was OK. And listen carefully here. You might want to go and grab a pen and paper because what I am about to say is important and I am sure will come up again and again through time-- I have not one ounce of sympathy for anyone who blames their actions on another substance. If you knew the smack, the beer, the ice or in this case, and excuse if I laugh here..THE SUGAR was messing with your head and the way you act in public then STOP!!

And he claims she wasn't making an effort? She not the one scoffing TEN MARS BARS A DAY!!!! I think the lack of effort is more from the lardy Mr Fella.

As I said at the start, I will be brief and I was.

Friday, 28 November 2008

An Impassioned Defence Of Mr Fella by The Chov

"Your honour, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, distinguished guests, bored journos on the Law Courts beat, Bonzo The Clown over there in the corner..."

"I believe that you simply MUST find my client, the honourable Mr Fella, (short for Fellater), completely and utterly INNOCENT of all charges laid against him."

"During the course of this trial, you must agree that we have demonstrated, beyond a reasonable doubt, that my client has had his good reputation BESMIRCHED WITHOUT BASIS."

"For example, he has been HEINOUSLY and SURREPTITIOUSLY portrayed as an "angry man"!"

"Mr Fella, allow me to assure you, is simply a man from simpler times - when MEN were MEN and BITCHES were BITCHES. You cannot hang this man simply for not being a S.N.A.G!! He is a MAN, a MAN of MANLY NEEDS!"

"Indeed, I repeat - MANLY NEEDS!"

"Such as being able to appreciate the unencumbered female form of his true love! He pleaded, he begged, he mowed the lawns for a week, he bought flowers, he washed the dishes, he even STOPPED FARTING IN THE LOUNGEROOM.....and what was his reward for this effort?"

"He was STONEWALLED in his SIMPLE REQUEST for a bit of simple THONG-BASED ACTION! I ask you! Where is the JUSTICE!?"

"Not only that, but she DELIBERATELY sought to AGITATE my client by going OUT OF HER WAY to wear a pair of BEDSHEETS stitched together as hew underwear of choice. Unmentionable indeed. Can you reasonably conclude that Mr Fella deserved such mental and physical ABUSE?"

"My client, I admit, is no angel. It has been accepted that he is, in fact, a junkie. And the monkey on his back is none other than the White Lady herself - sugar. Yes that's right, sugar-crystal meth. That sweet seductress."

"Who among you has been able to resist the sweet sweet temptation of the Mars Bar? That scourge of families and ordinary people everywhere - loving husbands and wives one day, vacant-eyed desperate ADDICTS the next! And this stuff is LEGAL!?"

"My client is ashamed to admit he STOLE FROM CHILDREN, FROM OLD PEOPLE, FROM HIS OWN MOTHER EVEN - just to support his 10-Mars Bar-a-day habit! He tried - oh how he tried! - to beat his addiction! He tried booze, smokes, crack, blow, horse and endless sex with hookers - but none of these vices held the cold, calculating allure of the creamy, caramel filled chocolate bars named after the God of War!"

"Who are you to judge him? Hasn't he suffered enough at the hands of his cruel chocolaty mistress? Unable to escape her deadly charms?"

"Yes, it is true he accidentally BIT his partner."

"But we demonstrated that SHE KNEW of his addiction, and indeed OUGHT TO HAVE KNOWN to REMOVE HER FINGERS whilst FEEDING HIM the FINAL BITE!"

"We showed, through DNA TESTING, that the chocolate on her fingers and clothing MATCHED THAT OF THE MARS BAR FOUND AT THE SCENE."

"She was not at a TUPPERWARE PARTY - as she and her legal counsel have claimed!"

"I put it to you, that she was FEEDING HIS ADDICTION to stop him FROM LEAVING HER - a cold-hearted MANIPULATION of a DEFENCELESS ADDICT!"

"And yes, it may be true that my client also struck his partner in the face with rope."

"But what the prosecution FAILED TO DIVULGE was the fact that my client was also DRESSED ENTIRELY AS INDIANA JONES AT THE TIME."

"Of course, yes, your honour, I can wait for the commotion in the courtroom to die down...."

"Yes indeed. What began as a simply a bit of SEXY DRESS UP TIME, at the REQUEST OF MR FELLA'S PARTNER I MIGHT ADD, quickly and unfortunately went awry as Mr Fella stumbled whilst turning away from the CD player (where he had pressed PLAY to commence the Indiana Jones Theme) and attempted to execute a 'sexy whip crack' whilst wearing his assless leather chaps."

"It could have happened to anybody..."

"So, in conclusion, I ask you to find it in your hearts, members of the jury, dancing monkeys and a homeless man sleeping on the seat up the back - to acquit my client. Find that sympathy in your hearts."


The Strange Case of Mr Fella

"A MAN who says he eats 10 Mars bars a day has claimed a lack of sugar prompted him to attack his girlfriend when she wore big, Bridget Jones-style knickers instead of a G-string, a British court has heard.

Marco Fella, 38, from Callington, Cornwall, told Bodmin Magistrates Court his addiction to sugar was to blame for his behaviour, Britain's The Daily Telegraph reported.

Fella, who had been living with his 34-year-old girlfriend for a year, attacked her twice in 10 days.

The court heard that he hit her in the face with a rope and then bit her finger.

Fella admitted two common assaults and his sentencing was adjourned for probation reports.

Prosecutor Janet Furlonger said Fella bit the woman's finger during an argument which started because he wanted her to wear a G-string and she had put on "large pants".

Ms Furlonger said Fella hit her in the face with the rope a few days earlier in another row.

Martin Pearce, defending, said Fella had an addiction to sugar which led him to eat 10 Mars bars a day.

Fella became aggressive if he did not get enough sugar but he had now started an anger management course.

"My client's temper snapped because he felt his partner was not making enough effort in the relationship but he is now deeply sorry for his actions," Mr Pearce said.

Bridget Jones, the main character in hit films based on books by British author Helen Fielding, is famous for her penchant for large knickers."