Tuesday, 31 May 2011

More False Advertising

A picture taken over the weekend of what apparently now passes for kangaroos in the modern age...I blame global warming.

I was away last weekend, and visited a lovely little village called Kangaroo Valley. My two and a half year old was beside herself with glee at the thought of heading to a town called Kangaroo Valley.

But woe how disappointed she was at the end of the trip.

In a blatant and shameless act of false advertising no one kangaroo was seen. Not one! There was a bloated wombat laying by the side of the road, having a very long rest but no kangaroos. Plenty of cows, but kangaroos? Nada!

I will be speaking with the local tourist authorities on my little ones behalf and demanding a name change to the village post haste. A simple 'No' in the front should see things straight.

They Are Stealing My Thoughts!

NSW coach Ricky Stuart's new right hand man for Origin 2

Ricky Stuart, NSW coach, now wants to discuss the refereeing in Origin with Bill Harrigan because he feels a duty to “everyone in the state”.

Thanks Ricky for standing up for us. It will save me a phone call.

Is the bloke serious? He really needs to think about what he is saying before he opens his pie hole sometimes. Ricky has a long history of blaming everyone but himself for lack of talent and success in the modern game, and true to form he is blaming the refs for a few bad calls in Origin One for the loss. Spare me days! The team was outplayed on the park on the night! The conspiracy theory world that Ricky lives in has everyone against everything he does, led by the NSW Referees Association, or who Ricky calls The Illuminati.

But Ricky, mate, please don't stop. Your rantings are entertainment gold. I look forward to your next spray after Origin Two and do us a favour and try and give the pie sellers a mention in your next excuse for the teams failings. I know they would love a showing.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

How Could He Have Gotten It Wrong???

What a disappointment, and what a hectic few days it has been.

I walked out of the offices of Vandalay Industries on Friday afternoon in a blaze of glory and smelling of smoke after I set the office ablaze, yelling insults and vulgarities at everyone I passed on the way out and leaving a small token of appreciation on the bonnet of the bosses car.

When I arose on Saturday morning I went to the Seebach Room, settled into my favorite chair with a beer and awaited the rapture. And waited, and waited. I had a few beers to pass the time and lo I was so excited I became very tired and slept through the 6pm deadline.

But when I awoke Sunday morning I was as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market. Everything looked the same! There was no Rapture. And boy, was there was some explaining to be done when I returned to work.

What happened Harry? Did the Lord look down and decide that no-one was worthy, did he cast his eyes down upon high and say, bah, I don't want those idiots up here with me? I could understand if he did, just a quick troll through the pages of this illustrious blog will show you that there are a heap of idiots here. Or were you just wrong, and delusional, and making huge amounts of cashola from the whole venture.

My trust in modern religion has been sorely tested, but I will be back front and centre when the next nut job says "Follow me! We are setting the controls for the heart of the sun! Redemption awaits! Just bring cash!!" I'm a sucker for a bit of religious lunacy.

Friday, 20 May 2011

Well, It's Been Fun.

This will be the last post here on this illustrious blog, as I have just had some shocking and upsetting news cross my desk. I am still reeling at the news and am very surprised that it isnt being covered by the mainstream media.

The end of the world is nigh.

In fact the end of the world starts tomorrow.

The Family Radio Christian Network, in particular, this bloke

the esteemed and not at all delusional Harold Camping reckons The Rapture starts tomorrow, which means that all the people that God likes get called up to heaven. Naturally I will be skyward bound having done so much good throughout my life, and am in a constant state of repentfulness for any indiscretions I may have done.

So what else is there to say? It's been fun, and hopefully we will be sipping beer at the Heaven Hotel with the big JC and his crew soon.

And to those naysayers who say that they have heard all this doomsday BS before, in particular:
1844 when Will Miller predicted Christ would return between March 21, 1843 and March 21, 1914, 1918, 1925, 1942 when the Jehovah's Witnesses said we were done for
1981 when Chuck Smith predicted that Jesus would probably return by 1981. Probably
1988 when Edgar C. Whisenaut published 88 Reasons why the Rapture is in 1988 and 1989 when Eddie was back again when he published The Final Shout: Rapture report 1989. More predictions by this author appeared for 1992, 1995, and other years. He is didnt get it right and gave up after that.
1992 when those crazy Koreans can out with "Mission for the Coming Days" predicted October 28, 1992 as the date for the rapture.
and 1994 when Pastor John Hinkle of Christ Church in Los Angeles predicted June 9, 1994.

I say phooey. Look at Harry. He wouldnt lie to you.

Sure Harry already had a shot at this and predicted September 6, 1994 but his calcs were out a bit, and this time he counted not only on his fingers but on his toes as well so it's a cert this time, THIS TIME FOR SURE!

Wednesday, 18 May 2011


This man is a fool.

Don't let his dull doe eyed appearance fool you. He is as dangerous as any man ever to besmirch this great land.

He wants to get rid of the coal industry, a brave and very silly call, but when asked how he will replace the millions that the government earns every year from that industry what does he propose? By increasing the tax on the industry he has just closed down.

Here is another buffoon.

Mr Combet said the Government would decide a carbon price by early July.

But he said: "Whatever the starting price, from the Government's stand point, it's going to be well south of $40 a tonne." Mr Combet said, whatever the price, there would be "generous household assistance" to help households cope.

So he will take with one hand and hand out with the other? Just don't tax us in the first place! IDIOT!

There is something seriously wrong when idiots like these are in charge, and people listen to them.

No wonder Toddles drinks so much.

Friday, 6 May 2011

Can someone get this kid an AVO?

I love this picture, from today's Rag.

Piggy Riddell, noted drinker and diet dodger arm around Toddles, recovering alcomaholic, who is on his very-last-no-more-chances-this-time-we-are-serious-by-gum chance. Can you imagine the conversation? Would they be discussing set plays? New positional changes? New ways to lace up the Gilbert's?

"Well done mate, you beat them again."
"Piggy, it's easy. You just say sorry, promise never to do it again, spend some time with Davey Gallop, maybe pump out a tear or two saying how troubled you are and she's apples!"
"Geez mate, you have this caper sewn up. Maybe I'll give Timmy Smith a call. Might work for him."
"Listen, He could rob a nun, and I guarantee I could get him off the charge."

Don't laugh. It is closer to the truth than you imagine.

Thursday, 5 May 2011

From this mornings SMH

Matt Orford and car, in happier times.

Raiders 'boofhead' vandalises Orford's car
Mike Oxwollen
May 5, 2011
Having already been buggered with a Steeden, hung by his jocks from the southern goal posts, and been the 'central participant' in a recent club bun, Matt Orford's rough initiation to Canberra has hit a new low, with a frustrated fan vandalising the star halfback's high-priced Audi.
Witnesses reported a semi naked person dressed only in a Raiders jersey attacked the former Dally M Medallist's car with a meat safe in the Canberra Stadium car park in an ugly aftermath to last Sunday's soul destroying and humiliating 49-12 loss to the Wests Tigers. The gender of the offender could not be ascertained.
Raiders' ball-boys, cheerleaders and the players' life partners and families, officials, pie sellers and the bloke who sells the programs were also subject to verbal abuse after the shellacking.
It was Canberra's seventh straight defeat and left the club pinned at the bottom of the NRL ladder gasping for air in a season that will see them lucky to win a school fete raffle.
Orford's vehicle - dirty lucre as it was included as part of a third-party deal - was parked in the section of the car park reserved for players.
Raiders chairman John McIntyre was absolutely appalled by the incident.
''I'm absolutely appalled by the incident,'' McIntyre said.
Orford was crying too hard to comment.
Raiders chief executive Don Furner told ABC Radio he was embarrassed to be a Canberran.
''I'm embarrassed to be a Canberran,'' Furner said, "but not for the usual reasons, this is a fresh coat of shame I have to wear."
‘‘I would hope that our fans wouldn’t go vandalising somebody’s car after a game, but they have. They are idiots. I blame Toddles’’
Furner continued. ‘‘It is gutless. Apart from the fact it’s not very brave, it is a crime to go around vandalising things.’’ reminding all that the outlawing of vandalisming was part of the massive overhaul of Canberra laws that included the banning of fireworks, the banning of the Melbourne Cup public holiday and the banning of the right to be intimate with an animal.
Raiders players were also heckled by their own families and coaching staff after they completed their pre-game warm-ups.
"It is conditioning for the treatment they will receive for the remainder of the season" coach 'Little Don' Furner said. "We go from verbal abuse to an hour of having bottles thrown at them. No point running drills, these blokes are hopeless!"


Chris Sandow, average footballer, terrible swimmer.

Another smashed window, another note tied to a brick and another missive from the one they call The Chov, who I think is a bit upset that his beloved Eels have signed Chris Sandow.....

No i can’t take it any more i have to burst i must vent I mean seriously WTF!? $550k a year!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! For this Sandow peanut!?!? Geezus, what would a good halfback be worth!? You know, like one that actually plays for a good team in the top 8? Or one who actually wins more games than it loses? Or heavens above actually wins grand finals? Or a half who plays rep footy?! He’s not even a speed bump in defence my friends, because even speed bumps occasionally slow down the odd driver, this pinhead can’t f***ing tackle to save his life! He can’t control a game, he is a one trick pony playing a bit of touch footy to break the line every now and then and THAT’S IT!? And you get paid $550k a year for THAT!??? Can he take control like a Lockyer, or a Cronk, or even a Scott Prince? F*** NO! And you know how hard I am trying to avoid the obvious reasons I dislike him and you know what that is and it has to do with the general profile of Souths as a club but let’s not go there no this is worse than Orford at least that pinhead somehow won a grand final I only just said to my Dad the other week, we were watching Dragons vs Souths and laughing at how putrid Sandow is and I said “no team with Sandow at half will EVER win a grand final” and now look where that has got me my friends look at what I have done WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY and you know my lovely wife only just bought me a new Eels jersey for my birthday this year and now I won’t even wear it as my “mow the lawn” top i want to smash something in fact i want to smash many things starting with chris sandow’s ape-like face

Just as I was catching my breath, this-

No no no I’m not finished yet I can’t let it go yet Chris Sandow, I say the name again CHRIS SANDOW
This makes Mick Appleby look like the greatest signing in the history of rugby league
And not only that, but what do people f***ing think that the Eels are going to ‘rebuild’??!!??
With what money!!?
Think of how much salary cap is now eaten up between the contracts of Hayne and Sandow and let’s not forget how much we paid Mortimer on his last contract to stop the Bulldogs poaching him
Sweet geezus Christ we have just flushed the next 5 years down the toilet
Kearney the moron talks about watching Eels juniors playing for other teams
Well what does he think is going to happen now? We’re broke, so we’re going to rely on juniors coming through
And then when they get good, how are we going to re-sign them? With what, scotch f***ing mist in a jar? So we get to keep CHRIS F***ING SANDOW and those same juniors are going to go and play for Manly and C*nterbury and Souths.

WHHHHOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! What a spray!

I don't know where he sends his missives from, but I am sure it is a very angry place.