Friday, 27 February 2009

Gallen----Footy Hurts!!!

Photo of Paul Gallen relaxing on the NSW South Coast during the 2008/2009 off season.



FACING six weeks out with injury, Cronulla's world champion whinging dog Paul Gallen has called for all NRL trial games to be banned, because he got hurt, the poor diddums.

Gallen will learn today if a twinge in his knee is in fact a serious knee injury as he is telling everyone. The news it was a serious injury was surprising as no-one knew he was a doctor until now.


Teammates Maitua (ankle), Tupou (neck) and Jacob Selmes (collarbone) also collected injuries during the trial match. This reporter thinks they should collect something safer, like stamps or shells. Injuries are a bad hobby to get onto collecting.

Maitua, like Gallen, will have scans today but could be out for up to 12 weeks or maybe forever, or maybe a week, we don't know, but 12 weeks sounds good.

Gallen super duper hyper extended his knee and is looking at a recovery of between two and six weeks, with Curranulla's forward depth already stretched after losing Greg "I'm so hard I glass girls" Bird and Fraser "Mr $400,000" Anderson.

"Personally I would like it (trial matches banned)," Gallen sobbed yesterday. "I think if everyone agrees to it, it would save injuries and everyone would be on the same level. In 2002, I did an ankle in trials, in '04 I hurt my hamstring. In '06 it was my back and in '07 I injured my ankle and missed nine games. Sounds like you are crap Gallen and are not ready for the season!
"It probably sounds like I'm whingeing NOOOOOO!!!! Reeeeeeeeeallyy???? and I know there are games like the Charity Shield, but trial games can give clubs a heap of injuries. As opposed to regular season games where you run through injury free Everyone holds their breath in trial games. Maybe you should try and breathe more, maybe you wouldn't get injured so much

Trial matches should be banned but would that reduce the risk of injury? Not bloody likely. It would only push the injuries into the first few rounds WHERE THE WEAK WOULD BE ELIMINATED!! This is Darwinism in effect. This is where the blokes who are not ready for contact sports are eliminated and taken out before the season proper begins.
It was great to see Gallens own coach, Tricky Stuart, contradict him and say that "... trials are a necessary evil." Speak to your coach about your complaint Gallen so you don't look like a uninformed brain dead invertebrate when you sob to the media, hang on, there is NOTHING you could do to not come off as anuninformed brain dead invertebrate!!
Roosters coach Brad Fittler said trials "serve a purpose" while Bulldogs coach Kevin Moore said injuries simply happen in rugby league.
It is nice to know that the Bulldogs might actually have someone with half a brain on board this year.

Reporter--Mike Oxwollen


NRL News: Toddles Carney

Part of the service offered here at the Sanctum is the news, the real news, the news you won't find anywhere else. We have sources, contacts and reporters stationed at all points of the world ready to send it the straight dope, uncensored and unaltered.


With the NRL season soon to begin we take this story from our sports correspondent deep in the bowels of NRL HQ


WHY CAN"T I PLAY???


BANNED public urinator Toddles Carney yesterday walked into the NRL and offered David Gallop oral pleasure for life if he let him play again in 2009, but was sent away crying like a baby.
With his manager Delusional David Riolo, Carney held a one-hour meeting with the NRL chief vazhin about the possibility of the former Canberra halfback playing again.
But for the first time in his career, and surprising everyone and even himself, Gallop did not back down telling the troubled player any contract would not be registered.
Riolo claimed Carney should be given a "second chance, or maybe even a third, fourth or fifth chance, even I have lost count", despite a series of off-field peccadilloes.
Sacked by Canberra last year, Carney could not get a visa to play in the UK due to the incredibly difficult paperwork and effort required and faces 2009 stuck in Goulburn Workers. "Why shouldn't he be allowed to play?" Riolo said.
"He has paid a hefty price in public embarrassment. How long can we kick someone when they are down? Sure he has a wrap sheet, haven’t we all.”
Delusional Dave also wants a contract for Bilal Skaf and Ivan Milat to line up for season 2009 in some capacity.
"Toddles has lost hundreds of thousands of dollars at the TAB and pub and been picked on in the press and by the influential and mysterious think tank known as The Golden Trio. He cries himself to sleep, he has worn out his last two teddy bears, it’s a sad state of affairs.”
"He has gone through a tough time, which through no fault of his own he has brought on himself. But Toddy would like to get his life back on track, be able to pay off his Liquorland account, renew his Goulburn Workers membership and we hope Canberra support that."
Canberra chairman John McIntyre said his club would not budge and give Carney a clearance.
"We are firm on this – Todd can root a boot. If he can’t play with us, he will play with no-one and we expect the NRL to back us," McIntyre said.
Gallop said he listened to Riolo but had not altered his view.
"From our point of view nothing has changed," Gallop said. Asked if the NRL would still ban Carney if a club asked for his services, Gallop yet again showed his true colors and said: "Maybe, maybe not. Sometimes punishment has to be tough. But I might change my mind again yet, it’s what I do. And oral pleasure for life is a pretty good offer"
From our man on the scene--------Mike Oxwollen



Never mind Toddles, there is always your current driving job to fall back on......

Thursday, 26 February 2009

The Golden Trio Prediction List or Eat $hit Nostradamus Part Two

I would first like to thank my learned colleague for reminding us of something we said we would do back in December but have wisely waited until March to do.

I know I have personally fielded many calls from frantic folk asking me "Crack, where are your predictions? I cant wait for events to occur, tell me whats going to happen now!!"

And whilst I mean no disrespect to my canine racing campadre, his predictions are rubbish. So get Centerbet on the blower, get to the pub to lay on the bets, because here is whats going to happen in 2009.

  • Dead: Kev "Super Kev: Chairman Mao Zerudd" Rudd (and to any secret service types out there, and I know you are watching, I am in no way wishing ill on our illustrious if not delusional leader). Well he won't actually die, he will fake his own death when he runs out of money to throw away and live incognito in a small South American hillside town supplementing his income as a song and dance man named Hardwood Panel.
    Bert Newton however will die, poisoned by his own hair hat glue.
  • NRL Winner: The mighty West Tigers. With that boat anchor they have been carrying for many years and ex captain (aka Hodgo) gone, the Tiges can finally rise above all. Benji Marshall is now 85% titanium so his injury concerns are a thing of the past and Keith "Mad Bloodnut" Galloway is on double the angry pills he was on last year. He is like a bunger looking for a letterbox, fuse lit and ready to explode!!
  • NRL Wooden Spooner: Coming from the "Emerald City" also known as Sid-in-ee I have to say Canberra. It's in our constitution. But I think that North Queensland will struggle this year, not only to win games but to actually turn up due to the continued flooding in the north of the state.
  • Expected Headline: While The Rag has already amazed and astounded with some great reportage (yesterdays "Sharks In The Harbour!" was genius; next week I hope to see "Gravity:Makes Sh_t Fall Down!") I look forward to seeing "King Crack Takes Over! People Rejoice And Cheer 'About Time!!'" sometime around November.
  • Unexpected Headline: 'Bindi Irwin: Not from Outer Space As First Thought!'

I can give you more but I think there should be some surprises right? And I know you want me to use my powers to help you win lotto so, for our loyal readers (Hi Dad!!) I will leave you with this lotto prediction.

22, 4, 39, 43, 1 and 19 supps 32 and 3

will be numbers that will roll up in lotto draw at some stage through the year. (numbers may not fall in the same draw together or on the same week or any combination thereof)

Punt high and follow on!!

The Golden Trio Prediction List or Eat $hit Nostradamus

Its that time of year well akually its passt that time of year that the Golden Trio will bless the public with their predelictions for 2009

But Maca I here you ask its nearly March

Yes it is my punctual freind but thats how awesum the trio is. we dont need a full year

So without further ado and wiff no need for Huh Jackman to sing about it I presant to you Maca's predelictions...





  1. Dead: Patrick Swayzee is to eezy I am goin out on a lim and saying Madonna
  2. NRL Winner: Dragens
  3. NRL Wooden Spooner: Penriff
  4. Expected Headline: 'Rudd Rolls Out Next Stimyoulis Pakage, $10,000 for everyone with a name'
  5. Unexpected Headline: 'Beer Companyies anounce huge profit, slash price of all beer'

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

You Are Not Impressing Anyone You Fairy

I have to get serious for a minute…

I had reason to visit one of Sydney’s larger hospitals on Monday night to visit a family member who had taken a turn. When we were at the hospital there were police and TV cameras everywhere, as there had been yet another shooting in Sydney. The bloke who was shot--who was in good spirits and being escorted through emergency with two cops and was attended to straight away while we waited for someone to come and speak with us--had all his mates hanging around out the front. Them on one side and the cops on the other, both sides watching each other. All these wannabe tough guys, all these posers, all these W@NKERS should learn that if you keep your nose clean, keep to yourself and live a good clean life you won't get shot, won't be hassled by the police, won't have society looking down their nose at you. They made me furious. Standing around blocking entrances, posing and posturing for the cameras, eyeballing the police, who are they kidding? Why would you want to be a despised wombat all your life? Did they think that by trying to intimidate everyone around they were going to prove anything? I am no tough guy but I am not going to be intimidated by such weak willed, spineless, cowardly pathetic excuses for life.

Guns don’t make you tough you idiots. Intimidating people with your tattoos and nasty stares don’t make you tough either. Getting on with life through good times and bad and dealing with adverse situations that life throws up makes you tough.

It's a shame for them and society at large that they don’t understand this.

Monday, 23 February 2009

Things we never could have seen coming...

I am SHOCKED by the following headline from this morning's Daily Rag newspaper...

"Ryles may miss Super League season"
"FORMER St George Illawarra prop Jason Ryles could miss the remainder of the Super League season after suffering a shoulder injury in his Catalans Dragons debut."

How can this be?

What’s next? An equally shocking headline like...


"Pope a suspected Catholic"

As Rex Mossop would say...."spare me days..."...

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

And One More Thing


And might I add that the rules as listed below are so good, they go to eleven. Other rules go to ten but these ones go to eleven, a sure sign of excellence in anyones book.

A Timely Reminder

I fished this off Wikipedia yesterday to remind myself of the rules prior to the Prestige Worldwide organised extravaganza that is coming up on the 28th. It’s a timely reminder for all of us.

Cracksberry rules for the sport of drinking.
This code of rules superseded the Revised London Prize Drinking rules (1853), which had themselves replaced the original London Prize Drinking rules (1743) written by Mike Oxwollen. This version persuaded drinkers that "you must not drink simply for fun; no holds barred is not the way; you must win by the rules" (17, sect. 5, pt. 1).
Rules
1. To be a fair stand-up (or sit down) drink must occur in a pub, hotel, loungeroom, backyard etc, in other words some where conducive to happy times.
2. No hugging or effeminate gesturing allowed.
3. The rounds to be of one drink each and no more than fifteen minute's time between rounds.
4. If either man falls through weakness or otherwise, he must get up unassisted, 10 seconds to be allowed him to do so, the other man meanwhile to remain in position ready to assist, and when the fallen man is on his legs the round is to be resumed and continued. If one man fails to get up in the 10 seconds allowed, the other man must help his fallen mate.
5. A man hanging onto the bar or table in a helpless state shall be considered finished for the evening.
6. No seconds or any other person to be allowed to sup anyone elses drink during the round.
7. Should the contest be stopped by any unavoidable interference, the participants are to name the time and place as soon as possible for finishing the drink; so that the shout must be completed, unless the wives or girlfriends of both men agree that it is unsafe to continue and revoke leave passes.
8. The drinks are to be fair-sized and of the best quality affordable at the time.
9. Should a drink be spilt, dropped, or misplaced, questions of the participants’ manhood will be raised.
10. A man on one knee is considered down and in dire need for a steak or kebab.
11. No shoes or boots with springs allowed. Or rocket boots.




And beer, it's good for everyone, as this ad shows

ARE WE LIVING IN OPPOSITE LAND and other stuff...

The news of my esteemed colleague Craig 'Half Digits' Nash, is off to watch a Pink concert has shocked some (not me, I always knew he was a bit 'that way'), but not quite as shocking as my next statement.

Michael McDonald, maker of babies, lover of ladies and drinker of beer and rum, is going to watch a game of AFL.

Shocking isnt it. But now its out there I feel better.

Technically I am going as a Teacher, well pretending to be a teacher as a representative of the school. I believe there will be some drinks and food involved and maybe a talk from some tosser about promoting AFL in the school. I plan to be drunk by the speech.

Whilst I am on the blog (and because I am too lazy to start a new post) here are some things that are on my goat right now;
  1. People who use their fingers to signal quotation marks, you know the people who speak and find it necessary to emphasise certain words by sticking their digits up near their ears and looking like a total tool. Stop it you "look" like a "fu(kwit".
  2. The friend of mine, who shall remain nameless in the 1 in 16,000,000,000,000 chance that he reads this Blog, who starts most conversations with "Can I be honest with you?". Is that a question that needs to be asked? Does that mean everything you said previously was a lie?
  3. To the w@nker whose wallet I found last week. Have you ever heard of the turn 'REWARD'????? Your wallet had a Gold Visa, American Express Card and some other credit card, a drivers licence, a maritime licence, and an TV station ID, PLUS a wad of $50 notes. Try cancelling those cards and getting those licences reissued, see how much that costs you chump and then get back to me with one of those neatly pressed pineapples. And before all of you whining bleeding heart p00fs get on my case about helping your fellow man out and 'your reward should be that it will make you feel good' BS, I am here to tell you that it did not make me feel good, $50 would have made me feel good.

Thats better.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

The First Ever Official Sanctum Spot the Difference Competition!

We're big on audience involvement here at the Sanctum.

That's why we've decided to hold a competition for our ones of readers!

There might even be a prize (if we can be bothered, which isn't likely, but don't let that put you off).

Can you spot TEN DIFFERENCES between picture A and picture B below?


Picture A - A Mitsubishi Triton (His Royal Highness King Cracka may have broken his pinky whilst hurling a Triton and killing a man with it recently)

Picture B - A trident, King Neptune's weapon of choice, and a remarkably good Scrabble score if King Cracka has the letters to spell it out.



Call our competition phone-in line 1800 CRACKSMART with your entries!!

Sunday, 15 February 2009

Smoted




God has smote me for being stupid. I have broken a knuckle on my right hand, on my pinkie finger, as the accompanying x-ray shows (not very well).

And it hurts!

Thursday, 12 February 2009

THE MAN REGISTER


There are many things I would like to change and some things I would like to institute when my coronation as your king and ruler comes about, which surely cannot be too far away. The four day working week, the abolition of inane media reporting, institution of sensible haircuts and clothing for the youth… but last night I thought of something else. It hit me like a freight train, and it would improve the mental well being and happiness of the nation.

A government backed MAN REGISTER (patent pending, patent pending).

The MAN REGISTER would only be open to men, obviously, and would be a service funded through the treasury where you would register important dates with the MAN REGISTER such as birthdays and important anniversaries (which is all of them apparently, but more on that later). On the day before the important date you would receive a call, a reminder of the important event coming up. Additionally, for a nominal subscription fee, the MAN REGISTER would also be able to provide a gift on the day, delivered to your door just before you arrive home from another day at the coal face, so you are prepared when you walk in the door to meet your beloved.

“A MAN REGISTER! Another great idea Crack!” I hear you say, “How do you come up with these tops ideas?” Well my very good friends, most of my ideas are garnered through experience and as was with this idea, pain.

Three years ago yesterday was the day I first went out on a date with my three lettered one. Three years later we are happily married, in a nice house, with a nice house, with a great dog and with our new bundle of joy, Jaeda The Jungle Girl, all of which was placed in peril at approximately 5.45pm when I returned from a particularly trying day at work, in a particularly testy mood, and with no card, flowers, chocolate or present to commemorate the big third anniversary. I won't go into too much detail here, but I will say that I will never forget that date again, nor do I think will I ever taste anything from the box of Darrell Lee’s finest that my three lettered one bought for me.

First date anniversaries. As important as wedding anniversaries apparently.

Thursday, 5 February 2009

Brilliant Return To Form

My heart was gladdened to see that our good friend Maca is back. I was concerned that his recent forays into the world of greyhounds may have seen him hiding out for a while due to a bad debt. But lo he has returned!

And what a striking return to form. I have it on good authority the team from Backyard Blitz—and in particular Scott Cam—is presently running around paying off with cash or favours all and sundry, so scared are they of the new kid on the landscaping block, Maca. His revolutionary way of laying pavers using plastic tools is sure to revolutionise the gardening world.

And that hair cut! The Budgie should be allowed to finish school early and get herself straight to the hairdressing classroom at the local TAFE, not as a student but as an INSTRUCTOR. Everyone should have a haircut like that (Cal, are you listening...).

But I was a little saddened to see that our pants dodging, drum playing, feline loving mate is still wearing the same shirt he wore to the karaoke appearance from last year. Maca, take it off, have a tub. That shirt is DONE.

I look forward to more posts from this Australian hero.

Monday, 2 February 2009

No Turning Back--HEADING FOR THE PINK!!!


My three lettered one, bless 'er, has bought the tickets for Pink. I asked her to take care of this onerous task in the hope that we would miss out. But she proved me wrong and I am Pink bound.

Even better she has bought tickets on the dance floor.... so that, in her words......"We can have a dance".

I am sure you can feel the dread that is running through my veins from wherever you are.

Maybe I should look at this as a social experiment, seeing how the other half--those that may wear a Motorhead shirt but have never listened to Lemmy--entertain themselves. I am hoping that there will be a few other blokes there who are also chaperoning their beloved ones to have a beer with.

I will keep you informed.