Monday, 21 May 2012

Come Up And See Me Sometime

I don't think much of the current crop of pollies but one I do like is Bill Heffernan, the Junee wool classer who chanced upon a seat in parliament.

Old Bill is in a spot of bother at the moment and I think that the media has it all wrong.  And as usual, I am here to set the record straight.

This is the story as reported over the weekend:
"The Rag tabloids reported today that Senator Heffernan allegedly hit senior Liberal staffer Ray Carter and abused him for being homosexual at a meeting of the NSW Liberal Party State Executive.
Mr Carter is understood to have made a statutory declaration detailing the incident on May 3 at the Breakers Country Club in Terrigal on the NSW Central Coast and wants serious action taken against Senator Heffernan.
It is alleged that during the meeting Senator Heffernan struck Mr Carter so hard he was knocked off balance. Later, when Mr Carter was alone, Senator Heffernan is alleged to have quietly said to him: "I didn't know you were a poofter."

Where's the problem?  Two blokes have a disagreement, the bigger of the two shoves the smaller one, verbal jousting commences.  It's a normal Thursday night at any pub in Australia.  But the problem is that Mr Carter is claiming he was the victim of a hate crime and abused because of his choice of bed fellow.
Mr Carter, poor Mr Carter.  If you had red hair and Bill called you 'ranga would you cry?  If he had called you fatty-boombalada would you have cried hate crime?  If you were a slightly build wisp of a man with coke bottle shoulders and Bill called you wimpy would you have bleated?  I would like to say here and now MAN UP MR CARTER or HARDEN UP MR CARTER but I fear he might take it the wrong way so I will say STICKS AND STONES MR CARTER, STICKS AND STONES!!
Are you a proud homosexual man?  Good on ya.  If that is who you are be proud of it, but please stop being offended when someone points it out.  Sure Bill could have used a different word.....I don't know what that word is and I am damn sure Bill wouldn't either but that is beside the point.  If you are gay please don't be offended when someone like Bill acknowledges your gaiety.  Where Bill lives there arent many gay men and Bill is sometimes all at sea as to how to deal with the situation.
But I have been thinking about this and there is another possibility which none in the paid media has picked up on and it is all in the way and context something is said--could Bill have been fishing for a new friend??  Could he have said "I didn't know you were a poofter" as a kind of invitation to a meeting later at a table reserved for only two.  He may have thought the line "Wow Ray, I didn't know you liked HO gauge steam trains too.  You should come over and see if your Lima 422 Class would fit in my tunnel" sounded a bit airy fairy and just came out with poofter line.  Makes sense.  The facts are there; a bit of wrestling and light slap and tickle before hand, the line in question was whispered and it was said when they were all alone.  There was nothing offensive there providing what Bill was offering was done in the privacy of his hotel room or abode. 
Can we move on now?

Heffernan: Never could get a handle on pole dancing, no matter how hard he tried.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

130 Days To Go!!

No not the Olympics stupid, Oktoberfest! 

I love Oktoberfest, it's the bestest fest in the world!

A Code Of What?

Julia enjoyed her beachside holidays.  It meant she could lay off the shaving for a while and just be herself.

So the one who "leads" the country, the one I like to call Red, has come up with another amazing idea.  Fair dinkum, the amount of amazingness that that woman can come up with is astounding.

Her latest brainwave is to institute a code of conduct for those elected officials in parliment so they know that sexual harrassment is wrong, that spending money that isnt yours is wrong, and that breaking the law is...hang on, let me check....yup, thats wrong too.


If these wombats who have been elected by us need to be told that these things, and I am sure a myriad of other things, are wrong then we are in serious trouble.  You should just KNOW that you cannot break the law.  When you have to tell members of parliment what is right and wrong, well it says more about the calibre of person there than I care to think about.

Bring on the revolution. 

Monday, 7 May 2012


Kids: Creepy

As I lay in bed this morning I was awoken at 4.30am by the sound of laughing, a child's laughing.  At first I thought I was dreaming and rolled over to continue my sleep, but sure enough, there it was again, louder and more insistent.

Now not much scares me, Bindi Irwin, an empty fridge, a Cronulla grand final win are a few things, and now the sound of a child laughing at 4.30am can be added to the list.

Sure, Miss Three Year Old's room is next to ours, so I got up to see what all the hillarity was about.  Went into her room and she is sitting on the bed, holding her bubba.
"What's so funny?" says me
"Nothing" says her
"Who is making you laugh?" asks me
"No-one" says her staring over my shoulder.
"Well cut it out"

I decided it was a good idea to get ready for work (with all the lights on) and have an early start to the week.

When she starts talking to the TV ala Poltergeist, I am outta there.

Friday, 4 May 2012

Mr Chainsaw Can Sort This Out

Chainsaws: No longer just for juggling

Ah Campbelltown, how I miss thee. I look back on my time in the Campbelltown area, an area I lived in for ten beautiful years with much fondness, many a good time was had there, and I miss the simpler way people resolved their differences, like getting out the chainsaw and letting rip on the neighbours.

Surely you heard the story, neighbourhood stoush in Minto, words are exchanged, threats are made, fight ensues, protagonist grabs the chainsaw, end result—one bloke, the attackee, nearly loses an arm, the other, the attacker, one loses a finger.

But this morning I heard a statement on the news from a family member of the bloke with the chainsaw:

''Troy's finger is not getting sewn back on, he's lost his finger, so sucked in to the bloke whose arm got chopped,'' said Ms Thornton, who claimed she was also cut by the chainsaw during the altercation.

Wow.  She sounds like not only a great neighbour, but also a real catch in the love stakes. It is a damn shame death-match dating has finished.  I would be after her like a shot, she sounds like my kind of gal.

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

The King Visits!

Canberrans were agog and delighted with the recent visit of reigning despot and future King of Australia Crack to the small country town.
"I heard there had been an earthquake, I am here to see how I can help."
King Crack paid a visit to local dignitary and punting pro Maca who expressed thanks at the visit.
"Its good to see the King leave his estate up north and pay us a visit.  It really shows he does care, despite his harsh criticism of our little village."
The visit coincided with an eighteen birthday party for local rocker Cal, and the younguns at the party were seen to be sitting around The King listening intently as advice was dispensed on proper haircuts, what is wrong with the younguns, good music and a few bawdy jokes (How do you get to Brown Mountain?  I think you have to go by Pinkville!!! BBBAAAHHHAAAHHHAAA!!!!!!!!)
As the damage from the earthquake was minimal there was little else to do but burn wood, tell tales and drink as much beer as possible--all tasks were completed with ease, and left Canberra a better town for the visit.