Thursday, 30 April 2009

Run To The Hills!! It's a Sure Sign of Global Warm......Oh, Winter Must Be Coming

Al Gore has disconnected his phone and Penny Wong is denying everything she has EVER SAID as Melbourne set new records for cold weather this week. Melbourne had its coldest April morning -- 2.9C -- in over 50 years, while a number of suburbs had temperatures of between 0C and 2C. Mt Hotham had the morning’s lowest temperature of 4.4C – a day after the mountain recorded the lowest ever April minimum temperature of -8.2C. Melbourne set another record yesterday when it recorded four days in a row below 15C for the first time since 1949, signalling calls of a new ice age being upon us, rather than global warming.

"Sometimes when the temperatures go up and start melting everything and dooming us it is also a sign that the world may be heading for an Ice Age where thousands will freeze to death in their beds while they sleep" Penny Wong said at a press conference today.

Al Gore is said to be none too concerned with the coming ice age as he will simply resort to burning some of the millions of dollars he has made through perpetrating the global warming scare.

According to the weather bureau the cold conditions were the result of a low pressure system, and amazingly something called winter. The Rudd Gu'mment is forming a task force to investigate the impending colder weather and it's potential for more ridiculous and unfounded taxation policies based on nothing but a far from thoroughly researched theory.

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Swine Flu

They say AIDS was started when men began having relations with monkeys.
Does this photo show how Swine Flu began?

Is anyone really surprised that we are facing down death via Swine Flu, possibly the greatest threat to our existence after Global Warming. The increasing popularity of vegamaterianism, which has been allowed to prosper right under the Gu'mments nose and championed by organisations like PETA have doomed us all. All these vegans and vegematerians who think by not eating meat they will save the world have placed us in peril, never before seen. As my learned colleague Maca pointed out to me this afternoon bird flu, spread by chooks, mad cow disease spread by cattle and now swine flu spread by pigs. We need to up our quotient of dead animal flesh eaten so we don't face sheep flu, roo flu and deer flu in the near future. By not eating animals we are letting them get a foothold. Before long these animals will be our overlords in a world that would make Planet Of The Apes look like a holiday camp. We have already seen here in Sydney this past summer sharks attempting to commence their takeover of the world with a few violent assaults of people swimming in the water!! How long is the Gu'mment going to allow this? We need kiddies in school to learn this food pyramid;See whats on the bottom? MEAT and lots of it. Hook in kids because if you don't Mr Cow will soon be knocking on your door, and taking all the toys from your room. Don't give him that chance!!!!

On the plus side of all of this hopefully pork prices will plummet and guess who will be there stocking up on yummy bacon and legs of pork while all the scaredy cats run for cover? ME!! I heard on talk back radio today people saying they would not be eating pork until 'the crisis was over'. Great, hopefully this signals the start of more plentiful and cheap supplies of pig meat for the rest of us.

Pigs will never take over. I am top of the food chain and keeping those numbers down by doing my bit. I am only one man but I am one man making a difference.

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

They Grow Up So Quick

Four months old and already a full head of hair....

But it does make me a bit worried. Makes me think that Guy Sebastian wasn't around at our humble abode a year ago to clean the pool at all. I must admit I was suspicious at the time as we don't even have a pool but being the trusting soul I am I let him in anyway.

I will be ready for him next time he comes to clean the pool....I'm onto you Sebastian you god bothering fuzzy headed freak!!!!

Monday, 27 April 2009

We Are Making A Difference!

Indian readers of the Sanctum celebrating another victory for your favorite despot in waiting, Cracka.

It has been said that blogging and the whole blogging experience is a waste of effort and energy that it may as well be done by monkeys, trained to mash the keyboard with their fists and post for a banana reward. Some have said that 95% of all blogs are done by monkeys. I don't know the facts and figures but I KNOW I'm not a monkey and that here at the Sanctum, we are making a difference.

You my recall my post from a while ago about the University of Sydney offering "barister" coffee at one of the eating establishments there. Go back through the archives and check, I'll wait here for you....

OK, now when I was out there last week I noticed they have a new sign! And the spelling is fixed!!

Sometimes my very good friends, sometimes life gets me down and I think I can't keep up the fight and struggle any longer, it is all too hard and there is too much for this one little black duck to do. It can get me down as I'm only one man and there is so much wrong in the world that needs fixing, and then you get a result, a great result, and spelling is amended and it was all because of ME!! Makes a bloke feel pretty damn good.

No need to thank me, Just doing my job.

Thursday, 9 April 2009

Things Crack Would Like To See: Number 2

People who would prefer to drive below the speed limit move to the left hand lane, or alternatively, not drive at all. Buses are slow, get on one of them. That's why they are on the road, so slow pokes don't clog up the public thoroughfares with their annoying driving habits.
Anyone who is caught driving 10 kilometers per hour below the posted speed limit should have their car confiscated and sold for scrap. The money will be used to fund the public transport system so dopes who drive slowly or have trouble with the concept of driving keep out of my way.
Oh and if you cannot park the car you own you will not be allowed to drive the car you own and your motor will be scrapped. On the bus with you too!!!!

Monday, 6 April 2009

Things Crack Would Like To See: Number 1

A blood delivery vehicle with a sticker on it stating "Not so urgent blood delivery. Please don't alter the velocity of your travel around me"