Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Pack Your Bags Parky, Do Us A Favour and P.O.Q.

Hands up if you are an opinionated old Pom with many opinions no-one cares about.
"Sir Michael Parkinson will be the first non-Australian to discuss "who we are" from a foreigner's point of view since the traditional speech began 14 years ago.
But the famous Yorkshire interviewer is a "natural choice" for the speech, chairman of the NSW Australia Day Council Angelos Frangopoulos said yesterday.
"The Australia Day Address is a celebration of thought, diversity of opinion and freedom of speech, and raises questions about our future while reflecting on our significant past," he said.
"As an honorary Australian, Sir Michael is perfectly placed to share his thoughts on who we are as a nation."
The journalist has interviewed many famous Australians including the late Kerry Packer in 1979, when he accused him of ruining the game with World Series Cricket."

That was from The Rag yesterday. This is from me today.

Angelos Frangopoulos should consider his position on the board in peril if he thinks that canvassing opinions about ourselves from a foreigner on our national day a good idea.

And why do we insist on still chasing validation from overseas? Parky was a person who could sit, smile politely and ask questions. He didn't change the world, he asked questions of people who were famous, so what gives him the right to make a speech on being Australian? Apparently he is an honorary Australian! I was unaware that interviewing "many famous Australians including the late Kerry Packer" entitled you to an honorary citizenship. Like many of his unwashed compatriots in Australia at the moment burning their lilly white skin watching the ashes they would do well to keep their opinions to themselves and head back home as soon as they can.

I don't care what Parky thinks of us. I don't care what anyone from overseas thinks of us. We should grow up as a nation, and stop looking overseas for someone to give us a pat on the head and tell us we are going well. Stop inviting overseas stars to the Logies, to the ARIAs, to anything. We need to learn that we are big enough and ugly enough to have our own opinions, and those opinions are more valid than any two bit Pom who has an 'honorary Australian' status, and especially on the day we celebrate being Australian.

Friday, 3 December 2010

Those Poor Poor People.

When buffoons meet.......

Armed with all of his vinyl copies of their back catalogue Kevin "Kevvy" Rudd has met with pompous U2 front man Bono to talk about poverty and aid the other day.

The pair dined on a fur seal vinegrette with truffles and a bottle of Dom Perignon White Gold Jeroboam at the Sydney Opera House, along with Make History Poverty co-chairs Andrew Hewett and Tim Costello. The self important rock star, and I am not making this up, "praised the government's development agenda, bipartisan support to reduce poverty globally and spoke about the challenge of global development and Australia's contribution".

Bono then decided he was a government advisor and requested was an expansion of the Australian government's aid program and discussed how Australia intended to meet Millennium Development goals set by the UN to reduce global poverty.

Mr Rudd praised Bono for his activism and the pair also spoke about developments in HIV globally, the spokesman said. Mr Rudd told Sky News that Australia was committed to assisting the world's less fortunate. I wasn't there, for shame, but I bet they also said that they would like the deaf to hear, the lame to walk, and that they hoped everyone would just get along and be friends.

I say if you want to be a rock star good luck, but don't come here and tell me how to run the country or how the government should spend tax dollars. Tax dollars Bono himself doesn't pay through crafty book keeping and by funnelling revenue from his poxy U2 through companies that are mostly registered in Ireland and structured to minimise taxes.

It is easy to stand back and say that we should help the poor, and give away more money when the money isn't coming from your pocket, and you live in such rarefied air that you consider wearing sunglasses all day and night normal behaviour. When you give away all your money, and move to these nations you are so desperate to helpand actually chip in and help with actions not words then come and give me a call. You are a singer, get over yourself. It is hypocritical and insulting to call on us to help more when you could be doing more yourself, and if you really want to help, go after your beloved catholic church and their policies on contraception and condoms whose bloody mindedness continues the spread of AIDS and poverty throughout Africa, and stop sending money with no ongoing action plan behind it, creating a continent addicted to charity.

I always knew Kevvy was a wally, but it appears that Paul "Bono" Hewson is the Supreme Commander.

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Tattoos: How Not To Do It

From the news......and no I am not making this up.

"AN Ipswich man whose back was maliciously tattooed to bear the image of a 40cm penis following a quarrel with a friend is now facing nine months of treatment to have it removed.
The bizarre case has sent shudders through the professional tattoo industry, which has been demanding restrictions on the sale of at-home tattoo kits.
Chester Ives, 25, was shocked to discover the penis tattoo accompanied by an obscene and misspelt slogan, after he agreed to let an unqualified friend give him a yin and yang symbol.
The pair had argued beforehand, and the friend suggested the tattoo as a peace offering.
When Mr Ives complained to police, detectives charged Matthew Brady, 21, with assault occasioning causing bodily harm and a breach of the Public Safety Act."

So let me get the facts straight here;

* The tattooist was no tattooist at all, and merely had a tattooing gun handy

* The tattooee and the tattooist have a fight

* The tattooist says, hey listen, lets make up, let me tattoo you

* The tattooee says, yup, sounds fair, and well, we know what happens next.

A few tips here--don't have a fight with your tattooist, it's just asking for trouble. Its like telling the doc before you have surgery that you have had relations with his wife, ill advised. Also if you ask for a yin-yang symbol, not only are you queerer than a garden full of fairies, but you deserve whatever follows. I am surprised he didn't ask for a unicorn or a dolphin to go with it. And if it was a yin-yang you wanted, from my recollection they are a round symbol....NOT A LONG CYLINDRICAL SHAPE WITH A BULBOUS HEAD!!!

I hope that the judge rules shenanigans and throws the case out. It is obvious that the gene pool in Ipswich so shallow it would have trouble being classed as damp, and these two knuckleheads deserve each other.

Stupid, and with the tattoo to prove it.

28/2/2011 UPDATE!!

Whilst having a beer over the weekend and discussing the latest piccadillio that Toddles has found himself in with my man in the field Mike Oxwollen he handed me a photo of the offending tattoo over the weekend.

I like the tatt. But I really like how the good people at Channel Nine pixilated the top or 'head' of the tattoo. It must have been a tad too grapic for the six pm news.

Apparently under the tattoo was written words to the effect that the tattoo owner is a big fan of male appendages.

I would have thought that the tattoo spelt that out more than clearly enough.

Friday, 12 November 2010

Jann Wenner, Not only are we no longer mates, You are now on my list!

The only sort of short stack allowed in the Kingdom of Crack comes with maple syrup.

Oh man am I worked up now.

I was on my way back to the office and thought I would pop into the bakery near work, pick up a drink and a treat, before heading into the Vandalay Industries complex. A man has to keep his strength up. While there I thought I'll just pop into the newsagent too, might pick a magazine to read over the weekend. And that's when it happened. That's when I saw it.

Back in the day I thought Rolling Stone magazine did some good work, a few serious interviews, a topical article, a light hearted roundup of all in the music world, twas a read I enjoyed. But as the years went on it was becoming more apparent that things were changing and I wasn't quite up the new music as I once was. Lord knows I have tried to keep up but it was rare that a new band elicited the excitement that music did in me earlier. But I am over that now. And now I can proudly say, in a strong clear and very loud voice:


Short Stack, a 'band' from parts unknown are on the cover of this months Rolling Stone. I'll say it again in case you missed it.

Short Stack.

On the cover of Rolling Stone.

This is a band that makes music, that I cannot begin to describe. Will they have a lasting impact on music? Will they be listened to in 15 years time? Is the musicianship at a level worth admiring? Have they done anything to warrant such attention? No, no, god no and apart from getting 12year old girls interested in them through social networking and YouTube, no. I wish I could grab each one of their young fans and shake them, screaming at them "You don't have to do this! There are many good bands that warrant your immediate attention and will improve your life!!!" but I wont. They need to learn their mistakes themselves.

When I was 12 I was into playing armies and kicking the ball with my imaginary friend Piggy. Like many of my interests when I was 12, I grew out of it, and I hope for the good of the world, the Short Stack fan base do to.

P.S: And Rolling Stone, oi! Consider your self barred. It is disgraceful that a once good magazine should befoul itself as you did this month. I am disappointed, I am disgusted and you have left me feeling dirty and unclean with the thought that I ever read you in the first place.

For shame.

And in case you thought I was lying here is the offending cover.

Thursday, 11 November 2010

The List.

Yes, its been a while.

"But Maca oh wise one, where have you been? We have had no guidance, nor anyone to help steer us through the channels of life, and such and such, and so on and so forth" I hear you say.

Well I say mind your own bloody business. I have been busy.

Anywho, I have this list see and all of the people who piss me off go on it. Its quite a long list. I havent actually taken the time to write this list down, so maybe thats not really a list but for the purpose of this blog we will call it a list.

So the people on this list get on the said list after annoying me to the point where I think about writing them a letter/email. I never actually write the letter, but I walk away from this person/people thinking that when I get home they will be getting a stern letter from me. As it turns out I am far to busy and important to be jotting out angry letters every day so the list continues to grow like it did yesterday when the man at the pet store annoyed me. Thats a boring story so I wont go into it but needless to say 'Pet Store Man' (didnt get his name) from 'The Pet Store' (cant remember the name of the shop) is the latest to be added to the list.

So, with the background of my list done I will tell you about why Jaycar Electronics are now on my list.

Recently whilst doing up my mancave I realised that I needed some wiring work to be done between my boombox and some speakers so off I trotted to my local Jaycar. I knew what I wanted;

1. Speaker cable
2. A box that could split the sound between two sets of speakers (inside the mancave amd outside the mancave
3. Someway of attatching the current wires (if this was possible) to the new wires which was neat and tidy.

Speaker cable appeared to be no problem to the internet arsed salesman. However the 'box' I needed confused him, no sorry, amused him. Apparently its called a 'Splitter Box' and my description of a box which splits the sound between two sets of speakers wasnt adequate enough for him to grasp exactly what I needed. So after laughing it up with his mate who may have actually been his mate (in the Joel Monaghan sense) he finally showed me what I needed.

Now I needed a neat way of attatching the wires. He told me to use my soldering iron. I told him I dont have one. His Coke bottle glasses wearing mate snorted and a booger flew out. This was amazing on its own because I saw this lady killer, moments earlier, digging for gold so hard that you would think nothing could have been in his nasal passage. So I repeated I still needed a way to attatch these wires neatly, he repeated that I really needed a soldering iron. I wanted to say that you guys really needed a shower, but I didnt .I paid for my goods and left working out what I would say in my letter to the head of Jaycar Electronics.

So they are on my list.

And then I found five dollars.

Friday, 5 November 2010

From The Local Paper....

I know that not all of our readers get all the local papers so in case you missed it, this appeared in one of the local rags with regard to my recent house move.

September 16th 2010

The nation is still yet to know the results and the political landscape is still uncertain following the recent federal election. And additional uncertainty continues in Macquarie Fields as all round good guy and decade long mayor of the peaceful borough prepares to move to a new location. A month of mourning has been declared and local residents are said to be wandering the streets lost. A constant stream of cars have been driving past the mayoral abode at number 22 to see the sight they thought they would never see, a sold sign declaring an end to a tumultuous but productive time for the area.

"It's time for me to move on. There is an Aldi here now, the shops are getting a new lick of paint, the troubles of 2005 are a distant memory" an emotional Mayor Crack stated at a press conference last week, "It's the right time for the area, me and the nation."

"Sure I have had my critics, notably the nattering masses from the east who seem to have an opinion on all I do," Crack stated, a veiled reference to the residents of Revesby who have waged an ongoing war of words with the Mayor since his takeover in 2000, "but I think my record will stand strong, and Mac Fields will always be in my heart."

When questioned about the rumours he has sold out, hoisted the white flag and joined his detractors in Revesby, Crack vehemently denied he was a turncoat and again launched a broadside at those in the eastern suburbs enclave.

"I am moving east yes, but I will not be building a moat in front of my house. I will not be like Mr 'I Love Babysitting' and treat my lawn with contempt and turn it yellow. I will not claim to live in 'The Shire', an area 25 kilometres away from Revesby. Nor will be partaking in coffee in one of the many coffee shops in Revesby. It will be king gees, mongrel dogs and beer as usual."

The press conference attendees stood as one and a cheer rose across the area when Crack, now in a lather of perspiration, ruddy faced and extremely animated declared from the pulpit in front of the modest home "To those who say I have turned my back on Campbelltown let me say this, a wise man once said, keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer. Good people of Mac Fields! I haven't quit! The war will go on!!" Crack yelled as he returned to his house for a well earned beverage and to tend child genius Jaeda.

Commentators say the fighting words used by the mayor are an ominous sign that the war of words may continue but on a new battleground.

From the scene...

Mike Oxwollen

Puppy Love

Whilst I was at home last night working on Higgs Bosun, a rock was thrown through the window on my beat labratory, where all my best work is done. Now you may have noticed I have been the only contributor of late, and I am still none the wiser as to where my two compadres are. But I have heard on the quiet they may be deep deep undercover investigating and researching. What exactly they are investigating and researching is a mystery, even to them, but I digress.

When I went to investigate the rock attack I was surprised to see a note attached to it, and recognised instantly the distinctive scrawl that is The Chovman's hallmark. It is a scrawl that is somewhere between writing and punching someone in the face, and it is always a delight to behold.

It was a little cryptic at first but soon I picked up that the thread of his missive was the recent escapades of one Canberra Ragedrs player and his love of the darker side of the man/canine relationship. I hand over now to The Chov, and let you the reader bask in the glory that is one of his better rants.....

Well you know I thought it had to be fake and I was wrong.

I don’t think he should be sacked, although my opinion has nothing to do with the RSPCA and more to do with the Ragedrs, who have been burned before by that pussy Gallop and who should tell him to stick one.Think of it – the Ragedrs did the right thing with Turd Carney and have nothing to show for it today. Nothing.

They got to stand by and watch as the kid they developed, they trained, they coached and they cut when he proved to be a galactic turd got signed up by the rat filth Roosters with Gallop’s blessing. All this after a mickey-mouse one year ‘ban’ during which Turd admitted nothing, accepted no responsibility for anything and fronted court at least once, getting banned from an entire town for being a prck.

But he’s REDEEMED now, better than Geezus hisself could have done. For nothing more than playing footy. It’s not like he attended any alcohol counselling, did any community service, spoke to any school-kids about responsible alcohol consumption. Nope. Just worked in a pub and played footy. We should close our jails, because this is all that is required these days for COMPLETE REDEMPTION.

So Mr Gallop is apparently “watching closely” what the Ragedrs are doing, tapping his foot impatiently like the ugly fat friend of the smoking hot prom queen you’re hitting on.Well I say f*** you Gallop. We’re going to give Joel a stupid little fine and a 2 week suspension from pre-season training – you know, kind of exactly what the Roosters did with Jake Friend, a serial drink-driver who just escaped punishment in court for possessing illicit drugs. Fine, upstanding citizen that he is – you know, why can’t you be more like Jake Friend, Joel? Then EVERYTHING WOULD BE OK.

Stirring stuff indeed.

Oi Gallop!! You are on notice. Be forewarned, The Chov is after you and he is not happy.

Thursday, 4 November 2010

No More Toddles

He has won everything this year, including the annual NRL chook raffle held on the Tuesday after the Grand Final, despite LOSING the grand final, and now he wins the international footyball player of the universe of something. Enough! Gallop, we know you love him but it becoming a bit obvious now. LEAVE THE KID ALONE!!! Stop propping him up and let him fall like we all know will happen. Stop standing in natures way!!!

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

Happy Oktoberfest!!

Too much happiness in one photo.
Hooray for everything.

How's THIS for entertainment!

I am furious. I am beyond reasonable thought, but I won't let that stop me from sharing with you my thoughts on this weekend's footballing contest between the St George Illawarra CHOKERS and the Eastern Suburbs ROOTERS, two teams who had to beat and cheat the mighty Wests Tigers on their way to the grand final (and no it is not a GF, it's a grand final. Stop shortening everything).

I may watch the game, I may not. It will all depend how many beers I have had on the day, but I do wish for one thing, and God, if you have never listened to my pleas before, hear me out on this one, cos I reckon you'll agree that this one is a good 'un.

Picture it, the teams line up, national anthem is sung, ball kicks off and the game gets underway, then, just before half time, just before the Pancho Riccardo Dancers hit the field adorned in spandex for the half time good time my dream is that a meteorite falls from the sky and crushes both teams, and then, and this is the beautiful part of my dream, it bounces and hits Toddles Carney again! Brilliant!!
Both teams eliminated forever, half time good time continues unabated, Tigers avenged, Toddles and Fire-up Gaz gone, all is good with the world. Win-win-win-win-win! I can't wait for Sunday arvo now.

Every man must have a dream, and for the moment, this is mine.

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Stop It NOW!!!

Lunch Shops: I reckon this one could be a little bit too fancy as well...it's got a ceiling fan!

Do you realise the difference between an industrial area lunch shop and an industrial area cafe. Double prices, that's what. Just cos you make something look all high class and snooty whilst serving up the same greasy food, but now incorporate salad as an option, you can double your prices. I don't want salad and a double soy latte. I want food, cheap and fatty and fast.

Some things don't need changing. Lunch shops in industrial areas certainly don't.

Wednesday, 25 August 2010


I don't want to get political on you, but hey, I will anyway.

Remember when this bloke hijacked the election coverage

with his unbridled insanity and self importance? Remember how all the smart media commentators said sagely that it was a lesson to all Australians, how lucky we were to have not voted him into the top office, and how we as a nation had dodged a bullet.

Well let me be the first to say DUCK!!!!!!! STAY DOWN AND DON'T STAND UP TIL I GIVE THE ALL CLEAR!!!!!!! Because there is a new clown in town that will make Latham look quite sane and reasonable in his thinking and level headed in his approach to the public, the media and the world in general...

Katter is a strange and unhinged individual. And he will probably be after me now for saying that. He has a hair trigger and is known to get cranky about things often. I wouldn't want him holding me by the goolies, and that is exactly what he is doing to the nation now.

Three final words--new election now.

Why Bother?

This is the man that does most of Sydney's building inspections. That's right, Dopey has moved on from mining industry and is alive and well and working in the building pre purchase inspection game.

Regular viewers will know that I am soon to relocate to new digs, and as such have been going through the rigmarole of purchasing a house. This includes having the place inspected to ensure all load bearing curtains are in good nick and that I have not bought a house that I would be sharing with a colony of termites.

We employed the services of a pest and building inspector and received their reports a few days later in which he said there was no underfloor access and could not guarantee if the house was built on blocks of brick, cheese or otherwise and could not say if the house was being held up by a nation of termites or other such beasties.

This concerned me, so being the man of action that I am I contacted my own building inspector and arranged to meet him on site.

After being let in the door it took me one minute to find an access way to inspect below the house. One minute. Turns out it is all good below the floor, and with the house in general, although with a house with as much character as ours has, it will require some remediation works. But we knew that already.

But I digress---back to my original point--why is Dopey working in the building inspection industry? Why didn't he stay in mining? We poor purchasers place our trust and listen to the building inspectors opinion and in turn put money in their pockets, why can't they at least make an effort?

To the building pre-purchase inspector who inspected my abode, please get in the cannon, you deserve no less.

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

$6,500 for WHAT!!!!!!??????????

From today's Rag

Tony Abbott will today offer a $6500 bonus for long-term young unemployed who can find and hold down a job for two years.

Spare me...oh spare me days!

I am going to ask you something very serious here and I want your honest opinion, no matter how much you think it will hurt me.

Am I an idiot? Am I slow on the uptake? Am I missing something that everyone else understands?

So the plan is you are rewarded for getting a job, Ok I have been working for most of my life, with part time jobs during school and constant employment since leaving school. Where is my $6500? I don't get it? Why don't I get $6500?? I have worked long and hard and realised that the rewards for working include being able to afford nice things, ownership of property, freedom knowing no-one owns you. We should reward those long term unemployed with a job and punish the bludgers. I don't want to get all right wing shock jock here but yet again, society travels even further off the path by rewarding incompetence.

I am so disillusioned.

Friday, 13 August 2010

Friday Spray

When I was an apprentice, times were tough. So tough in fact that I was paid in apple cores and used band aids, but I stuck it out as I knew that it was a building block, a stepping stone if you will for bigger and better things. Now I hear that apprentices are going to be given tax free cash as an incentive to stick out those rough years and see the trade course through. SPARE ME!!! Some apprentices are as useful as a pocket on a pair of undies, and that is why they are paid so poorly. They are good for fetching tools and taking lunch orders. And believe me, some have trouble working a broom

This is just another example of why we are in the position we are in, people expect everything to be easy, to be handed to them and to be subsidised by someone else. Get out there, do your time as an apprentice and work your way up to become a tradesman so that you can look at the apprentices and laugh at their lack of skills and poor pay. It's one of the few reasons I continue to front up on Monday mornings these days.

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

I Wasn't Wrong! I Was Miquoted!!

Last year, around September, a young lady set out to circumnavigate the world. At the time of her departure I, along with many others, questioned whether that was the smartest think to do. Soon enough there was a collision, with a MASSIVE boat, shortly after she set off. The cries of "YOU AREN'T READY TO DO THIS!" echoed long and loud across this wide brown crazy land.

I am now being reminded by persons who shall remain nameless that I was WRONG. That my doomsayer stance on this journey has come to naught, and that I should be happy that she has made it. That my dour attitude to life and the achievements of others needs work, and I am wrong to have chased down this tall poppy.

Well, I have been told, but in the words of Jules Winnfield, allow me to retort--

I never wished ill on Jessica Watson or on her trip around the world. My comments were made out of care and compassion. I hope she makes it and proves all those who said she wouldn't make it wrong. The fact that she was so young and didn't have the best start boded poorly for the trip and I along with many others, hoped she was ready and that we weren't going to be reading about a tragic accident months down the track. That's all, I was looking out for another human being, another Aussie, another person with big hopes and endless dreams, like me. If that makes me wrong, if that makes me bad, then so be it.

Let me also add that there is also another young girl who has recently set off on her own journey, younger than our Jess. Jess could win the award for the worlds shortest held title, if nothing else.

Sorry, I couldn't help myself.....

Wednesday, 21 April 2010


So the airways above Europe are closed due the volcano in Iceland going a bit crazy. Two Questions:

1. If you couldn't fly how did they get all those cool aerial shots that they have been showing on the news nightly and

2. Where is the outcry from the doomsayers regarding global waring? Surely this much gunk into the atmosphere will be a negative on the worlds environment?

Just a thought. OK, two.