Wednesday, 5 October 2016

Tainted With Fear

Recently heavy rains visited my abode and flooded parts of the neighbourhood...

Maca: So no evacuations for you? The news down here pretty much said your suburb was like Atlantis.

Crack:  Well it wasn't quite Atlantis, but it was very wet.  There have been evacuations in the 'hood, some houses about 500m away were evacuated last night as the Golf Club course went underwater.  

I had to make a mercy dash last night to the shops (we ran out of ice cream) and I took Jungle Girl with me.  She wanted to see some of the flooded areas and go through some puddles, so we did that.  I drove through one massive puddle to find the road had given way to a massive hole and nearly speared the truck into a fence.  Scared the hell out of both of us and we agreed to no more driving through floodwaters.

Maca: I imagine you and Jungle Girl driving home in complete silence until you pull into your driveway where you say "how do you feel about not mentioning this to mum?"

Crack:  It was a bit like that.  There was some nervous laughing immediately after it happened and then silence.  When we arrived home her exact words were, "Daddy, thanks for taking me for a drive but I don't think we should drive through the water anymore."  At dinner she was asked how the drive was and Jungle Girl replied "It was good.  Nothing exciting happened."  Which was right, because nearly totalling your car with your first born aboard is more terrifying than exciting.

I didn't have any of the ice cream either.  I think it may be tainted with my fear.

It's OK.  It's only a little bit wet, we'll be out of this in no time, 

Wednesday, 28 September 2016

Feline Fanciers Anonymous

Last year Jarrod Hayne made his NFL debut, and as an avid fan of the sport Chov invited Maca around to watch.  It was an enlightening day for many reasons...

Maca:  Chov and I met yesterday at his house for a day of beers and Chov explaining to me the rules of the NFL.
There was much talk of Paul Kent and other issues in rugby league but the focus was mainly on a pregame between the Falcons and some other side. 
At about 12.20 we sat and watched Haynes scintillating debut and the main thing I gained out of the game was CHOV HAS A CAT.

Crack: Well well WELL!!  This is very interesting. 

I can picture the scene now; Chov and Maca sitting on the lounge before an enormous TV, Chov in full NFL gear (including pads and helmet), Maca with a 1988 Ragedrs jersey and undies.  Beer bottles that are jam packed with various varieties of fruit litter the lounge room, beside stacks of The Daily Telegraph with parts of the sports section carefully highlighted and annotated.  Eels posters cover the walls, each one defaced in red paint with "YOU BROKE MY HEART" scrawled over them.  Chov sits on the edge of his seat, breathlessly explaining the intricacies, rules and local customs of the game of gridiron, and all Maca can do is sit stunned, mouth agape staring at the cat that lives at Chov's.

Truly a red letter day for the trio and one I am sure would have made the papers had it not been overshadowed by the machinations going on down the road in Parliament House.

Maca:  That is such an accurate description it was like you were there.

Chovs cat is almost the same colour as the one he asked me to cat sit for him. It was truly an amazing moment when the cat rubbed against Chovs leg. There was even a tear in his eye. Either he was emotional about his cat-love or he was emotional knowing that this email would be coming today. Either way, Chov has a cat.

Crack: The rumours that I have Chov under surveillance are untrue and unfounded.

 The tear was definitely because his secret was out.  It was an outing he knew would be coming but wished he could stop.  In hindsight I feel a bit silly, we should have known all along.  The vehement denials of being a feline fancier, the cat hair on the pants, the cans of cat food that he insisted were there when he bought the house and were used to throw at the tv when he had run out of socks--it's all there.

 It's OK Chov.  We are your mates and will still be your mates even though you are a feline fancier (not that there is anything wrong with that).

A few hours later...

Crack:  The silence is deafening.  It's OK to like cats Chov, really, it's OK.

Maca:  The cats probably curled up on his keyboard and he doesn't want to move it.

Chov still has not spoken of the cat twelve months on.

 Wow!  I can't believe Crack is talking about me.  I'm famous!!

Thursday, 22 September 2016

My Daughter and Her Area 51 Connection

Every week we get an email from my daughter’s preschool telling us what an amazing time they all have there.  Last week they told us that they discussed UFO’s with the kids and talked about where they come from, which makes me think I have sent my child to a preschool run by The Illuminati.

Today I get the email and this is what they did today

“Today the Caterpillar class went outside, we seized the day with lots of fun activities to do outside and in the sun.
After a lot of fun in the sun we came inside and Miss Ally read our favourite SPACE book.
Miss Ally read that rockets go to space, aliens live in space and that we need a rocket to fly to the moon and all the planets.
Miss Ally also named all the planets, unfortunately Pluto is no longer a planet so we did not discuss that one.”

I am turning up there this afternoon and demanding to know what they know about alien life forms and what connection Happy Kingdom Childcare has with Area 51 and the CIA.  I will also be debating the merits of leaving Pluto off the list of planets. 

I am sure they are grooming my child for a flight to Mars.

I am also sure they said “unfortunately Pluto is no longer a planet so we did not discuss that one” just to spite me.  They know how much it riles me up.  They are spoiling for a fight, and by god I will go toe to toe with every single preschool teacher there.  Look for me in the papers tomorrow.

NASA approved spacesuit as retailed by Happy Kingdom Childcare 

Now What?

I'm going to share some of the innermost correspondence between the Golden Trio here, mainly cos I think some of them are damn funny.  Hope you like it.

Friday, 10 April 2015

And Lo, Planets Did Align!

'And as the boy stood on the burning deck, his pockets full of crackers....Hang on, let me wet the whistle....'

Like the Magi, from the bible, three wise men convened last weekend to celebrate Easter with a few beers and plenty of laughs.

It had been a while between meetings but the main points of discussion were:
-the mythical racing beast "Chov's Last Chance" and it's current location
-who really did want to "party in the long grass"
-The sad death of Slayer's Jeff Hanneman in the most metal way possible (drowning from a burst blood clot on the nether regions)
-the current brevity of modern NFL games, specifically the Superbowl
-the lack of commercial TV reception at certain residences

amongst other things not fit for publication due to interests of national security and public humiliation.

All of this was conducted under the worlds largest golf umbrella/cone of silence, that turned into the worlds biggest sieve once the rain started.

The kidlets were tended to by the three-lettered-ones inside and away from the important discussions, as they should have been, appearing at the meeting of minds only to deliver delicious chocolate cake.

It was a great afternoon, not just for the Golden Trio, but humanity in general.