Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Read Him The Riot Act Again!

I’m not sure if I can do anything today as I am still laughing at what I heard on the radio this morning. I laughed for nine hours when I heard it, and every time I think about it I laugh for nine hours more. I had to check The Rag to see if it was true.

In relation to a meeting planned for today between Toddles and Gallop:

"The meeting (today) is a chance to remind Todd that his reputation, whether he likes it or not, is a very poor one," Gallop told The Rag last night. "He can't afford to breach his contract - any clear misconduct will be the end of the road for him in most people's eyes.

"He needs to work out how he plans to handle alcohol and a starting point will be to only make promises of not drinking if he intends to keep his side of the deal.  If he does drink in high-profile places late at night then he is running a big risk that something will go wrong.  If that happens it will quite probably be curtains and a great shame for him, as we all enjoy watching what he does on the field."

That is gold, comedy gold. Give him another chance, read him the riot act again, beat him over the head with that same limp lettuce leaf. It’s hand shandies all round again as Toddles faces the disciplinary might that is the NRL.  Hell Toddles could recite that 'riot act' by heart now, he's heard it often enough.

When will the NRL just get serious and stop treating us like idiots.  Admit you will never do anything to Carney if he mucks up and we can all just move on.  This charade is insulting to everyone who loves the game and a waste of every ones time. 

Get on the cans Toddles, agree to nothing, and have fun at The Sharks.  They have a great leagues club you will enjoy and Northies goes off in the summer.  Get down there and get amongst it!

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Get In The Cannon

I have this much brain cells

This man is an idiot, so we can show you his face in this forum.  Say hello to Liam Warriner, a man who was charged with mooning the Queen. 

He lined up, probably for quite some time, and waited for the queen.  When she did show up, and waved the royal hand at him he thought it would be the height of comedy to drop the strides and expose his rear, apparently with the Australian flag between his cheeks.  Classy.  His workmates dared him to do it.

His defence is gold, if you consider the rantings of the socially mal-adjusted gold....
"Everybody's seen someone's butt, come on. You see it on TV all the time, you see it in movies, it's accepted in PG rated programming these days, but yet it's an offence to the Queen."

Listen to me champ, come in close, cos this might save you some trouble in the future; if you were to expose yourself in my presence you might find a size 10 planted firmly up your freckle, with a large shaven headed man, ie me, attached to the end of that size 10.  And that would be for starters.

I have said before that I may be out of touch with the younguns, I may be getting old (the beard I am trying to grow being all grey might be a good sign) but when did that become funny and cool?

And if you were in any doubt about his credentials as an idiot, well let me have the microphone to this dolt so he can prove to you in his own words what a wally he really is...
Warriner said he is also part of the Occupy anti-elite protest movement and had taken part in the protest in Sydney.
"I'd like to say we are the 99 percent, human need over corporate greed and we won't accept this any longer," he said.

And he said this wearing a Hurley international company........owned by Nike....a massive international corporate entity in anyones language.

Put away the books folks, I think we have a winner for buffoon of the year.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Dont ask...

I dont know if any of you know, but I love gambling.

I will bet on most things. Thats a lie, I will bet on anything. Rugby league, boxing, elections, womens hockey, how many Cruisers Crack drinks before he 'has an accident', hell I will even bet on the AFL.

But most of all I like to bet on the horses. I have accounts with major TAB agencies in three different states and an account with a bookie. I also know a bookie who will take most any bet from me, however he and I dont see eye to eye anymore since the unpleasantness. I read all the racing news, I subscribe to newsletters, I watch races and replays of races, and I read all the form guides I can. I have systems which I follow and I am always altering these systems when they dont work only to watch my previous systems win.

Now, all this does not make me a good punter. I have had some good wins, but I have also lost 2 or 30000 times.

But what this does mean is that people know I like the horses and know a little more about the game than the average person. Which brings out this question "Got any tips Maca?". This question generally comes out around this time of year. Melbourne freakin Cup time.

I was walking into the TAB the other day when I hear a voice call out to me. It was a guy I used to play cricket with a while ago. We chatted for a few minutes (all the while in the back of my mind I was wondering whether I was going to miss the next at Geelong) and then he pipes up with this...

"You going in for a bet?"

I wanted to say

"No mate, this is where I do my groceries. The missus just asked me to pop down and grab a kilo of trifecta tickets."

But I didnt.

I nodded and he asked

"Got any tips?"

I said no. Which is true. I hadnt looked at the form, I planned to do this when I walked in.

He said,

"Fair enough, your tips are always shit anyway."

Now he may have a point. However I never proclaimed to be a tipster, but generally speaking if a mate asks me for a tip I will always be happy to talk about my thoughts and tell them the name of the horse/ horses which will be burdened under the weight of my hard earned. But I dont ask for anything in return, no cash changed hands, no contracts signed. Therefore no right of reply.

So from now on, if you run into me at the TAB and you ask me for a tip I will tell you, no I dont have one and you can shove your tips in a sack as well.

By the way Black Caviar by less than 4 lengths all up the All Blacks to win by less than 16.5

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

What A Grub

When I was younger, so much younger than today, I dreamt of wearing the Australian colours onto the sporting field and taste the glory that sometimes falls over Australian sporting teams.  I would watch Alan Border and co and think one day I will do that.  I would set up games in the back yard and imagine that I was captaining the Australian side.  When I would play for the local under 11's there was a commentary track of Richie Benaud playing in my mind and it was only a complete lack of talent that held me back from realising my dream.

As I grew older and more bitter the dream faded, but I always held those that wore the baggy green in some esteem.

Not.  Any.  More.

It seems that some who have worn the colours don't appreciate that honour, and some again who fail to understand that if you play sport, you may become injured.

From The Rag:
"FORMER Australian cricketer Nathan Bracken has launched legal action against the sport's governing body, claiming a knee injury he sustained during his career has robbed him of hundreds of thousands of dollars in earnings.

The Rag understands Bracken is suing Cricket Australia claiming 'professional negligence', arguing the sport's body failed in their duty of care to protect him from serious long-term damage resulting from injury during his career."

So Bracken is surprised that sports cause injuries, and that is CA's fault?  I think they showed great duty of care for not selecting him.  But hang on, what is this from yesterdays edition of The Rag?

"FORMER Australian fast bowler Nathan Bracken is considering legal action after being named during a match fixing trial."

Seems there is a pattern here.

And is Bracken neglecting his own duty of care to himself by signing up for and partaking in Dancing With The Stars?  Maybe he can sue them too.  And whoever it was that told him hairbands are for men.

The gender reassignment surgery went well, but unfortunately they were never going to be able do much for the patients' Adam's apple.

Saturday, 8 October 2011


That's right, vindication.  It's not just the name of a trotter, it's what I am experiencing right now.

Look back to a few days ago where I said Des "Hairy Head" Hasler was signing for the dirty blue and white cheaters, known by some as the Bulldogs.  People laughed at me, not an uncommon experience I will grant you that but did you see the news today.  Did you see what Todd "Goldberg"Greenberg announced?  That's right, that Des had scrawled an X on the parchment and signed on as coach for 2013.  Sure, I said 2012, and sure even I doubted my mail, but it turns out I was right all along, despite being a year off.

It's not very often I get things right, and some would argue that I didn't even get this 100% right, but for me and my dodgy 'put some duct tape on it and some silicone, it will be right' half arsed way of doing things, this is a victory.
It's nice to be right (OK, nearly right) sometimes.
After ditching the glasses for contacts and discovering the power of the comb, young Des Hasler went onto a successful football career.

Thursday, 6 October 2011

An Apology

I received a very terse phone call this morning from the legal firm that handles all of Maca's legal matters (A.Jones and G.Michael and Partners, they specialise in the defence of public indecency charges) with a firm cease and desist, and a request for an apology.  Apparently my last posting to this great forum was taken with some offence by certain members of the public.  They claimed it could be implied that Messers Mac and Chov are both very happy men, so happy they were gay.

That was never my intention and I apologise for any hurt caused.

I managed to keep the person from Jones and Michael on the line and found out what was keeping Maca so busy these days.  They explained he was now obsessed with something else, something that had Maca in such a tight grasp it was almost cult-like, that sucked away hours of his time and had him on a new life path.  Just before the line cut out she uttered a cryptic one word answer, and it left me puzzled, but I had the monkeys here at Vandalay right onto it and in search of what this one word meant.

And whilst I have never seen the program I am sure that 'Glee' is a fine production and a valid reason as to why Maca is unable to partake in this forum any more. 

Jazz-hands specialist Richard Simmons:  'I'm super! Thanks for asking!!'

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Don't Ask Me, I Don't Know Where They Are Either

I have been asked many many times over the past year what happened to the Golden Trio, once a formidible force of serious intellect and scathing opinion, whether there was a Yoko that split the Trio asunder, were the artistic differences that explosive, what of the rumours of missing millions and a pirate named Sid and who really is Mike Oxwollen.  And I have batted off the queries but it time to say some thing on the matter, and hopefully quell the rumours once and for all.

It began in a blaze of glory many moons ago as a trio, and the idea was that it is supposed to remain a trio, but as we all know, Maca and Chov, or as I refer to them now, the other two, have gone missing.  But from the recent photo of them above would indicate, they are having a good time.

There have been rumours and theories as to why they have been so quiet..... 

I suppose they have been quiet on commentary of the NRL season 2011 as their football teams finished second last and third last this year, something that brought me as a Tiges supporter much joy even though we were unsuccessful in winning the comp again... 
I heard that Chov has been struck down with a particularly virulent form of Beider-fever, leaving him unable to perform any manly tasks..... 
I heard that Maca turned his hand to home renovations and managed to build himself into the rear extension to his palatial abode, and no-one wants to be the one to break him out....
And I also heard that they are trapped in Costco, ensconced in giant forts made of cheap poo tickets, fighting with cheese bombs....

But to level with you dear reader I don't know where they are.  I don't know why they stopped sharing their opinions on modern events, and I don't know if or even when they will be back.  Wherever they are I hope it is a place that the special love and bond they share is a lifestyle choice that is accepted, where they can walk around in their rainbow coloured clothing with pride, where they can be themselves and hold hands without shame.  Most of all I hope they are OK.

Maca and Chov: They always fight when they are on holidays.


How long now?  Seriously, how long until season 2012 of the NRL starts.  The grand final is done for another year and already I miss it.  And please don't tell me there are all the rep games coming up, that is nothing to get excited about.  So we can beat England, wow.  It is like beating your dog at chess, not very difficult at all.

Some of my season highlights:
*When all the colour ran out of Gus Gould's body.  It was like one week he was a ranga, next he was a grey ghost!
*Joey Johns shaking like a leaf at each post match interview.  Was he nervous or has there been some self medicating?
*Melbourne booing Vahzin Gallop.  OK I am not a fan of the Vazhin, in fact I have been quite critical, but all of those TERRORISTS in Melbourne need to build a small easily hidden IED and move on.
*The Melbourne/Manly stink.  It was a good stink, you have to admit that.
*Origin.  So NSW lost, but the crazy that Stuart brought to the coaching roll made it for mine one of the more entertaining series on record.
*Toddles.  In fact Toddles alone is my hands down winner for highlight of season 2011.  A thousand second chances, a thousand promises of never doing it again, and still the kid goes and gets on the cans.  And not just at home, but in some of the busiest areas of Sydney.  Sure he is a fool and a buffoon, but he is our fool and buffoon.

I am looking forward to The Bulldogs kissing and making up with Sonny Bill "I Will Do What's Best For Sonny Bill Williams" Williams.  It's my red hot tip for 2012.  Remember where you read it first.  (Then again the source of that rumour told me that Dazzling Des "How's The Hair?" Hasler had signed with the Bulldogs for 2012, so I wouldn't be putting any money on it just yet.)