Tongue Licks Melbourne

CANBERRA RAGEDRS 26 MELBOURNE INCLEMENT WEATHER 16

A public holiday has been declared in Canberra today to kick off a week of celebrations following the Ragedrs win over the Inclement Weather 26 to 16 at Brooooooooooce Stadium yesterday. The Ragedrs have not beaten the Weather in anything since 2002.

Canberra were always more hungry as they are being paid in pies for a win nowadays than Melbourne in an 80-minute effort the rangey ranger footballing journeyman Jowl Monaghan described as "one of the few wins I've been involved with that I was sober for, it has been a while."

"The personnel has changed, the game is still a game of two halves and 80 minutes long but it's great to get the monkey off our backs against The Weather, which in hindsight was a pretty ridiculous way to play against them. Have you ever tried to run with a bonobo monkey frotting away on your back looking for a opening. It can be distracting" he said.

As for retaining his Origin spot for game three, Monaghan said: "I'm not sure if I'll be there. After today's win I think I will be on the cans for a while. I have heard Toddles Carney, the patron saint of celebrations is in town so the phone may be turned off for a while. I've said the whole time that the only thing I can effectively control is my bladder, I haven't seen any replays of the game yet but I thought I did that today, so fingers crossed I keep that up. You can go broke buying adult nappies."

-Mike Oxwollen

Give us a push, I don't think I can go any further....

It's so unbelievably underwhelming but we have limped over the line with fifty posts.

I wish we could have charged over the line, hands held high like an Olympic sprinter hopped up on the latest performance enhancers. Instead we stumble our way to the line, coughing and spluttering, with all the vim and vigour of a sloth shot by a poacher, hanging on but refusing to fall.

It was a promising start but unfortunately the monkeys that usually bang out blogs like ours went out for a smoke and never returned. And I think we are all poorer for it.

I will blog again soon when I feel a little more human. I started work at 6am Tuesday and finished at 1am Wednesday, returning to work eight hours later for more punishment and am not feeling quite right just yet. Hopefully I can blog about how great the State of Origin game was, how it was a hard fought battle, with at least two big dust ups that don't result in the sin binning of everyone and are seen as part of a full contact sport between fit young angry men.

But I doubt it.

Swine Flu Comedy Gold

Below is a transcript of a conversation shared by the three Sanctum members regarding the swine flu. Sit down, buckle up and ready yourself for COMEDIC GENIUS!!!!

Crack: I thought I had contracted swine flu so I called the hotline, but I couldn't hear anything because there was too much CRACKLING on the line! Boom tish!

I thought I had swine flu but I'm OK now that I used a little OINKment. BAHAHAHAHAA!!

The Centre for Disease Control said the symptoms of swine flu include fever, coughing, aches, and an uncontrollable desire to roll in the mud and a break out of RASHERS.

That's all I've got. Honest.

OK, OK, one more...My doctor just called me and told me to get to the hospital and get checked out for swine flu. He said he knows I have never been to Mexico but he does know that I have been with some real pigs in my time.

Maca: You are HOGging all of the good jokes Crack

Chov: No need to go off like a PORK CHOP, though.

Maca: With so many pig jokes can we start to call him Crack-ling?

Chov: Nah, that is SNOUT good enough. Something with more STYle. Something less BOARing

As I said....GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Run To The Hills!! It's a Sure Sign of Global Warm......Oh, Winter Must Be Coming

Al Gore has disconnected his phone and Penny Wong is denying everything she has EVER SAID as Melbourne set new records for cold weather this week. Melbourne had its coldest April morning -- 2.9C -- in over 50 years, while a number of suburbs had temperatures of between 0C and 2C. Mt Hotham had the morning’s lowest temperature of 4.4C – a day after the mountain recorded the lowest ever April minimum temperature of -8.2C. Melbourne set another record yesterday when it recorded four days in a row below 15C for the first time since 1949, signalling calls of a new ice age being upon us, rather than global warming.

"Sometimes when the temperatures go up and start melting everything and dooming us it is also a sign that the world may be heading for an Ice Age where thousands will freeze to death in their beds while they sleep" Penny Wong said at a press conference today.

Al Gore is said to be none too concerned with the coming ice age as he will simply resort to burning some of the millions of dollars he has made through perpetrating the global warming scare.

According to the weather bureau the cold conditions were the result of a low pressure system, and amazingly something called winter. The Rudd Gu'mment is forming a task force to investigate the impending colder weather and it's potential for more ridiculous and unfounded taxation policies based on nothing but a far from thoroughly researched theory.

Swine Flu

They say AIDS was started when men began having relations with monkeys.
Does this photo show how Swine Flu began?

Is anyone really surprised that we are facing down death via Swine Flu, possibly the greatest threat to our existence after Global Warming. The increasing popularity of vegamaterianism, which has been allowed to prosper right under the Gu'mments nose and championed by organisations like PETA have doomed us all. All these vegans and vegematerians who think by not eating meat they will save the world have placed us in peril, never before seen. As my learned colleague Maca pointed out to me this afternoon bird flu, spread by chooks, mad cow disease spread by cattle and now swine flu spread by pigs. We need to up our quotient of dead animal flesh eaten so we don't face sheep flu, roo flu and deer flu in the near future. By not eating animals we are letting them get a foothold. Before long these animals will be our overlords in a world that would make Planet Of The Apes look like a holiday camp. We have already seen here in Sydney this past summer sharks attempting to commence their takeover of the world with a few violent assaults of people swimming in the water!! How long is the Gu'mment going to allow this? We need kiddies in school to learn this food pyramid;See whats on the bottom? MEAT and lots of it. Hook in kids because if you don't Mr Cow will soon be knocking on your door, and taking all the toys from your room. Don't give him that chance!!!!

On the plus side of all of this hopefully pork prices will plummet and guess who will be there stocking up on yummy bacon and legs of pork while all the scaredy cats run for cover? ME!! I heard on talk back radio today people saying they would not be eating pork until 'the crisis was over'. Great, hopefully this signals the start of more plentiful and cheap supplies of pig meat for the rest of us.

Pigs will never take over. I am top of the food chain and keeping those numbers down by doing my bit. I am only one man but I am one man making a difference.