Tainted With Fear

Recently heavy rains visited my abode and flooded parts of the neighbourhood...

Maca: So no evacuations for you? The news down here pretty much said your suburb was like Atlantis.

Crack:  Well it wasn't quite Atlantis, but it was very wet.  There have been evacuations in the 'hood, some houses about 500m away were evacuated last night as the Golf Club course went underwater.  

I had to make a mercy dash last night to the shops (we ran out of ice cream) and I took Jungle Girl with me.  She wanted to see some of the flooded areas and go through some puddles, so we did that.  I drove through one massive puddle to find the road had given way to a massive hole and nearly speared the truck into a fence.  Scared the hell out of both of us and we agreed to no more driving through floodwaters.

Maca: I imagine you and Jungle Girl driving home in complete silence until you pull into your driveway where you say "how do you feel about not mentioning this to mum?"

Crack:  It was a bit like that.  There was some nervous laughing immediately after it happened and then silence.  When we arrived home her exact words were, "Daddy, thanks for taking me for a drive but I don't think we should drive through the water anymore."  At dinner she was asked how the drive was and Jungle Girl replied "It was good.  Nothing exciting happened."  Which was right, because nearly totalling your car with your first born aboard is more terrifying than exciting.

I didn't have any of the ice cream either.  I think it may be tainted with my fear.

It's OK.  It's only a little bit wet, we'll be out of this in no time, 

Feline Fanciers Anonymous

Last year Jarrod Hayne made his NFL debut, and as an avid fan of the sport Chov invited Maca around to watch.  It was an enlightening day for many reasons...

Maca:  Chov and I met yesterday at his house for a day of beers and Chov explaining to me the rules of the NFL.

There was much talk of Paul Kent and other issues in rugby league but the focus was mainly on a pregame between the Falcons and some other side. 

At about 12.20 we sat and watched Haynes scintillating debut and the main thing I gained out of the game was CHOV HAS A CAT.

Crack: Well well WELL!!  This is very interesting. 

I can picture the scene now; Chov and Maca sitting on the lounge before an enormous TV, Chov in full NFL gear (including pads and helmet), Maca with a 1988 Ragedrs jersey and undies.  Beer bottles that are jam packed with various varieties of fruit litter the lounge room, beside stacks of The Daily Telegraph with parts of the sports section carefully highlighted and annotated.  Eels posters cover the walls, each one defaced in red paint with "YOU BROKE MY HEART" scrawled over them.  Chov sits on the edge of his seat, breathlessly explaining the intricacies, rules and local customs of the game of gridiron, and all Maca can do is sit stunned, mouth agape staring at the cat that lives at Chov's.

Truly a red letter day for the trio and one I am sure would have made the papers had it not been overshadowed by the machinations going on down the road in Parliament House.

Maca:  That is such an accurate description it was like you were there.

Chovs cat is almost the same colour as the one he asked me to cat sit for him. It was truly an amazing moment when the cat rubbed against Chovs leg. There was even a tear in his eye. Either he was emotional about his cat-love or he was emotional knowing that this email would be coming today. Either way, Chov has a cat.

Crack: The rumours that I have Chov under surveillance are untrue and unfounded.

 The tear was definitely because his secret was out.  It was an outing he knew would be coming but wished he could stop.  In hindsight I feel a bit silly, we should have known all along.  The vehement denials of being a feline fancier, the cat hair on the pants, the cans of cat food that he insisted were there when he bought the house and were used to throw at the tv when he had run out of socks--it's all there.

 It's OK Chov.  We are your mates and will still be your mates even though you are a feline fancier (not that there is anything wrong with that).

A few hours later...

Crack:  The silence is deafening.  It's OK to like cats Chov, really, it's OK.

Maca:  The cats probably curled up on his keyboard and he doesn't want to move it.

Chov still has not spoken of the cat twelve months on.

 Wow!  I can't believe Crack is talking about me.  I'm famous!!

My Daughter and Her Area 51 Connection

Every week we get an email from my daughter’s preschool telling us what an amazing time they all have there.  Last week they told us that they discussed UFO’s with the kids and talked about where they come from, which makes me think I have sent my child to a preschool run by The Illuminati.

Today I get the email and this is what they did today

“Today the Caterpillar class went outside, we seized the day with lots of fun activities to do outside and in the sun.

After a lot of fun in the sun we came inside and Miss Ally read our favourite SPACE book.

Miss Ally read that rockets go to space, aliens live in space and that we need a rocket to fly to the moon and all the planets.

Miss Ally also named all the planets, unfortunately Pluto is no longer a planet so we did not discuss that one.”

I am turning up there this afternoon and demanding to know what they know about alien life forms and what connection Happy Kingdom Childcare has with Area 51 and the CIA.  I will also be debating the merits of leaving Pluto off the list of planets. 

I am sure they are grooming my child for a flight to Mars.

I am also sure they said “unfortunately Pluto is no longer a planet so we did not discuss that one” just to spite me.  They know how much it riles me up.  They are spoiling for a fight, and by god I will go toe to toe with every single preschool teacher there.  Look for me in the papers tomorrow.

NASA approved spacesuit as retailed by Happy Kingdom Childcare 

Now What?

I'm going to share some of the innermost correspondence between the Golden Trio here, mainly cos I think some of them are damn funny.  Hope you like it.

And Lo, Planets Did Align!

'And as the boy stood on the burning deck, his pockets full of crackers....Hang on, let me wet the whistle....'

 

Like the Magi, from the bible, three wise men convened last weekend to celebrate Easter with a few beers and plenty of laughs.

It had been a while between meetings but the main points of discussion were:
-the mythical racing beast "Chov's Last Chance" and it's current location
-who really did want to "party in the long grass"
-The sad death of Slayer's Jeff Hanneman in the most metal way possible (drowning from a burst blood clot on the nether regions)
-the current brevity of modern NFL games, specifically the Superbowl
-the lack of commercial TV reception at certain residences

amongst other things not fit for publication due to interests of national security and public humiliation.

All of this was conducted under the worlds largest golf umbrella/cone of silence, that turned into the worlds biggest sieve once the rain started.

The kidlets were tended to by the three-lettered-ones inside and away from the important discussions, as they should have been, appearing at the meeting of minds only to deliver delicious chocolate cake.

It was a great afternoon, not just for the Golden Trio, but humanity in general.

You Didn't Win, But Good Effort

There was a game of footy on recently and it was my team The Tiges up against Maca's team from Canberra, The Green Menace aka Ragedrs aka the Canberra Raiders.  While my Tiges have found some form, Canberra has not, and I was asked if I was willing to give his team a few points start to make it interesting.



Well reader, I was GOBSMACKED!!



Why should I give his team, your team, anyones team a start?  This is what is wrong with the world, people getting starts.  If you cannot compete on a level playing field then get out of the way.  I suppose your team will want a little pennant at the end of the contest which says “You didn’t win, but you came second and you tried really hard, and that is what matters”?  Well you can forget that!  The world is a rough and tumble place and if you lose, it is gods way of saying you need to try harder next time.  A start?  A START?  You have given up before the game has even begun.  Lets just keep both teams kicking off with the scoreboard reading zero points a piece and take it from there.  Who ever has the larger number at the final whistle will win, without the leg-up of having a few points start.  Start…next you will be wanting opposition sides to play hopping on one leg or whilst wearing blindfolds.



Tiges went on to win 40-0, and I was there to witness it.  FORTY POINTS to the TIGES, ZERO POINTS to the RAGEDRS...it was a beautiful thing to see, and the issue of points starts was not mentioned again so I suppose it all worked out for the best.



And that's all I have to say about that.

"And when she was finished, she held the scissors up like this, and that is how I ended up with this prosthetic penis"

Origin 2011-Game One

I know it has been over for a few weeks but I have been unable to get my thoughts on paper as I have been laughing too hard at the comments by supposedly sane and level headed persons, many who work for The Rag, about how NSW 'wuz robbed again!', when in fact they just failed to score more points than QLD and according to my limited understanding of the game, that is what makes you lose.

The pre-grame entertainment?  Again diving as low as it could it brought out a young girl who couldn't hear the music and was thusly way off time.  When I saw the little red headed girl come out to sing the national anthem I realised that Melbourne has NO IDEA about the greatest game of all.

The game--I enjoyed it but two main things quickly:

1.The match was worth watching alone for the sight of Thaiday backing away from Pearce as Pearce gave it his all in the stink. Thaiday was not used to having a bloke square up front on, Sam usually sees the backs of the opposition jersey as he runs in three minutes late behind a wall of his own players. He is a cat.

2. Sons of Anarchy started again last night and it is a show I do enjoy, but it clashed with the Origin coverage. What to watch? It was a dilemma but Blues captain Paul Gallen made the decision easier for me when he asked Toddles if he would like to take a shot at goal, from forty meters out. Ha! Toddles should NEVER be asked his opinion on anything; he should be told what to do at all times and never be allowed to make a decision. We have seen what happens when he thinks for himself, Goulburn is still cleaning up.



I told you I have little understanding of the game and this post just proves it.

Come Up And See Me Sometime

I don't think much of the current crop of pollies but one I do like is Bill Heffernan, the Junee wool classer who chanced upon a seat in parliament.

Old Bill is in a spot of bother at the moment and I think that the media has it all wrong.  And as usual, I am here to set the record straight.

This is the story as reported over the weekend:
"The Rag tabloids reported today that Senator Heffernan allegedly hit senior Liberal staffer Ray Carter and abused him for being homosexual at a meeting of the NSW Liberal Party State Executive.
Mr Carter is understood to have made a statutory declaration detailing the incident on May 3 at the Breakers Country Club in Terrigal on the NSW Central Coast and wants serious action taken against Senator Heffernan.
It is alleged that during the meeting Senator Heffernan struck Mr Carter so hard he was knocked off balance. Later, when Mr Carter was alone, Senator Heffernan is alleged to have quietly said to him: "I didn't know you were a poofter."

Where's the problem?  Two blokes have a disagreement, the bigger of the two shoves the smaller one, verbal jousting commences.  It's a normal Thursday night at any pub in Australia.  But the problem is that Mr Carter is claiming he was the victim of a hate crime and abused because of his choice of bed fellow.
 
Mr Carter, poor Mr Carter.  If you had red hair and Bill called you 'ranga would you cry?  If he had called you fatty-boombalada would you have cried hate crime?  If you were a slightly build wisp of a man with coke bottle shoulders and Bill called you wimpy would you have bleated?  I would like to say here and now MAN UP MR CARTER or HARDEN UP MR CARTER but I fear he might take it the wrong way so I will say STICKS AND STONES MR CARTER, STICKS AND STONES!!
 
Are you a proud homosexual man?  Good on ya.  If that is who you are be proud of it, but please stop being offended when someone points it out.  Sure Bill could have used a different word.....I don't know what that word is and I am damn sure Bill wouldn't either but that is beside the point.  If you are gay please don't be offended when someone like Bill acknowledges your gaiety.  Where Bill lives there arent many gay men and Bill is sometimes all at sea as to how to deal with the situation.
 
But I have been thinking about this and there is another possibility which none in the paid media has picked up on and it is all in the way and context something is said--could Bill have been fishing for a new friend??  Could he have said "I didn't know you were a poofter" as a kind of invitation to a meeting later at a table reserved for only two.  He may have thought the line "Wow Ray, I didn't know you liked HO gauge steam trains too.  You should come over and see if your Lima 422 Class would fit in my tunnel" sounded a bit airy fairy and just came out with poofter line.  Makes sense.  The facts are there; a bit of wrestling and light slap and tickle before hand, the line in question was whispered and it was said when they were all alone.  There was nothing offensive there providing what Bill was offering was done in the privacy of his hotel room or abode. 
 
Can we move on now?

Heffernan: Never could get a handle on pole dancing, no matter how hard he tried.

130 Days To Go!!

No not the Olympics stupid, Oktoberfest! 

I love Oktoberfest, it's the bestest fest in the world!

A Code Of What?

Julia enjoyed her beachside holidays.  It meant she could lay off the shaving for a while and just be herself.

So the one who "leads" the country, the one I like to call Red, has come up with another amazing idea.  Fair dinkum, the amount of amazingness that that woman can come up with is astounding.

Her latest brainwave is to institute a code of conduct for those elected officials in parliment so they know that sexual harrassment is wrong, that spending money that isnt yours is wrong, and that breaking the law is...hang on, let me check....yup, thats wrong too.

ARE YOU SERIOUS??????????

If these wombats who have been elected by us need to be told that these things, and I am sure a myriad of other things, are wrong then we are in serious trouble.  You should just KNOW that you cannot break the law.  When you have to tell members of parliment what is right and wrong, well it says more about the calibre of person there than I care to think about.

Bring on the revolution. 

Unsettling

Kids: Creepy

As I lay in bed this morning I was awoken at 4.30am by the sound of laughing, a child's laughing.  At first I thought I was dreaming and rolled over to continue my sleep, but sure enough, there it was again, louder and more insistent.

Now not much scares me, Bindi Irwin, an empty fridge, a Cronulla grand final win are a few things, and now the sound of a child laughing at 4.30am can be added to the list.

Sure, Miss Three Year Old's room is next to ours, so I got up to see what all the hillarity was about.  Went into her room and she is sitting on the bed, holding her bubba.
"What's so funny?" says me
"Nothing" says her
"Who is making you laugh?" asks me
"No-one" says her staring over my shoulder.
"Well cut it out"

I decided it was a good idea to get ready for work (with all the lights on) and have an early start to the week.

When she starts talking to the TV ala Poltergeist, I am outta there.

Mr Chainsaw Can Sort This Out

Chainsaws: No longer just for juggling

Ah Campbelltown, how I miss thee. I look back on my time in the Campbelltown area, an area I lived in for ten beautiful years with much fondness, many a good time was had there, and I miss the simpler way people resolved their differences, like getting out the chainsaw and letting rip on the neighbours.

Surely you heard the story, neighbourhood stoush in Minto, words are exchanged, threats are made, fight ensues, protagonist grabs the chainsaw, end result—one bloke, the attackee, nearly loses an arm, the other, the attacker, one loses a finger.

But this morning I heard a statement on the news from a family member of the bloke with the chainsaw:

''Troy's finger is not getting sewn back on, he's lost his finger, so sucked in to the bloke whose arm got chopped,'' said Ms Thornton, who claimed she was also cut by the chainsaw during the altercation.

Wow.  She sounds like not only a great neighbour, but also a real catch in the love stakes. It is a damn shame death-match dating has finished.  I would be after her like a shot, she sounds like my kind of gal.

http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/sydney-news/bad-blood-between-clans-led-to-minto-chainsaw-mayhem/story-fn7y9brv-1226345205344

The King Visits!

Canberrans were agog and delighted with the recent visit of reigning despot and future King of Australia Crack to the small country town.
"I heard there had been an earthquake, I am here to see how I can help."
King Crack paid a visit to local dignitary and punting pro Maca who expressed thanks at the visit.
"Its good to see the King leave his estate up north and pay us a visit.  It really shows he does care, despite his harsh criticism of our little village."
The visit coincided with an eighteen birthday party for local rocker Cal, and the younguns at the party were seen to be sitting around The King listening intently as advice was dispensed on proper haircuts, what is wrong with the younguns, good music and a few bawdy jokes (How do you get to Brown Mountain?  I think you have to go by Pinkville!!! BBBAAAHHHAAAHHHAAA!!!!!!!!)
As the damage from the earthquake was minimal there was little else to do but burn wood, tell tales and drink as much beer as possible--all tasks were completed with ease, and left Canberra a better town for the visit.

DAMN!!!! I LOST AGAIN???!!!!!???

A recent pic of the horse Crack bet on in the 2011 running of the Melbourne Cup



Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid horses.

I hate The Melbourne Cup.

I hate it so much.

Read Him The Riot Act Again!

I’m not sure if I can do anything today as I am still laughing at what I heard on the radio this morning. I laughed for nine hours when I heard it, and every time I think about it I laugh for nine hours more. I had to check The Rag to see if it was true.

In relation to a meeting planned for today between Toddles and Gallop:

"The meeting (today) is a chance to remind Todd that his reputation, whether he likes it or not, is a very poor one," Gallop told The Rag last night. "He can't afford to breach his contract - any clear misconduct will be the end of the road for him in most people's eyes.

"He needs to work out how he plans to handle alcohol and a starting point will be to only make promises of not drinking if he intends to keep his side of the deal.  If he does drink in high-profile places late at night then he is running a big risk that something will go wrong.  If that happens it will quite probably be curtains and a great shame for him, as we all enjoy watching what he does on the field."

That is gold, comedy gold. Give him another chance, read him the riot act again, beat him over the head with that same limp lettuce leaf. It’s hand shandies all round again as Toddles faces the disciplinary might that is the NRL.  Hell Toddles could recite that 'riot act' by heart now, he's heard it often enough.

When will the NRL just get serious and stop treating us like idiots.  Admit you will never do anything to Carney if he mucks up and we can all just move on.  This charade is insulting to everyone who loves the game and a waste of every ones time. 

Get on the cans Toddles, agree to nothing, and have fun at The Sharks.  They have a great leagues club you will enjoy and Northies goes off in the summer.  Get down there and get amongst it!

Get In The Cannon

I have this much brain cells

This man is an idiot, so we can show you his face in this forum.  Say hello to Liam Warriner, a man who was charged with mooning the Queen. 

He lined up, probably for quite some time, and waited for the queen.  When she did show up, and waved the royal hand at him he thought it would be the height of comedy to drop the strides and expose his rear, apparently with the Australian flag between his cheeks.  Classy.  His workmates dared him to do it.


His defence is gold, if you consider the rantings of the socially mal-adjusted gold....
"Everybody's seen someone's butt, come on. You see it on TV all the time, you see it in movies, it's accepted in PG rated programming these days, but yet it's an offence to the Queen."

Listen to me champ, come in close, cos this might save you some trouble in the future; if you were to expose yourself in my presence you might find a size 10 planted firmly up your freckle, with a large shaven headed man, ie me, attached to the end of that size 10.  And that would be for starters.

I have said before that I may be out of touch with the younguns, I may be getting old (the beard I am trying to grow being all grey might be a good sign) but when did that become funny and cool?

And if you were in any doubt about his credentials as an idiot, well let me have the microphone to this dolt so he can prove to you in his own words what a wally he really is...
Warriner said he is also part of the Occupy anti-elite protest movement and had taken part in the protest in Sydney.
"I'd like to say we are the 99 percent, human need over corporate greed and we won't accept this any longer," he said.

And he said this wearing a Hurley t-shirt.....an international company........owned by Nike....a massive international corporate entity in anyones language.

Put away the books folks, I think we have a winner for buffoon of the year.

Dont ask...

I dont know if any of you know, but I love gambling.

I will bet on most things. Thats a lie, I will bet on anything. Rugby league, boxing, elections, womens hockey, how many Cruisers Crack drinks before he 'has an accident', hell I will even bet on the AFL.

But most of all I like to bet on the horses. I have accounts with major TAB agencies in three different states and an account with a bookie. I also know a bookie who will take most any bet from me, however he and I dont see eye to eye anymore since the unpleasantness. I read all the racing news, I subscribe to newsletters, I watch races and replays of races, and I read all the form guides I can. I have systems which I follow and I am always altering these systems when they dont work only to watch my previous systems win.

Now, all this does not make me a good punter. I have had some good wins, but I have also lost 2 or 30000 times.

But what this does mean is that people know I like the horses and know a little more about the game than the average person. Which brings out this question "Got any tips Maca?". This question generally comes out around this time of year. Melbourne freakin Cup time.

I was walking into the TAB the other day when I hear a voice call out to me. It was a guy I used to play cricket with a while ago. We chatted for a few minutes (all the while in the back of my mind I was wondering whether I was going to miss the next at Geelong) and then he pipes up with this...

"You going in for a bet?"

I wanted to say

"No mate, this is where I do my groceries. The missus just asked me to pop down and grab a kilo of trifecta tickets."

But I didnt.

I nodded and he asked

"Got any tips?"

I said no. Which is true. I hadnt looked at the form, I planned to do this when I walked in.

He said,

"Fair enough, your tips are always shit anyway."

Now he may have a point. However I never proclaimed to be a tipster, but generally speaking if a mate asks me for a tip I will always be happy to talk about my thoughts and tell them the name of the horse/ horses which will be burdened under the weight of my hard earned. But I dont ask for anything in return, no cash changed hands, no contracts signed. Therefore no right of reply.

So from now on, if you run into me at the TAB and you ask me for a tip I will tell you, no I dont have one and you can shove your tips in a sack as well.

By the way Black Caviar by less than 4 lengths all up the All Blacks to win by less than 16.5

What A Grub

When I was younger, so much younger than today, I dreamt of wearing the Australian colours onto the sporting field and taste the glory that sometimes falls over Australian sporting teams.  I would watch Alan Border and co and think one day I will do that.  I would set up games in the back yard and imagine that I was captaining the Australian side.  When I would play for the local under 11's there was a commentary track of Richie Benaud playing in my mind and it was only a complete lack of talent that held me back from realising my dream.

As I grew older and more bitter the dream faded, but I always held those that wore the baggy green in some esteem.

Not.  Any.  More.

It seems that some who have worn the colours don't appreciate that honour, and some again who fail to understand that if you play sport, you may become injured.

From The Rag:
"FORMER Australian cricketer Nathan Bracken has launched legal action against the sport's governing body, claiming a knee injury he sustained during his career has robbed him of hundreds of thousands of dollars in earnings.

The Rag understands Bracken is suing Cricket Australia claiming 'professional negligence', arguing the sport's body failed in their duty of care to protect him from serious long-term damage resulting from injury during his career."

So Bracken is surprised that sports cause injuries, and that is CA's fault?  I think they showed great duty of care for not selecting him.  But hang on, what is this from yesterdays edition of The Rag?

"FORMER Australian fast bowler Nathan Bracken is considering legal action after being named during a match fixing trial."

Seems there is a pattern here.

And is Bracken neglecting his own duty of care to himself by signing up for and partaking in Dancing With The Stars?  Maybe he can sue them too.  And whoever it was that told him hairbands are for men.

The gender reassignment surgery went well, but unfortunately they were never going to be able do much for the patients' Adam's apple.

Vindication

That's right, vindication.  It's not just the name of a trotter, it's what I am experiencing right now.

Look back to a few days ago where I said Des "Hairy Head" Hasler was signing for the dirty blue and white cheaters, known by some as the Bulldogs.  People laughed at me, not an uncommon experience I will grant you that but did you see the news today.  Did you see what Todd "Goldberg"Greenberg announced?  That's right, that Des had scrawled an X on the parchment and signed on as coach for 2013.  Sure, I said 2012, and sure even I doubted my mail, but it turns out I was right all along, despite being a year off.

It's not very often I get things right, and some would argue that I didn't even get this 100% right, but for me and my dodgy 'put some duct tape on it and some silicone, it will be right' half arsed way of doing things, this is a victory.
It's nice to be right (OK, nearly right) sometimes.

After ditching the glasses for contacts and discovering the power of the comb, young Des Hasler went onto a successful football career.

An Apology

I received a very terse phone call this morning from the legal firm that handles all of Maca's legal matters (A.Jones and G.Michael and Partners, they specialise in the defence of public indecency charges) with a firm cease and desist, and a request for an apology.  Apparently my last posting to this great forum was taken with some offence by certain members of the public.  They claimed it could be implied that Messers Mac and Chov are both very happy men, so happy they were gay.

That was never my intention and I apologise for any hurt caused.

I managed to keep the person from Jones and Michael on the line and found out what was keeping Maca so busy these days.  They explained he was now obsessed with something else, something that had Maca in such a tight grasp it was almost cult-like, that sucked away hours of his time and had him on a new life path.  Just before the line cut out she uttered a cryptic one word answer, and it left me puzzled, but I had the monkeys here at Vandalay right onto it and in search of what this one word meant.

And whilst I have never seen the program I am sure that 'Glee' is a fine production and a valid reason as to why Maca is unable to partake in this forum any more. 

Jazz-hands specialist Richard Simmons:  'I'm super! Thanks for asking!!'