"Your honour, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, distinguished guests, bored journos on the Law Courts beat, Bonzo The Clown over there in the corner..."
"I believe that you simply MUST find my client, the honourable Mr Fella, (short for Fellater), completely and utterly INNOCENT of all charges laid against him."
"During the course of this trial, you must agree that we have demonstrated, beyond a reasonable doubt, that my client has had his good reputation BESMIRCHED WITHOUT BASIS."
"For example, he has been HEINOUSLY and SURREPTITIOUSLY portrayed as an "angry man"!"
"Mr Fella, allow me to assure you, is simply a man from simpler times - when MEN were MEN and BITCHES were BITCHES. You cannot hang this man simply for not being a S.N.A.G!! He is a MAN, a MAN of MANLY NEEDS!"
"Indeed, I repeat - MANLY NEEDS!"
"Such as being able to appreciate the unencumbered female form of his true love! He pleaded, he begged, he mowed the lawns for a week, he bought flowers, he washed the dishes, he even STOPPED FARTING IN THE LOUNGEROOM.....and what was his reward for this effort?"
"He was STONEWALLED in his SIMPLE REQUEST for a bit of simple THONG-BASED ACTION! I ask you! Where is the JUSTICE!?"
"Not only that, but she DELIBERATELY sought to AGITATE my client by going OUT OF HER WAY to wear a pair of BEDSHEETS stitched together as hew underwear of choice. Unmentionable indeed. Can you reasonably conclude that Mr Fella deserved such mental and physical ABUSE?"
"My client, I admit, is no angel. It has been accepted that he is, in fact, a junkie. And the monkey on his back is none other than the White Lady herself - sugar. Yes that's right, sugar-crystal meth. That sweet seductress."
"Who among you has been able to resist the sweet sweet temptation of the Mars Bar? That scourge of families and ordinary people everywhere - loving husbands and wives one day, vacant-eyed desperate ADDICTS the next! And this stuff is LEGAL!?"
"My client is ashamed to admit he STOLE FROM CHILDREN, FROM OLD PEOPLE, FROM HIS OWN MOTHER EVEN - just to support his 10-Mars Bar-a-day habit! He tried - oh how he tried! - to beat his addiction! He tried booze, smokes, crack, blow, horse and endless sex with hookers - but none of these vices held the cold, calculating allure of the creamy, caramel filled chocolate bars named after the God of War!"
"Who are you to judge him? Hasn't he suffered enough at the hands of his cruel chocolaty mistress? Unable to escape her deadly charms?"
"Yes, it is true he accidentally BIT his partner."
"But we demonstrated that SHE KNEW of his addiction, and indeed OUGHT TO HAVE KNOWN to REMOVE HER FINGERS whilst FEEDING HIM the FINAL BITE!"
"We showed, through DNA TESTING, that the chocolate on her fingers and clothing MATCHED THAT OF THE MARS BAR FOUND AT THE SCENE."
"She was not at a TUPPERWARE PARTY - as she and her legal counsel have claimed!"
"I put it to you, that she was FEEDING HIS ADDICTION to stop him FROM LEAVING HER - a cold-hearted MANIPULATION of a DEFENCELESS ADDICT!"
"And yes, it may be true that my client also struck his partner in the face with rope."
"But what the prosecution FAILED TO DIVULGE was the fact that my client was also DRESSED ENTIRELY AS INDIANA JONES AT THE TIME."
"Of course, yes, your honour, I can wait for the commotion in the courtroom to die down...."
"Yes indeed. What began as a simply a bit of SEXY DRESS UP TIME, at the REQUEST OF MR FELLA'S PARTNER I MIGHT ADD, quickly and unfortunately went awry as Mr Fella stumbled whilst turning away from the CD player (where he had pressed PLAY to commence the Indiana Jones Theme) and attempted to execute a 'sexy whip crack' whilst wearing his assless leather chaps."
"It could have happened to anybody..."
"So, in conclusion, I ask you to find it in your hearts, members of the jury, dancing monkeys and a homeless man sleeping on the seat up the back - to acquit my client. Find that sympathy in your hearts."
"FREE THIS MAN!"
